[Petie1104]

<p>Our 4 yr. old is going through alot of transitions....</p>
<p> </p>
<p>His brother and sister were homeschooled, but a few weeks ago started school.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>We went from living in the country with no neighbors, and now we live in a neighborhood.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>DH was home for over a month before starting his job a few days ago.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>My mother moved out about 6 months ago, came here and stayed for about a week, and now moved to an appt.</p>
<p> </p>
<p> </p>
<p>So, amidst all this chaos, including moving into the new home we are in now, ds has started some very frustrating behaviors.  He never threw actual tantrums.  I mean you expect a certain amount of tantrums from a toddler and he never threw them.  He was always content.  I could explain why I had a rule and he may go out of the room and pout, but no tantrum.  Well, the past few days we have had full blown tantrums. Screaming, crying, stomping his feet, shaking his head, all of it.  He has also begun making demands.  For instance...</p>
<p> </p>
<p>ds--I want chocolate milk  now</p>
<p>me--not now, maybe with dinner</p>
<p>ds--NO NOW</p>
<p>me--sorry but you will have to wait for dinner</p>
<p> </p>
<p>At this point ds will stand there, lift his leg and stomp his foot with his hands on his hips.  Mind you, it's terribly cute and funny, but horribly frustrating.  I remember the 13 yr. old throwing fits like this, but his were worse, he would hit, bite, scratch etc.  I remember the 9 yr. old throwing maybe 2 tantrums total.  The 7 yr.old still has tantrums, but hers are different.  I'm not sure how to handle this new behavior with him.  He is the only one I've had that actually throws a fit, tells us to go away but holds his arms out to be picked up.  If I pick him up, he curls up in my arms and screams as loud as he can.  Yesterday this lasted for about 45 minutes (well the screaming stopped after 5, but the crying and refusing to speak lasted for about 40 minutes).  We reinstated a nap (we had transitioned to a quiet time) but that doesn't seem to be helping.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>I also have had one that did the demands thing, but she is still doing it, so I'm assuming that I'm doing something wrong.  At any rate, I'm just wondering if anyone has any suggestions.  It think most of this is prompted by all the changes, but I don't know how to help him.</p>

 

[~PurityLake~]

<p><span><img alt="lurk.gif" src="http://files.mothering.com/images/smilies/lurk.gif"></span></p>
<p> </p>
<p>What I have tried with my 4 year old and her use of "now" is to tell her that the way she is speaking to me is rude and demeaning and that I do not want to be spoken to that way.</p>
<p>Her response to mine is to then cry and say, "You're a mean mommy, you don't love me anymore", and she'll refuse to allow me to comfort her, hug her, talk to her so I can only leave her alone. She has cried down the hall over these things for up to 20 minutes. I've tried to make a more conscious effort to give her one-on-one attention before these things happen, but I can't always predict when she will behave this way. So, I don't really have any advice, but I have a similar situation with my 4 year old and will see what others suggest.</p>

 

[LynnS6]

<p><br>
 </p>
<div class="quote-container"><span>Quote:</span>
<div class="quote-block">
<p>Originally Posted by <strong>Petie1104</strong> <a href="/community/forum/thread/1284524/4-yr-old-s-new-behaviors#post_16104788"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></p>
<p>ds--I want chocolate milk  now</p>
<p>me--not now, maybe with dinner</p>
<p>ds--NO NOW</p>
<p>me--sorry but you will have to wait for dinner</p>
</div>
</div>
<br><p>Have you tried reflecting back his feelings? So, after you say "sorry, but you will have to wait for dinner" add "it's hard to wait, isn't it?" If he goes on with "I want some now" repeat back to him "I can tell you really want some now. You sound really frustrated/disappointed/angry." I found this helped our dd tremendously. If she went on for more than a minute or two, I'd first try to offer a hug. If she wasn't having that, then I'd ask her to take the whining to her room or away from me, because I was done talking about it.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>These are ideas come directly from "How to Talk So Your Children Will Listen.." and I think probably "Kids, Parents & Power Struggles".</p>
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<p>I think it's important to remember that when kids do things like this, what they're often saying is "I don't like your answer." Or as my husband often quotes from <em>Mythbusters</em> "I reject your reality and substitute my own."</p>

 

[~PurityLake~]

<br><br><div class="quote-container"><span>Quote:</span>
<div class="quote-block">Originally Posted by <strong>LynnS6</strong> <a href="/community/forum/thread/1284524/4-yr-old-s-new-behaviors#post_16112195"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a><br><br><p><br>
 </p>
<div class="quote-container"><span>Quote:</span>
<div class="quote-block">
<p>Originally Posted by <strong>Petie1104</strong> <a href="/community/forum/thread/1284524/4-yr-old-s-new-behaviors#post_16104788"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></p>
<p>ds--I want chocolate milk  now</p>
<p>me--not now, maybe with dinner</p>
<p>ds--NO NOW</p>
<p>me--sorry but you will have to wait for dinner</p>
</div>
</div>
<br><p>Have you tried reflecting back his feelings? So, after you say "sorry, but you will have to wait for dinner" add "it's hard to wait, isn't it?" If he goes on with "I want some now" repeat back to him "I can tell you really want some now. You sound really frustrated/disappointed/angry." I found this helped our dd tremendously. If she went on for more than a minute or two, I'd first try to offer a hug. If she wasn't having that, then I'd ask her to take the whining to her room or away from me, because I was done talking about it.</p>
<p> </p>
</div>
</div>
<p><br>
Validating emotions is something I have always done, and it works really well with my older daughter. With Sophia, the Leo Drama Queen, it only seems to feed into the show. I still do validate, but it doesn't seem to change the outcome.</p>