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I need some clarity on this, mamas & dads...please.<br><br>
I'm 40 weeks and 1 day pregnant with our second child. Our first is only 15 months old....I'm walking into having two infants any day now.<br><br>
I've been married for 5 years now - our marriage began with the unexpected, traumatic deaths of his sister, BIL, and nieces, and dh's been chronically depressed since.<br><br>
My first pregnancy was sunshine, light, happy flower land -- I was working, and then dh unexpectedly got a job promotion with a transfer to a new place a few states away when I was 34-35 weeks pg; I quit my job when we moved and have been a SAHM since. It's been nice, though stressful with the $$ and all....but good.<br><br>
We unexpectedly got pregnant when ds was 5 months old (oops), and it's been a difficult pg for me ... taking care of a 5-6-7... month old during 1st tri fatigue/morning sickness, the pain of losing my milk due to this pregnancy when ds was only 9 months old, fatigue and debilitating sciatica throughout the 2nd tri, and the mind-numbing fatigue that accompanies the 3rd tri...<br><br>
I have continued doing everything I would normally do as a sahm/wife during this pregnancy -- I do all of the nighttime parenting, for example, and put dinner on the table every night...all the laundry....99% of the cleaning.... all of the childcare during the day and even most of it when dh is home at night since he's "tired after working all day" ....<br><br>
I am freaking exhausted. My solace has been my beautiful, happy, healthy son and the consolation that at least I don't have to do it all and bring home a paycheck, too, as some of my best friends do, right?<br><br>
Dh is, like I mentioned, chronically depressed -- nothing ever goes right for him, no day is ever "good" when I ask him about it, he rarely laughs and only ds brings out a smile for him. He is the most pessimistic person I've ever met, which is difficult for me since I am by and large a positive, happy person by nature.<br><br>
If he comes home, he'll ask how my day was -- or how I'm doing -- "Fine, just tired" I'll say, for example. He always, always, always uses this as a springboard into how he is feeling: "Oh, man, I'm tired, too...I (blah, blah, blah)...." and he will talk at length about how he didn't sleep the night before since Adam was up (I get up with him, btw; dh has been up with him less than once a month since birth), how his back hurts, how his head hurts, how his neck hurts, and he's feeling a little nauseous....etc., etc., etc. It honestly goes on, and all because I threw out there that I was tired --- and he can't actually respond to my own reply because he was too busy formulating his own, kwim?<br><br>
This is a chronic thing, but it's been exacerbated since I've been pg this time around. I have never been more tired in my life, and I've never had such pain as I've had with this sciatic issue (although chiro has helped) over the last few months. Like I said, though, I do get through it and am comforted by my amazing ds.<br><br>
I just feel like that, for once, during this pregnancy, I'd like him to acknowledge *me* and how I am feeling. I would love for him to ask me how I'm feeling, LISTEN to the answer, and respond to MY needs for once.<br><br>
Tonight was the worst. My ILs are staying with us until the baby is born so that they can take care of my ds while I'm laboring/at the hospital -- and it's a small house. The ILs are quietly driving me crazy, but I'm trying to buck up since there's no one else nearby to take care of ds for us on an "on call" basis. It's just a small house.... FIL is ~450 lbs. and needs to be waited on hand and foot. Plus, he's a Bush Republican who wants to talk politics all the time (I decline; dh bit once, and they are just now speaking after the last three days of silent treatment). MIL is codependent and hovers. Oh, and they both have sleep apnea and snore...and so can't sleep with one another, so I've got one upstairs and one downstairs in the living room...and the whole house reverberates with the snoring and *I* can't sleep these days because of it. Oh, and the extra laundry and cooking is making a difficult week worse for me... I'm really over this!<br><br>
So, tonight.... Dh is telling me how stressed he is -- his parents are driving him crazy, work is rotten right now, etc., and there's the issue of a business trip planned next week that he may have to cancel because the baby may not be here by then. (I gave him my blessing to go away for the three-four days next week, since my mom was going to be able to come up and take care of me/ds/new baby for that time.) He is majorly stressed about this, and broods about it constantly.<br><br>
Him: "I'm just stressed."<br>
Me: "Me, too."<br>
Him: "No, I'm really stressed."<br>
Me: "If we're playing the 'I'm more stressed than you are game', then I think I get to win this week. You don't have a 10 lb. human sitting on your bladder!" (half-joking, trying to make light of the situation)<br>
Him: "I disagree. But, whatever. Whatever." (walks out of room)<br><br>
Me - standing there in half-amazement........... I am 40+ weeks pregnant. I am caring full-time for our ds. I am spending 24/7 in a tiny house with ILs I don't care for. My family and friends are all a day's drive away. AND, I am still going to have to get up with ds tonight, no matter how freaking tired I am, and still going to have to put meals on table tomorrow, and ... just everything.<br><br>
Can't he at least throw me a bone once in awhile? I'm not asking for a back or foot massage (though I'd kill for one these days), or for him to DO anything for me, or anything like that....I'd just like him to acknowledge just once in our marriage that *I* am having a slightly tense week...I feel like my head is going to explode and that my body is so tightly wound that I will never be able to deliver this baby in the peace I so want for my labor and delivery... I'd just like a hug and a "hang in there" or "good job" or "you're doing great" once in awhile. This week, it would be nice.<br><br>
I am just so sad tonight, and I can't talk about this to my friends/family IRL -- they would just hate my husband forever, and while I'm angry with him now, I will likely stay married to him... So, if anyone has read this far, THANK YOU. I just needed to get it out there, and if anyone has any clarity or perspective for me, I'd love to hear it. If I'm being selfish, I need to hear that, too, but most of all, I just needed to vent.<br><br>
Thank you, if you've read this far.
 

