[feraque1]

Hi. I have a 4.5 y.o. dd and a 10 month old dd who both share our bed. The baby is in my arms all night. My 4.5 y.o. insists I cuddle her the same way to sleep, which I do. However, if she wakes up and either my dh or I are not holding her, she wakes us up and tells us she can't sleep without being cuddled.

Obviously she is not ready for her own bed, but I need her to sleep comfortably and confidently without us holding her all night. I know she is seeking the same kind of physical contact the baby is getting. However, we give her lots of hugs, kisses, and cuddles during the day. How can I get her to be ok with sleeping without needing physical contact all night? I never thought I'd be having these issues at her age! Actually, I thought she'd be in her own bed by now. . .

 

[meemee]

yikes!! i have no clue. my 6 1/2 year old dd and i are the same way. its just the two of us so i really enjoy it

i promise you its not too far away. with older kids it happens suddenly. does she have a bed available for her. in her room or even in your room?

dont know what else to tell you.

 

[Honey693]

Does she have a lovey? I know even at 24 I still like to hold something to fall asleep whether it's DH, DD or my pillow

 

[feraque1]

Thanks for all the advice. She does have some stuffed animals that we try to get her to cuddle with. The real issue is that she wants to have the same physical contact as the baby, and I am seeking a way to explain to her it's not practical at her age without hurting her feelings - even better, to have her thinik that sleeping more independently was her idea.

As for the most recent post, I do appreciate your input, but this board is titled the "family bed". Most posters here practice co-sleeping. I think most would agree I do not need to move my 10-month-old to a crib (we don't even own one). Most viewers on this forum also don't believe in any cry-it-out method, not even for my 4.5 year old. We do have a bedtime routine. We're doing what works for us. I just need my older DD to know that we love her the same as the baby, but the baby has different night-time needs.

 

[LadyCatherine185]

I am sure you already realize this, but your older DD is probably just wanting lots of cuddles just like your baby. What about trying to cuddle with her in her bed and leave when she falls asleep, and having your DH go into her room when she wakes up? Or putting a mattress on the floor in your room and you or DH can cuddle her there till she falls asleep, and your DH can go onto the floor with her when she wakes up and needs cuddles? I know that isn't a permanent solution, but maybe a step towards your DD's independance that will still keep her happy and feeling loved.

ETA: 10 months old is too young to be in their 'own crib' and CIO like the PP suggested. Unless of course her 10 mo WANTED to sleep in their own crib and slept better there, which it seems to me is not the case.

 

[RiverSky]

Quote:

Originally Posted by mybabysmama Actually, the studies disagree. http://www.nd.edu/~jmckenn1/lab/longterm.html "In a survey of adult college age subjects, Lewis and Janda (2) report that males who coslept with their parents between birth and five years of age had significantly higher self-esteem, experienced less guilt and anxiety, and reported greater frequency of sex. Boys who coslept between 6 and 11 years of age also had higher self-esteem. For women, cosleeping during childhood was associated with less discomfort about physical contact and affection as adults. (While these traits may be confounded by parental attitudes, such findings are clearly inconsistent with the folk belief that cosleeping has detrimental long-term effects on psycho-social development."

That's a great link!

Though I personally loved it that my daughter (at 6 1/2 even) wanted to cuddle me all night long, it was a little tiring. I found that she quickly became a fan of using a body pillow (a full sized body pillow, practically bigger than she) to cuddle up with, while I held her hand or rubbed her back or kissed her forehead. Now, at 7 1/2, she is sleeping in her own bed, except for occasionally coming to visit us in the middle of the night (after a nightmare), but she still loves some cuddles right before she falls asleep.

I think your 4 1/2 year old will soon grow out of this behavior, but I think having a lovey, perhaps even a big stuffed animal that she gets to go to the store to buy, especially for this purpose, or a big soft fuzzy body pillow, might help give you a little extra space to move around.

 

[RunAround]

For a long time, my husband coslept with my oldest while I was still night nursing my younger son. When we opted to night wean (to preserve and protect my last shred of sanity), I started staying with my oldest. He's been in his own bed/room since 2 1/2, but can only sleep through the night is someone is there for him to cuddle. At this point, I don't see any end in sight.

No advice here, but hopefully it will feel a bit less frustrating to know you are not alone in having a cuddle bug.

 

[churndash]

What works for my 6yo is to "hold hands" while we're falling asleep. It provides physical contact without the "on top of me" feeling of cuddling. You could cuddle the baby with one hand and hold your daughter's with the other.