4 year old is bringing out the mom I do not want to be.

838 Views 7 Replies 6 Participants Last post by LongIsland, Apr 12, 2006

healthymom76

Discussion Starter · Apr 11, 2006

Well I am new to all of this so bear with me. My 4 yr old is driving me bonkers. I split from his dad last year and since we have undergone so many changes. I used to be a stay at home mom and nursed him until a little past 3 yr. I became a federal firefighter in Sept 04 and we hired a nanny. I never planned to make this my career just pay off some bills to stay home again. Well it didn't work out that way. Hubby had always been emotional abusive and now that I had my own income I saw a way out for myself and my son. We left the house and the nanny behind(actually he left because my husband was rude to him)to start a new life.

I am rambling...anyway. my son has been having fits of rage and defiance that present themselves only in social situations. He has been kicked out of a few daycares and one of them had to call the police. He becomes physically violent and will hurt anyone in his reach. We have been going to counseling and seeing a psychiatrist. Well that has been a challenge unto itself. I find myself yelling all of the time. With his last episode I had to leave my 60k/yr job as a single mom and stay home to focus on him. I am a bit bitter because he has no idea what his behavior has cost us. I love him more than anything. He still sleeps with me and I hug and kiss him as much as I can...even when I want to just choke him. After all of the hard work I put into caring for him as an infant and toddler I feel that I have failed him. He is not the sweet boy that used to smile up at me while nursing. He has become so angry and defiant. It is believed that he may be bipolar but all the meds are so dangerous. What should I do. I do not know anyone else in this situation.HELP!!!

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Kathryn

· #2 · Apr 11, 2006

Try posting this thread again here:

http://www.mothering.com/discussions...splay.php?f=36 in gentle discipline or even just in http://www.mothering.com/discussions...splay.php?f=35 in parenting.

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TexasSuz

· #3 · Apr 11, 2006

What is your son's relationship with his father? Does he see his father regularly? Does his father treat him better now that you are divorced? Does he feel responsible for the break-up? What do his doctors say?

I would guess that his anger steams from the divorce and his poor relationship with his father. Father's are so important to the development of boy's self-esteem.

I don't know the answer but I would recommend counseling for yourself also. It might help you deal witht the stress of the life changes and raising your son.

Best of luck. Sorry you are having such a difficult time.

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healthymom76

Discussion Starter · #4 · Apr 11, 2006

Well this is the story. After his father and I seperated he acted very stupid(father). He decided to do some questionable things to a 15 yr old and is now in all sorts of legal trouble. He did not rape her or anything that severe but stupid regardless. Before this happened he was a very big part of my ds life. After this happened he was not allowed to have ANY contact with him(not by my doing). We have both sought counseling for this. I looked at it this way, this is not my ds problem this is OUR problem. It is just hard. There is a man in my life that has been super to my ds. He is a great role model(unlike his father)and allows my ds to talk openly about dad. We do not ever speak negatively about dad(as much as I would like to). I made him a small pic book with pics of him and dad and tell him when he misses dad he can always look at the pics and remember how much he loves dad and dad loves him.

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TexasSuz

· #5 · Apr 11, 2006

Wow, what a tough situation. You know kids just want to love and be loved by both parents and they usually don't care what the parent did that was "wrong" in the eyes of society. I know of several children who have a good relationship with a parent that is currently in prison. Is there any way that you can work with the authorities to allow your son to spend supervised time with his dad or something? (as long as you feel that is safe)

I commend you for all that you are doing to help your son and not speaking ill of his father. I also encourage you to give yourself some care. I know that when my 4 year old acts out I tend to yell also. But yelling seems to make him more aggressive and he yells back at me. It is a cycle that only I can stop by how I respond to his behavior.

I really feel for your son though. To him he has lost a parent and he may not undestand why. He is hurting. I hope that he is allowed to see his father soon and that his dad will help support his counseling by attending a session or so.

Regardless, your son has an awesome mom that really seems to care for his well being. He is blessed to have you looking out for him and lovign him. I will keep you both in my prayers.

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Bestbirths

· #6 · Apr 12, 2006

Healthymom76-I am moving this thread to the special needs parenting boards, in the hopes that the moms there will be able to help you find the resources for what to do if your son is bipolar, or to figure out if his behavior is a reaction to the divorce, or....gosh...my worst thought is that children act out in extreme ways when they have been abused!!! I know you don't think your ex didn't do anything to your child, but are you sure that since he is in trouble with the law for something involving a 15 year old, that he didn't harm your son???

I think special needs parenting might be the best place for this thread, because a child who gets kicked out of daycares, and their mom has to quit their job to stay home with....probably has some undiagnosed major things going on.

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Noodlesmom4

· #7 · Apr 12, 2006

I am so sorry that you and your little guy are going through this.You haven't faild him - it sounds like you have done everything possible to provide him with a good home environment and have even looked to the medical community for help.

My ds has rages and did not do well in daycare when he did attend part time from 2 - 2.5 years old. His problems at daycare were one of the reasons that I quit work. We finally tried meds once he turned 4 (something that I have been very opposed to from the start of this journey) this January. In our case, a very low dose of Celexa helped him cope with his frustration/anger and we have been very fortunate that he has not had any side effects so far. He no longer beats up on us or his sisters - we are virtually bruise/bite/scratch free for the first time in two years. He no longer injures himself. He is able to be the sweet loving child that he truly is more often, and he seems to feel better about himself.

I am a firm believer that we as parents have a duty to try everything within reason before resorting to meds, but it sounds like you might be approaching that point. Meds aren't ideal, but in some cases they can be a part of the solution. I have to imagine that these rages don't feel very good to him, and you sound like they are just tearing you apart.

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LongIsland

· #8 · Apr 12, 2006

Quote:

Originally Posted by healthymom76
There is a man in my life that has been super to my ds. He is a great role model(unlike his father)and allows my ds to talk openly about dad.

Did this behavior begin before or after this man came into your lives?

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