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Oh Mama!<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/img/vbsmilies/smilies/hug2.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="Hug2"><img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/img/vbsmilies/smilies/hug2.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="Hug2"><img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/img/vbsmilies/smilies/hug2.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="Hug2"><br><br>
I am not in your exact situation, but I can relate to your dh one-upping you on everything you say<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/greensad.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="greensad"> I get that too<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/greensad.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="greensad">
 

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<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug"> If the In-Laws are there with you, is there a reason they are not helping with laundry and cooking and such? Seems this is the time you should be focusing on your child and pregnancy.
 

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<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug"><br><br>
I don't have anything more constructive to say than "He needs a kick in the butt!"<br><br>
And the IL's aren't lifting a finger around the house? You're cooking and laundering for them? Some help they are!
 

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I would just break down and cry. Don't let anything hold you back, and just do it. You need to show dh how miserable you are right now, and he needs to take you seriously. Crying will help you and it will also put things into perspective for you husband.
 

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I agree with the pp--cry. Get it out there. Sure it may "stress" him out a bit more, but that's the point. He needs to see how hard this is on you.<br><br>
You are not being selfish. You deserve all the things you're talking about. I'm a SAHM of one and my hubby has night-time duty, helps with laundry, dinner, etc. because <i>my job's hard too</i>.<br><br>
You need big hugs <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/img/vbsmilies/smilies/hug2.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="Hug2"> and lots of 'em. You sound like an absolute saint. I don't think I could put up with all of that (esp. the IL's part, eeesh. I'd go ballistic).<br><br>
It sounds like you need to find some way to relax. You say the IL's are there to care for you dc while you're laboring at the hospital. Maybe they need a little practice--could you slip into your room during the day for a rest or a soak in the tub? Maybe leave a basket of dirty clothes out in the living room and see if they get the hint. Make yourself unavailable and let them and your hubby pick up the slack and take care of you a bit. Maybe that's a start--cry and let some of the housework, dinners go. Let them see where you need help and what's making you tired. Help them realize what it is they should be doing.<br><br>
Good luck to you.<br><br>
It sounds like your dh could use some couseling too. Not always easy to convince someone of that, but it sounds like he really does need to deal with his grief and depression and to learn how to be a suportive and caring partner to you.<br><br>
More HUGS!
 

