[annaconda]

First timer... man did my birth go the opposite from my wishes.

I prepped extensively with hypnobirthing, tons of yoga (I am a yoga instructor), lots of guided relaxation, husband was great at relaxing me.

A day after my due date I came down with Bells Palsy (half of my face is still paralyzed - they don't know when it will go away but most think it will just go away in time.) We headed to the ER thinking I was having a stroke and my BP spiked, but thankfully I and the baby were ok except that HELLO half of my face doesn't work which is really upsetting to me... i don't want any pics taken of me and the baby still.

So I ended up way overdue and was in a very weird place with the palsy and waiting for the baby to come.

Labor was way more intense than I expected which I think is due to what was going on in my uterus - the cord was tied in a true knot. The baby did not come down into the pelvis and no one thought much of it but it was definitely a warning sign in retrospect. I think he was protecting his cord. I labored very hard at home, cxns were 2 minutes apart and extremely painful. I had no way of dealing - my techniques went out the window.

Headed to the hospital and I was only 1-2 cm and not engaged! I couldn't imagine how long things would take and they were very assholish to me at the hospital because they didn't think I was really in serious labor.

I labored for a few hours there then asked to be checked again. Being hooked up to the monitor, thankfully my husband was watching it carefully. The heartrate descended to 96 in about 5 seconds and my husband flagged someone down, this was when the cord knot cinched. I was in the operating room in about ten minutes and had the c section.

So my husband being on the ball basically saved the baby's life and I'm so grateful. A few more minutes of distress and it would have been just totally awful.

I am healing quite well from the c section, and other than insane breastfeeding drama which we're working through, the baby is healthy and gaining and unaffected.

I have a lot of issues - I worked so hard to prepare and have difficulty with the identity piece of being someone who had a csection. I worked so hard to avoid it and there's something about all the yoga stuff... i don't know, i thought I was going to have this awesome birth, possibly UC at home...

I have been seeing my therapist again and plan to continue. I at first was feeling very traumatized by the whole thing. Now I'm feeling better but still, the bells palsy is awful and hanging around, and I hate being someone who had a c section (even though it's so silly - it saved my baby's life!)

I'm not sure how this forum works, I'm a first time visitor. I know I have healing to do. I at first could not imagine getting pregnant again but now I am at least open to it even though I'm still in the crazy first six weeks with my first baby. Thankfully we're 80% on the breast now, having worked through finger/tube feeding, boob/tube feeding, etc. I am still pumping around the clock and hey, it's time to pump right now.

Thanks for reading.

Take care.

 

[Arete]

I am very sorry for the trauma you just went through--there is nothing, and I mean nothing, anyone can say to really diminish it (or at least there wasn't for me). I too had a such a clear vision of my birth, and short of DS or myself dying, everything that could have gone wrong did. It's been almost a year and I'm not over it yet, by a long shot. Advice is cheap, but for what it's worth, the thing I think saved my sanity was breastfeeding, so definitely stick with it (a good lactation consultant is worth a dozen psychologists, as far as I'm concerned). Once again, I feel for you with all my heart.

 

[Alenushka]

I am sorry it was so hard. Yes, you are someone who had a c-section . You know who else you are ? You are a mother of a live happy baby . Love yourself for being who you are, not who you wish you were.

Universe does not give brownie badges to mother who gave birth vaginally or wihout pain drug vs mothers who gave birth with epidurals or c-section. Year form now when you see kids on the playground yu will not be able to say whose baby was born how.

You, your husband and doctor made a right desicion.

Breastfeeding can be very hard . My first 6 weeks were hell but I was happy I stuck to it. I did not know it then but my son was hosiably allergy to dairy. Formula would have been a disatster.

I have been practicing yoga for many years. One thing I learned is that is important not to label myseld. I am not a yougini who "can't do inversions wihout a lot of help from others ", I am Alenushka who shows up and does yoga the best way I can. Do I care that there people in my class who can do poses I can't? No, I do not. I only care that I show up and practice.

It is great that you are seeing a therapist!

 

[Arete]

If I might interject, (and I know this isn't my thread), it's really not about getting points or badges or gold stars or something from the universe. I didn't want any reward or praise for having my baby naturally, and I don't compare myself unfavorably to moms who did. It's about not being traumatized by cold steel, bright lights, harsh voices, and a complete and total lack of ability to deny any of these things. That pain can last a year and far more. (Though I very much hope it doesn't for Annaconda.)

 

[konayossie]

I'm sorry you had such a rough labor experience, mama. And the Bell's Palsy sounds awful--even though it's supposed to be basically a benign condition that will clear up, it would just make everything that much more difficult.

Like some of the other posters, I had a similar story to yours (minus being a yoga instructor . Very educated, very ready, looking forward to the whole experience, but everything went to pot, and I ended up needing an emergent c/s after about 36 hours laboring in the hospital (we saw DS's heartrate crash multiple times and his baseline creep lower and lower--it's scary stuff). In my labor, I actually started dilating backward after feeling pushy and was forced into an epidural at that point to try and stave off a c/s even though I wasn't in pain from contrax at all (Hypnobabies). Anyway, talk about feeling like your body had failed you....I definitely felt that way. I was also told that I had no chance of ever having a baby vaginally by the OB and my CNM (depressing) after the c/s.

Anyway, I understand where you're coming from, and time will really help you, and in your case, you KNOW the c/s was the best thing for your baby; you are a strong mama for making that choice even when it wasn't what YOU wanted. I think that's what it helped me the most to hear. Sometimes c/s IS the RIGHT choice. I understand what you're saying about feeling like you're now labeled as a "c/s mom," I feel the same way, but just keep reminding yourself, it was the RIGHT thing. You have nothing to be ashamed of. You went through so much to bring your baby safely into the world!

Great job at sticking with the breastfeeding even though it's been hard! I think the breastfeeding hormones (happy ones!) really helped me make it through the first months.

 

[Snapdragon]

sorry you went through that! My story was also similar- did tons of yogs for yrs before giving birth. Though birth would be easy for me becauseI was in good shape and thought my beliefs about it would make it easy for me. Was totally blown away at ending up with a c section. Now 15 months later I have only done 2 yoga classes since giving birth- whre I used to do 2 a wek! My body still feels pretty out of whack and weak. Anyway- just letting you know that you are not alone. It is a tough spot to be in. BTW I don't always feel weak- so don't worry, it does get better. I just need to get back into youga /chiropratic.I wish you a good healing and journey into motherhood. It is pretty crazy how much c sections are used these days. and it can really take a toll on the physical body.