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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
Hi There.
I hope it's ok for me to express this here, as I don't really have many outlets in rela life that will understand where I'm coming from.
I'm nearly 38 weeks with baby #3
I'm feeling very fearful around birth. I've had two previous deliveries that were magical and empowering. I'm not actually afraid of labour and birth itself, I know I can do that! I'm afraid because I have an increased risk of post partum hemorrhage. My midwife is still comfortable to allow me to have a home birth, and I take some comfort in that. Though today she told me some midwives wouldn't be ok with it. My risk factor is an accessory placental lobe that may, or may not be attached to the main placenta with a vessel. So the risk is if the vessel ruptures. Or if there isn't a vessel or bridging tissues (as they couldn't see them in the last scan), that I could retain some. I'm not sure if the risk for retained placenta is any higher than 'normal' placentas though.
So, my fear is not really the hemorrhage itself, or the hospital transfer and stuff that would ensue...I'm afraid of dying. I don't even want to say that out loud.
I also want my kids present, and they want to be there, for the home birth but I worry that if I do transfer it would be slightly traumatic for them.
I keep telling my midwife that im confident in the skills they have to get me to the hospital if I need to go, etc. but then of course she can't guarantee anything so her responses are really not ever going to be what I need them to be.
I don't know how to go forward. Part of me wants to just go to hospital, but then a way bigger part wants to be where im comfortable and feel safe, which is at home. But I don't want to add any undue risks, you know?
And of course it seems like every second mom I talk to has had a PPH, whereas in my last 2 pregnancies the thoughts never crossed my mind at all!
Any advice, support, birth stories would be so helpful. I have no 'tribe' around me...I basically just came home from the m/w apt and have been crying every since. I feel really lost.
 

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Each time I have a homebirth, or even birth in general, I get more nervous. More anxious. I think it's because as I have more kids, I learn more and more about what can go wrong! It is scary to think about all that.

I'm sure I'm not the most popular opinion, but I feel like if I was actually in your situation, I would strongly consider a hospital birth. As much as I enjoy being at home and dislike hospitals, I don't know that I could fully relax at home with that added risk of the placental lobe. I also feel like a PPH is not something that can be dealt with properly at home...it's not even always found in time in hospitals. How far from a hospital are you? Do you think you'd get there in time? Are there any warning signs that your midwife would know to call 911 or transfer you before the hemorrhage happened?

Sorry if that isn't what you were looking for. Sometimes we just need reassurance that everything will be fine, which it probably will be! But, I do think your fears are not coming out of nowhere.
 

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I suppose you need to weight the risks vs. your piece of mind as well. I am well aware that many of the younger women in our community have gone to the hospital to birth and been induced, had precipitous labor and birth outcomes, and saw a pph develop. This then got out of control and the doctors "saved" the mom and baby. Of course none of this should have happened in the first place, but it goes back to determining what you feel okay with. If you are fearful about anything and it is a major block then this can slow or even stop your labor. If a hospital makes you feel better in that regard then there is nothing wrong with doing it that way.

It's your birth. You do what YOU need and want. And we will be here to support you!
 

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Discussion Starter · #4 ·
I appreciate your opinion!!! I think im coming to terms with the fact that I might feel more comfortable in a hospital...maybe. Good thing is, in Canada, you can use the hospital facilities but only be cared for by your midwives unless there is a transfer of care.
Also, in the event of a PPH, at home, they have medications (ergot?oxytocin?) and IV lines that they set up. you always have 2 midwives, so one would be calling 911, the other would be getting the IV line in, and administering meds.
Im feeling really bummed though. Cried all day...:frown:
 

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Have you considered trying some fear release hypnosis from Hypnobabies or something? I had a very traumatic 1st birth in a hospital and i did Hypnobabies t/o my pregnancy with my second and i found it very helpful. The fear release track was especially useful to deal with specific fears i had.

If you need to go to the hospital to be comfortable, then go. But like a pp hinted at i would be very careful about what interventions you accept there as, in my experience, they often end up creating dangers of their own.
 

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Discussion Starter · #6 ·
I have been using hypnobirth!
This morning I woke up leaning more towards hospital birth. We would just use the facility, and the idea is that I would already be there...incase. I really hate that mentality, but at the same time, I have a higher risk factor, and Im not sure im going to feel comfortable at home. I feel quite lucky in that I have had 2 beautiful birth experiences, one HB transfer with midwives in the hospital, where I didn't see any hospital staff at all, and the other was at home.
If I do go to the hospital I feel comforted that my midwives will be with me, and hospital staff will only be involved if they need to be, as in, if I do hemorrhage. My kids and DH can all be there as well.
I don't know - this isn't easy!
 