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How about treatment for depression for your husband? Is he getting any?<br><br>
I could not do what you are doing. My respect for you, for keeping your house this way, is immense. I think you should ask him for a back or foot massage, why not? If he's stressed that he might not be there for you when you have the baby, he should want to help now.
 

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Emily, big hugs mama.<br><br>
Sometimes over the past 18 months, my dh has gotten on the pity bandwagon too. I pretty much do it all too, which I am happy to do as I consider it my "job". However, there have been times when I'm going through an especially hard time for whatever reason and he can't see it because he's clouded by what's going on with him - usually at work. I do find a good cry in front of him has been soooo helpful - kind of like drawing a picture. The only challenge is helping him then feel like he doesn't have to "fix" it. I just ask him to give me a hug and say, "I'm sorry things are hard for you right now". It seems silly to have to tell him exactly what to say to help us both, but it works like a charm. I think after two years of pg and baby, he is finally transitioning from selfish/single/lookoutformyself guy to family man.<br><br>
I hope things get better for you. Please put yourself first for five minutes tomorrow and ask your dh for what you need from him. He can't read your mind, as clear as your signals are.
 

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Sending hugs, wishes for sweet dreams tonight, and a hope that your husband has a moment of clarity where he sees that it's not all about him. I wish I had some sage advice but sadly, I don't. It sounds like your dh needs to get some help before he can see past his own issues to acknowledge yours. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/img/vbsmilies/smilies/hug2.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="Hug2"> You are superwoman. However tired and crappy you feel right now, I hope you are proud of yourself too. You sound like an amazing mother and wife. Hopefully your dh realizes that too!<br><br>
Take care and best of luck with the impending birth!!<br><br>
Jill
 

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I hope you don't mind that I jumped over to read this.<br><br>
As an immediate idea, can your doctor put you on "bedrest"--so that your DH has to grasp the reality of the situation? You NEED to be resting!!!! Really resting...as you know, this is just the beginning of physical, mental, emotional demands on you, mama. You can't keep doing everything...something will have to give...and I know you won't let it be your children's wellbeing...so don't let it be your health or your marriage either!!!<br><br>
Please tell your doctor that you need relief at home and that you need rest, and that you need help communicating this to your husband.<br><br>
On a longer term basis, I am thinking that it may be good to have some counseling to facilitate communication about your reality and address his depression. I know that this will pose challenges to even make it to some appointments with a toddler and new baby, but I think that if he's not hearing you NOW, what will it take for him to get the message?<br><br>
I really really HATE it when I feel that DH is not grasping the gravity of my situation. It feels really deflating and makes me feel insecure. I am not in your situation, but I do know that feeling. Hopefully, someone more removed than a family member (like your doctor, after a phone call from you TOMORROW) can get his attention with specific recommendations for you to get some rest.<br><br>
I sure wish someone other than your IL's were available to help, sweetie. I hope your mom will be more helpful and comforting for you. Can she come sooner than later if so?<br><br>
Hopefully I haven't been too pushy with advice! You can tell me if so!<br><br>
Love,<br>
Adrienne
 

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It sounds like you're really in a tough spot right now.<br><br>
You can't change what you've done as far as the IL's go, but I really think that was a mistake. They sound like they're not much help at all.<br><br>
Please, get your rest. You need it for the delivery. I would second the bed-rest motion. Get your doc or midwife to make it happen, and make sure either your IL's are there or DH is there to know it's neccessary.<br><br>
Hang in there, honey. I'm praying for you.<br><br>
Jen
 

