3yo hitting & yelling... ALL THE TIME!!!

Do we share the same little girl? Mine is two and a half. I'm still sorting out how to deal with her intensity, but it seems to me the calmer I stay, the more quickly she defuses. Telling her not to hit usually backfires. If I get confrontational, she does too. Even gentle confrontation.

The problem for me is that I DO get mad, or I get into a mindset of "I must correct her behavior." When that happens, it all goes down hill. Some days I do well, others ...

Example of what works for us:
Dd is frustrated about something, and smacks me.
I deflect the blow, and ask her if she's upset/mad/sad whatever.
If she hits again, I might gently restrain her or step back. (Self protection) I ask again about her feelings.

Some days she can wind down and talk about what is upsetting her. If she can't, and instead gets all worked up, I calmy pick her up and take her to her bedroom, which is the safest place for her to rage. If she doesn't hit me, I stay in the room while she flops and screams. If she continues to attack, I get up without saying anything and walk out.

Notice that I never mention not hitting. She knows I don't want her to hit. What she doesn't know is how to deal with her intense feelings. My goals are: help her discover better ways to deal, protect myself, and maintain our connection.

Its hard not to get mad, though. I hate hate hate being hit, scratched, kicked or hurt. I get frustrated, and slip into the mindset that I have to make her stop doing this. That never works out very well.

Dd needs me, have to run.

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To me the fact that you sense anger as the issue is the key to the situation. She is angry about something, the key is to figure out what it is. The hitting and other behavior are just symptoms and until you get to the underlying cause the problem won't go away. It's normal for 3 year olds to get angry and frustrated but I don't think it's normal for a 3 year old to be angry all the time.

I loved Kohn's book, but what I think we tend to forget is that the basis to his approach is having a solid attachment relationship. When kids sense that something is not right in that relationship they can't determine what is amiss and tell us, even when they have the verbal skills. All they "know" is that they don't feel right and they act out as a way to try and feel better.
You need to help her find the way to feel better by concentrating on the relationship not the behavior.

When she hits I would say, "you must be feeling angry about something. Let's go sit and snuggle up so I can help you feel better. Once you get her calm then you can talk about it. Ask why she felt mad?
Once you get to the root then you can start teaching her appropriate ways to deal with her anger. You can talk about how hitting hurts people and what other things she can do. We have really encouraged our dd to tell us when she is angry then we just stop and work on how to make her feel better. Sometimes, us just acknowledging her anger is enough.

You've already seen that foucsing on the behavior doesn't change anything, you need to work on understanding where the anger is coming from.
Also, 3 is a really tough age. They seem so big, especially when they are talking so well. It's hard to remember that they really don't have control of their emotions and don't even understand them. Hang in there!

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: ITA. Those are excellent suggestions and have worked quite well in my home.
When they are that angry, though, do be ready to hear some mean things. Children are honest and they will tell you the truth as they see it. Of course, they do not always comprehend it, so seeing mom and dad rolling on the floor once might have been seen as something worse, kwim? And, sometimes, it turns out that her friend has been pinching her when no one is looking and she is frightened out of her mind.

Extreme anger usually stems from extreme fear. Something has her scared and yet she may not have the words to say what it is.

Recently, my 3 year old came to me screaming and saying "Anna! Anna!" while slapping herself in the face. It turned out her sister had accidentally slapped her in the face with doll hair. Nothing as extreme as actually slapping her sister, but still, to my sensitive Sami it was seen as the same thing.
Once her and Anna hugged and said they loved each other, Sami was fine.

Sometimes we get too busy and forget that what might seem insignificant to us, as adults, can be a HUGE deal to a child.

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I like this idea, but I'm not sure it's enough. We have a very similar situation in our home. And, most of the time, everyone knows what dd's angry about. Including her. She tells me, "I don't hear Luther!" when he cries and she and I are doing something. She says, "I don't want my brother anymore!" "I'm mad at my brother!" "I don't want him to get in my stuff!" And then she hits him.

So lately we actually are concentrating on the behavior, without negating the feeling. I've been trying to say things like, "No hitting! Brothers can be frustrating, but you can't hit them!" or "The hitting has to stop. This toy can be played with when he's asleep, for now it's going in the closet. Do you think that will help you feel less angry right now?" We get down to her level and say it very firmly and clearly too. But I also try to balance this with encouragement and recognition of when she DOESN'T hit, because her hitting is a genuine loss of control. I think it's actually gotten harder for her recently, she used to have more self-control, but lately...

Anyway, you have my empathy even if I have no solutions. I think it's a stage. My dd is clearly frustrated with herself when she hits him. I know she doesn't want to, and I've seen her feel immediately remorseful, but I guess it'll take a while for her to get all caught up with herself, if that makes any sense at all.

