4 year old going on 14 - what to do???

474 Views 4 Replies 3 Participants Last post by sphinx, Jun 23, 2004

sphinx

Discussion Starter · Jun 23, 2004

I am at a loss and don't know how to continue with my 4.5 year old. Often lately, some small issue comes up and she'll start to scream at me "you stupid mongrel!" (she learned that from a fairy tale!) and such other rude and mean things. She repeats them over and over. I remain calm, acknowledge that she must be really upset to say such things, ask her if she needs a hug (she vehemently refuses) so I tell her she may not speak to me that way, and usually ask her to go in her room if she can't calm down in my presence. We don't call it a time out and I try to make it feel like a respite for her, but she still seems to view it as a punishment (though sometimes in other situations she'll go in there by herself to cool off). She starts to kick and hit me. I try to leave the room, she follows and hits me. So I have to carry her to our bedroom, she slams the door, hits and kicks the door, and continues to scream at me. I tell her I love her and that she can be angry but she may not talk that way or hit or kick, that she needs to calm down and when she's ready she can come out and there'll be a hug waiting for her. A few minutes later, she comes out. I say "oh great, you're ready. welcome back!" -- but she starts in again "you ugly, horrible mother!" So i say okay, time to go back in the room.... la la la. This could go on all day. What can I do!? I can't seem to think of anything creative to help change the situation, and it's happening more often lately. Sometimes if it's on a minor scale I ignore it and she stops, but when it comes to kicking and hitting me, I cannot ignore that!

The thing is -- I refuse to be battered by my daughter but I wonder if there isn't something wrong in leaving a child all alone to deal with some intense and overwhelming feelings - am I essentially sending her a message that it's not okay to feel this way? Might it teach her that "when you are a good girl you can be in my presence, otherwise stay away"? She is a smart girl and very emotional and has had a lot of difficult transitions in the past few months; but she seems to feel free to express herself and does confide in me a lot, so I don't get the sense I am repressing her. I never tell her she can't feel any certain way, but I wonder if i'm sending that message by making her go away to deal with her own emotions and make herself feel better.

Aside from the immediate situation, this method doesn't seem to be working in the long run either - she just gets more and more snide to me with each passing week. No sign of remorse or sense of sorrow (though I probably shouldn't expect that at this age)... but it's not only to me, sometimes she is really nasty to others outside our family as well. I really don't want a little snotty brat who can't respect people's personal space and be gentle, and I feel like I am so patient and loving with her even when I'm totally frustrated! I really work hard at it, I don't know why it doesn't seem to rub off on her! In fact my patience seems to goad her to act more challenging and nasty. She's actually got quite a lovely and giving disposition, but this monster has been emerging more and more lately.

I need some good ideas! Any and all insight and advice please send my way! Thanks

See less See more

Save

1 - 5 of 5 Posts

fromscatteredtribe

· #2 · Jun 23, 2004

i am so sorry.

my 4 year old sounds very similar. in fact less than a minute ago he called me stupid. i think the ugly talk makes him feel powerful (otherwise he is SOO powerless). we used to have the problem of him running away, busting out windows, going out the front door when i was peeing, etc. now he has chilled out a bit but the ugly talk has begun.

probably needless to say we do not call each other names. who knows from whom he picked it up. he's always with me but he has an older brother and they all learn fast what words have the strongest impact.

leaving your child alone to deal with a problem could be a perfect solution, but in my case i sincerely believe that his safety is at risk. i try holding him (against his will of course) and telling him i love him and think he's amazing and kiss him. i try to gloss over the words sometimes so they'll lose the power. i feel a bit like a hypocrit since it makes me appear to be a battered mom of sorts.

our situation seems to be a calling out for attention because other times he is the SWEETEST child in the universe, cuddles galore, lovely words (you're the greates mommy ever...rather than the stupisdest).

i am pretty sure 4 year olds are testing limits a lot and learning what they can control and what they can't.

i wish i had a more solid answer.

i'll be watching others' responses.....

take care.

See less See more

Save

sphinx

Discussion Starter · #3 · Jun 23, 2004

bump

Save

sunnmama

· #4 · Jun 23, 2004

"Often lately, some small issue comes up and she'll start to scream at me "you stupid mongrel!" (she learned that from a fairy tale!) and such other rude and mean things. She repeats them over and over. I remain calm, acknowledge that she must be really upset to say such things, ask her if she needs a hug (she vehemently refuses) so I tell her she may not speak to me that way, and usually ask her to go in her room if she can't calm down in my presence."

How about responding with an honest emotional reaction to the words? Like, for instance, "those words really hurt me!" It sounds to me like she *wants a response, some sort of reaction, and is frustrated because she is not getting it. You are staying calm and offering comfort (which she may not want because she is upset--my dd will not accept comfort until she feels she's been heard), and then sending her to her room to calm down. But maybe what she wants is to really hash out her feelings, kwim? And really understand the power of these words. As long as she is using words, I would try to engage her in discussion about the words (they are hurtful, rude, whatever), and, more importantly, why???? she is saying them. Why is she so upset? Name the emotion: disappointment, anger, sadness, frustration, etc.

Hitting, imo, is different. My dd will go thru hitting phases (hitting me in anger), and I will not be hit. That is what I tell her: "I won't let you hit me". I walk away, hold her arms, whatever it takes to prevent myself from being hit. Once they get to hitting, imo, they are beyond reasoning and discussion for the moment. They are overwhelmed with emotions, and need to just get it out. This is not a teachable moment. Better, imo, to work on handling the strong emotions BEFORE they get to the hitting--making sure that they know that they are being heard (doesn't mean you have to give in to demands--just so that she knows you are willing to consider her pov).

See less See more

Save

sphinx

Discussion Starter · #5 · Jun 23, 2004

Thanks for your insights. Actually I often do say that it hurts me, or that it's hurtful in general, and she is always gleeful to hear that she's having an effect! It seems to give her more desire to sting again. That's why I try to hold to the detached thing, which has usually worked wonders with her in the past. She goes from nasty words to hitting in about 10 seconds, they are almost the same sort of wavelength or energy level for her. Trying to come to "why" she feels what she feels has always been hard for her to articulate. I went through a time when I tried that with her, and it was clear to me that she just didn't know, and it stressed her out for me to be asking her to label her feelings. I don't want to force her to name something she can't name, and she would often just screech I DON'T KNOW!!! But maybe it's time to try that method again - I'm ready to try everything everyone suggests. Thanks again!

See less See more

Save

1 - 5 of 5 Posts

This is an older thread, you may not receive a response, and could be reviving an old thread. Please consider creating a new thread.

Top Contributors this Month