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Was he attentive/sensitive/thoughtful before the deaths of his sister/BIL/neices? (how awful btw... I can see where that would throw someone into a depression) It sounds like he really needs some help for his depression. He can't give when he needs so much, if you kwim. So no matter how clean you keep the house or how many meals you make or how well you care for ds, he still isn't ok. He needs to go to counseling imo.<br><br>
If you deal with the depression issue and it doesn't resolve your problems, then is it his laziness - or a habit (you always did it from the beginning and taught him to expect that) or ?<br><br>
I am also wondering why your ILs came to stay with you for the birth if they aren't particularly helpful, and if you don't care for them much. Seems like an awful choice, and I can see where you'd be even more stressed out. If there is no one in your town that you are close enough to to leave your ds with overnight for the labor, then I'd add that to the to do list. Can you join a mom and baby group - so you get some support!, ds gets some playtime with other kids, AND you can get a better guage on what is reasonable.<br><br>
I met one of my best friends at a La Leche League meeting when our second dc's were babies. Clicked instantly, and she actually had my dd3 today when I was at a doctor appointment with a friend. LLL is a great place to feel supported.<br><br>
I think you are really smart not to vent to your friends irl - for exactly the reasons you mention. But you do need support. And to realize (if you don't already) that you deserve more support from your dh!! Venting is great but it probably won't change your situation. I just think that he can't give you what he doesn't have. Sad that you are 40 weeks pregnant and needing it - but that doesn't change the fact that he has issues that are preventing him from being who you need right now. Lean on your mom or sister or best friend, and as soon as you are settled into life with two kids, try again to get him some help - as that will lead to a better home life for you too. At least that is how I read it. I hope things work out for you. You deserve to be taken care of too!
 

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Well, the long term solution is obviously counselling, but the short-term solution is going to have to be just taking that break, others be damned. No one is going to give you anything, so take what you can get. It's not selfish, it's for the baby. Apparently they perceive you as too capable, so start being a little less capable. Some suggestions:<br><br>
-Order pizza, and be in the bathroom when it comes. Hey FIL, got any change? I need you to get the door. Next night, Chinese food, and so on. No more cooking, period. (Take yourself and your son out for a healthy lunch while you're out running "errands" and leave the others to fend for themselves.)<br><br>
-Don't touch the laundry. Let it pile up. No need to wash your maternity clothes right now, and manage the best you can for your son. IL are welcome to the machine, and when MIL runs a load, say "oh, can you throw a few things in for me?"<br><br>
-Paper plates. When you run out, send out the IL to get more.<br><br>
-Go on about how stressed poor DH is and how IL should take you all out for dinner.<br><br>
-Ask IL to take over for evening routine with DS, so they can get to know him better before the birth. Bath, bedtime, etc. Stay in your room with a magazine during this time, and only answer questions as needed.<br><br>
-Suggest "field trips" for the IL to take ds. Ask them to take him to the toy store to pick out a present for baby (and a few for himself). Take a nap while they are gone.<br><br>
-Announce nap time when DS naps, and ask that they leave the house or be quiet, and take a nap yourself.<br><br>
-Exaggerate the moaning and groaning when you get up. Maybe they are not aware of how bad it hurts?<br><br>
-Spend a few hours in the bath, and announce to IL that they are in charge.<br><br>
Good luck!
 

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Emily, I would really listen to LookMommy!<br>
Even if it is hard for you to become 'helpless' you really should. You will be so wore out if not.
 

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Great practical ideas from LookMommy!<br><br>
I am sorry that you are having such a hard time, I can't imagine dealing with all that you are dealing with. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug"><br><br>
I do want to mention something about your dh's depression. When I was 5, my mother's parents were murdered. I didn't know what happened (knew they died, didn't know how until I was 12) and I can't tell you what my mom was like for years and years after their death. I was just telling my dh the other night that he can't even imagine how different my mom was when I was a kid, from how she is now (she is a fabulous Grandma). Don't get me wrong, my mom was a good mom, she loved me and did the best she could, but- she was so depressed for so long, and I totally understand that. There is an entire different process of grieving a death like that, and TBH- I don't know anyone who was "normal" even with counseling, for a long time. Of course, counseling will help (given the right counselor), but- I just want to say, it is "normal" how your dh is dealing.<br><br>
All of that is not meant to mean that nothing should be expected of him, and that he shouldn't care about your needs. He does need to be there for you as best he can, and encouraged to care for you and your children. My mom always tells me she doesn't know how she would've lived through it all if she didn't have us kids and work to "live for" each day and give her a sense of purpose.<br><br>
I hope that you are able to get the help you need now, and help your dh get the help he needs too. Your dh is acting like a jerk, you surely can't let the deaths and his depression be an excuse for poor behavior, but- you can try to keep it all in mind (which it is clear you do, from your OP) as his triggers.<br><br><img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug"><img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug"><img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug">
 