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I have been using hypnobirth!
This morning I woke up leaning more towards hospital birth. We would just use the facility, and the idea is that I would already be there...incase. I really hate that mentality, but at the same time, I have a higher risk factor, and Im not sure im going to feel comfortable at home. I feel quite lucky in that I have had 2 beautiful birth experiences, one HB transfer with midwives in the hospital, where I didn't see any hospital staff at all, and the other was at home.
If I do go to the hospital I feel comforted that my midwives will be with me, and hospital staff will only be involved if they need to be, as in, if I do hemorrhage. My kids and DH can all be there as well.
I don't know - this isn't easy!
That sounds like the perfect scenario! You're in the hospital in case the facilities are needed, but you're still surrounded by your own midwives and family. I think many women would LOVE this option and you're lucky to have it.

I think the key to feeling okay with being in the hospital is feeling that you CHOSE it rather than were forced into it. If something does go wrong and there's a transfer, then it's going to feel like you were forced into being there by circumstances outside your control and you'll be second-guessing yourself down the road.

If you choose to be there then you're in control and making what feels like the best decision for your well-being, and that of your kids.

Just a personal preference, but if my older kids were going to be present at the birth then it'd be really important to me that everything seem as calm and in control as possible. I wouldn't want them to see an emergency transfer with adults, understandably, appearing scared.

Finally, it's okay to be crying over this! You're grieving the loss of expectations and facing fears about your health. Let yourself sit with all that and own it; don't try to push it away or discount the validity of your feelings. Sounds like a perfectly normal and healthy reaction anyone would have.

(((hugs))) to you!
 
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Discussion Starter · #8 ·
That sounds like the perfect scenario! You're in the hospital in case the facilities are needed, but you're still surrounded by your own midwives and family. I think many women would LOVE this option and you're lucky to have it.

I think the key to feeling okay with being in the hospital is feeling that you CHOSE it rather than were forced into it. If something does go wrong and there's a transfer, then it's going to feel like you were forced into being there by circumstances outside your control and you'll be second-guessing yourself down the road.

If you choose to be there then you're in control and making what feels like the best decision for your well-being, and that of your kids.

Just a personal preference, but if my older kids were going to be present at the birth then it'd be really important to me that everything seem as calm and in control as possible. I wouldn't want them to see an emergency transfer with adults, understandably, appearing scared.

Finally, it's okay to be crying over this! You're grieving the loss of expectations and facing fears about your health. Let yourself sit with all that and own it; don't try to push it away or discount the validity of your feelings. Sounds like a perfectly normal and healthy reaction anyone would have.

(((hugs))) to you!
@Daisy8s !!!!!! Thank you so much. I got a bit teary reading your response. I think you've hit the nail on the head - that I need to feel like I'm making the choice. I'll continue to mull everything over, but as you said, a big part of it is that my kids will be present. They want to be, I want them to be, and in honestly, we don't have another option.
 

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@JennyT I'm so glad my words were helpful! Sounds like they really resonated with you.

Looks like you're working through everything and taking your time coming to your own decision. That's great. You'll know, down the road, that you put thought into your options and made the best choice you could given the circumstances you're in.

May peace be upon you...
 

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Discussion Starter · #10 ·
thanks so much. I had a great heart to heart with my midwife and sifted through the emotional mess!
Its tough as the decision is totally mine. I do believe that I will *know* whats right in the moment, ie:when I'm in labour.
The thing is, my rational mind knows not to be too attached to any one birth ideal, that all births are so varied and different, and I've learned this from my previous two experiences. I've just always envisioned all my babies born at home, and obviously believe that's the best place for all to be in the absence of any risk factors. Because there's no actual data/literature on my particular risk, I'm finding it really hard.
But I'm starting to focus more on the baby and less on the process which I haven't been able to do at all up until now. I've washed and hung nappies, clothes and set up the moses basket. I've also arranged for my mom to come way sooner to provide support for me and so that I don't have to worry about who will mind the kids when i'm in labour as DH is my main support person. You'd think this was my first time!
 
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