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One thing I can tell you for sure is, I have been there. We also have a very outspoken and intellegent 3yr old girl. She also has problems dealing with her anger and frustration. What I want to point out to you though is that the foundation of Kohn's theories are that punishment of any kind really doesn't work. Esspecially timeouts which are "love withdraw", or consequences like you do x this then y will happen. Ultimatly punishment tactics will not work. What will work, is develping techniques for comunication and establishing a trusting and respectful relationship with your child. It is not easy, but the benifits are worth it.

What I can suggest and what we try to implement in our house, is to be patient. When you dc is having an outburst and is hitting, or kicking, keep a safe distance, and assure your child that you are trying to be there for them. Let them know that you want to help them calm down so that you can work things out. Try to find out what is upseting her, in her words. If she can articulate it then she can better deal with the feelings. Sometimes, they just don't want to talk, and they definatly don't want to hear us talk, so I try to just stay close and let her have her tantrum, without hurting me. When she tries to hit me I try to move away, if she chases me then I restrain her gently. Ussually by this point if I ask for a hug, then dd breaks down and hugs me crying. I find that a lot of times when my daughter lashes out physically, she is really needing some affection, this is not always the case, but more often then not we will end up hugging even if she has been hitting. Then we talk about her actions and how it is not okay to hit. But it is so important for her to know that even when she is angry and lashing out that she can still count on me to be accepting of her when she does calm down. That I weill still love her no matter what. I tell her that, but then I also tell her that I did not like her behavior and don't like to be hit or kicked. It has taken some time but in the last 6 months we have seen a significant decline in the hitting and kicking tantrums that were a nightly event for a while. Now it only happens maybe one a month. So that is a lot of progress IMO.

Keep in mind that while these tantrum occur, I may also be feeling angry and frustrated, I have to try to contain my feelings, becasue they will only increase the tension. My dd will try to match wills with me, while if I can reamain calm then she feels that it is safe to calm down. I don't mean to sound like I've got it masterd, because I don't. I try to implement the principles and tecniqes of GD as much as I can. Sometime I slip, but I know that GD is more effective, when pratcised over time than any form of punishment. We gave up time outs over a year ago, and things have been so much better for everyone around. Tantrums are shorter in length and ussually end in hugs and appologies freely given.

Thank you for all of the responses, I really appreciate you taking the time to share your suggestions!

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I re read my OP and realized that I wasn't clear....to me a time out is time with us together in her room away from the situation that was causing the frustrations. Not a time out alone, but just a break where either her dad or I are present. As one of the pp said, If she is still hitting etc.. I will stay by the open door with her, but not close enough where she can hurt me.

I am sure the benefits are wonderful, and I really do notice a difference when I use a calm, non cofrontattional/authoritarian type response. I ALWAYS validate what she is feeling, and ask how she is feeling as well as tell her that I love her during/after the situation.

I guess what I am noticing is that I really am doing all of the things that pp are suggesting the majority of the time ( I am human after all )

It also sounds as though this may be a phase as well. With that said I think that she is still having a hard time sharing time with her 5mo brother. However, it feels like the more one on one time I give the more she needs, so that can feel a little frustrating for me as well.

In all reality she just wants us to NEVER interrupt what she is doing, and ALWAYS give her what she wants I am sure this is logical enough to her! But I /dh/ds have needs as well....so, I guess all in all it will just be searching for ways to balance all of our needs...ahhhhh parenting what a wonderful experiance!

sorry Dh is gone for 3 days, and I needed to process this, so you all had to suffer I guess

It sounds as if you are practicing GD as much as you can. I know if is tough, and it is easy to slip into old habits or feeling like you have to stop her behavior. But really letting some tantrums just play out provides opportunities to learn for both you and your child. I'm sure that your dd is going through an adjustment time with a new sibling, as are you and your dh. We are also dealing with that with a new baby at home. A lot of Amanda's tantrums started right around her 3rd birthday, back in October, while I was still pregnant. It was as if something had taken possesion of my beautiful daughter. She was talking back in a mean and nasty way, lashing out and hitting and kicking A LOT. We did our best to deal with the tantrums and let them run their course, so she could see first hand that they were not the most effective way to get what she wanted, or deal with her feelings. So we tried to give her more tools for asking for what she wanted, and "working out" a compromise. Now she is a child with a plan. She always seems to come up with some master plan to get what she wants and still work around the restraints of bed time, dinner time, going out, all the things that, as you say interupt what she wants. I have seen these same problem solving skills with children 5 and 6 years old. But Amanda is using them now at 3.5. I think that is as a result of our practising gd.