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first, i'm really sorry that you're going through so much.<br><br>
second, i think it's important to tell your husband that you need to be heard. with this, explain that when he says "no, i'm more stressed than you. . ." that it basicly says that your experience doesn't count, doesn't matter, and thus that you and your experiences are unimportant. you could also continue this conversation with "i'm willing to hear how you're feeling, to validate that, but it needn't be a comparison game as to who is 'more stressed.'" Ask that conversations be a give and take, not just a one-sided rant due to his frustration.<br><br>
third, LookMommy gave a number of great ideas, but one that might even do better would be to ask the ILs to rent an extended-stay apartment/room at a near-by corporate hotel. this not only gives them comfort and privacy (and access to the kitchen etc), but it also gives you privacy and the ability to rest (less noise). you might also ask them to take DS for an evening or two (just for a couple of hours) so that you and DH can have a nice dinner together (order delivery and have it at home) and some time without stress, DS, etc, and that DS gets special 'grandparent time' with them.<br><br>
whenever my family (ils or my family) comes to visit, they always stay at a bed and breakfast or extended stay place so that everyone has space. everyone is far less stressed. my ILs hate it, but we have very limited space (no extra beds), so if they want a comfortable place to sleep, that's their option. my parents prefer it--and so do i.<br><br>
good luck to you in all this!
 

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Oh my gosh. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug"> I couldn't do what you're doing. I wish I could help you out in some way.<br><br>
I agree with the PPs who said you need to break down and cry. Show your husband how hard this has been on you. He sounds like he needs a BIG wake-up call.
 

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Your dh needs to smarten up - but you also need to work on communication from your end. Your entire post is full of trying to be positive, trying not to bring him down, "making light" of the situation, etc. I'm not saying that's a bad thing, but it's also not honest communication. If you say, "fine - just tired" or a light-hearted "I win - you don't have a baby on your bladder", there's really not much there to tell your dh how wiped you are. <i>We</i> know what it feels like to be pregnant and chasing a little one...but your dh doesn't. You've got to <i>tell</i> him. When he complains that his parents are driving him crazy, <i>say</i> "yes - I know - I deal with it all day". When he talks about being tired, <i>point out</i> that you're looking after three other people all day, while also carrying another one around inside you. You can't just shrug off your exhaustion and stress, then expect your dh to acknowledge it. He's not picking up on it - no matter how obvious it is to you, it's not obvious to him (that's probably at least partly due to the depression).<br><br>
Talk to him...make it very clear that you don't want him to fix it - you just want him to understand that you're exhausted. I also third (or fourth or whatever) the suggestion to break into tears, if you're not getting through.<br><br>
You need your rest - for the remainder of the pregnancy, because you need to be rested when you go into labour. You need to be as rested as possible going into the new baby days again. You're not a servant - shove the laundry, the cooking, etc. and <i>rest</i>. If your dh reacts badly to that, talk to your doctor about it. This is about your health - severer fatigue isn't good for you.
 

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He's not being a JERK. He's depressed, and there's a difference, though it can look similar at times. Get him some help.
 

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I have this weird feeling like Emily is "busy" right now.. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/lol.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="lol"><br><br><br>
ETA: Sorry if I wasn't clear... But you know, 40+ weeks preggers and all...<br><br>
By the way, HUGE <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug">s to you. You deserve them. I really hope that things change for you soon.
 
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