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Oh, wow, you need some big big
s !!!!! So much on your plate and such a transition to be going through...not just with the pregnancy but perhaps with your family as well...

First off, you might try and see if there are midwives around who are opperating w/o mandate, so to speak. You can always head to the hospital and take what you get if things get too tense to complete a homebirth, but most likely you'd have a good experience since you've already been proven to birth well that way. Also, it might help to have a heart to heart with your doctor and try to approach her with all the dilemmas in your heart...emphasize that you are seeking prenatal care to screen you for CHANGES in your condition, since you are aware that the medical establishment deems continuous high blood pressure to be a risk to your pregnancy, but that it seems to be a baseline for you and you have had four previous healthy babes despite the fact that your blood pressure didn't go down. Also, it might help to ask for literature from her or even seek some studies on your own that could pertain...I'm certain there is a TON of information out there on hypertension in pregnance, as it is so common, and perhaps there have been studies done on other women like you who BEGIN a pregnancy with hypertension in order to compare them with women who have PIH. There have to be differences...I know that just personally in my family there is a tendancy to have low blood pressure/high cholesterol...and the two sort of counterbalance each other. Nature works in mysterious ways and each body is a wonder of balance...

Another thing you might try is to find a provider farther away but not an OB. At 30 weeks, you have time, especially if your "naturally started" labor was a late one. It's not uncommon for people to travel to a neighboring town to have a child when the options are limited where they are, and perhaps starting fresh with a new caregiver might let them place their trust in your well tested body, rather than in medical norms. Are there any la leche leagues in your area? They might have some recommendations. Also, you might find a doula on your own, and many will do volunteer births (I'm attending a doula training myself this weekend and our instructors only do free births now...) or barter. But a doula cannot change the comfort zone of your care provider, and ultimately in a birth they are the ones you are most likely to have a conflict with.

Okay, and here is perhaps the biggest suggestion that I have, though it's the hardest one to give...perhaps you and DH need to come to a new understanding about how to approach this birth and this child. It sounds like you've been doing a lot of compromising with him, and respecting of his opinions and feelings, but that he might be able to do more support for you in 1)making this whole birth experience something that you can accept (especially if this is your last birth...women's mental health is so closely tied with birth experiences that it is essential for your whole family, including the new child, that you find peace with the experience) 2)being a real provider of care for the new child, so that you are not left alone with that responsibility. Perhaps there are compromises you could make in terms of care, work, leave of absences, etc., and perhaps you can still work or find some sort of out of the house experience to continue.

Being in a new town is so incredibly difficult, especially when you feel attacked on all sides, but there are bound to be some great people there. Though you say you aren't religious, are there any other networks you might be able to establish? Are your other children in schools, activities, etc., that might connect you with other people? Are there any more natural parents there who might be able to give you support? I wish I could give you a big hug myself, and help you through all this, and I am sure there are many, many other people who would love to help if they only new that there was a need. Have you tried the "finding your tribe" section to see if there are any mothering moms in your area?

I am sending you a PM as well...
[edited to add:] ooops! looks like you don't want private messages, understandable...I just wanted to add that my grandmother, who is otherwise somewhat conservative, got pregnant after her 5th child was born and decided that her family was complete without that child. It had to be a very difficult decision, but I know that she has a lot of peace with it. Since you've felt a similar need to keep your family steady, is there any alternative (adoption perhaps?) that your husband might be able to accept? So many people have such a families that aren't completed or barely begun, and many have the means to assist in the birthing care as well. But it would be a tremendous choice and perhaps something your husband would not accept, or that you personally couldn't. Feel free to email me if you need to talk any more, and sorry this message is so long!!

s,
s, and lots of luck and peaceful thoughts to you...
 
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