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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
I'm a 46 year old sahm with a partner 12 years younger than I, and two boys 5 and 3 1/2. My partner's patience of little sex life has endured through pregnancies, nursing, and the family bed. Now the boys have had their own room for over a year but the paucity of sex hasn't changed. Taking care of two preschoolers all day wears me out! At the end of my day, I'm too pooped to pop! My partner's patience has run out. Any older moms out there with advice for reviving the over 40 sex drive?
 

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Hey mama. I am 39, and though currently not experiencing this problem <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/shy.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="innocent"> (if anything I have too much desire going on these days, and my partner cannot keep up <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/blush.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="blush"> )<br>
I have been there. Some things that worked for me: Relaxing bubble baths, followed by a zero-expectation massage. A zero-expectation massage is one in which your partner takes the time to massage you head to toe, without assuming there will be sex at the end of it. If you get relaxed enough and the feeling is there, then that is great.<br>
Get as much rest as possible. When you are tired, the choice between a booty call and a sleep call is usually going to mean sleep. Nap in the day if you are able.<br>
Make time for each other, just being together. Write romantic notes to each other, talk about the things you'd like him to do, if you were feeling amorous. Watch a romantic movie together, share a glass of wine (nix this if you are a nursing mama.)<br>
All in all, do not be too hard on yourself. Take it a moment at a time, and keep the communication open between he and yourself. Hang in there.
 

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Discussion Starter · #3 ·
Naps and baths are old friends and haven't helped much, and when you're tired, a glass of wine is relaxing but it puts me in the mood for bed - as in sleeping!
 

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I'm 37 and... yes, I'm tired but... I'm starting to think it's time to find a regular babysitter. I really think what we need is time alone, without expectations. To look at each other and go, "oh, yeah, here's that guy I married!! I remember him!!" lol.<br><br>
But I want to have the energy for intimacy too... sometimes it's more about my mindset than how tired I am... I get in the habit of NOT thinking sexually. At all. I think having a few volumes of well written erotica around (or whatever it is that gets your motor revved up) can not only be fun but indulging in it a bit on a regular basis keeps the concept forward in your mind so that it doesn't get put off way in the back by other things during the day. I know that going and seeking the things that spark me up has been really helpful for me, it takes an effort but it helps my "I want to want it enough to stay awake for it, really I do!!" problem.<br><br>
I've read that when women have sex less, they want it less. So a phase of infrequent sex can easily lead to even less sex... a downward spiral. It seems to hold true for me. I know I have a good healthy energetic libido in there, somewhere, a motivation that I know is easily strong enough to overcome some fatigue at least once in a while..! So to do/read/view things that are purely erotic in nature helps me reconnect with my libido energy, and I'm always glad for that. So is dh!! <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/orngbiggrin.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="orange big grin">
 

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Sex drive is almost 100% MENTAL. So, ask yourself if there's other stuff that's entering into this equation as well as being exhausted from the kids (which is a fine reason, in my book LOL). What I'm saying (so NOT eloquently LOL) is that if you *want* to have sex, even being extremely tired won't get in your way EVERY night... does that make sense?<br><br>
So, are you angry with your SO for some reason?? Are you feeling resentful about your roles? Are you feeling insecure (about your body? about your relationship? about not working? etc.)? Does your SO meet your emotional needs (my guess is no, since you have no desire)?<br><br>
I am 39+ and can totally understand where you are coming from. If it is *just* being tired, then take a weekend every few weeks and go away JUST YOU (even if it's to the local coffee shop to read a book for a few hours, or a movie or something). You need to reconnect to YOU and your inner life. It sounds like you might be just so frazzled that you've lost connection with your self and with each other.<br><br>
Once you figure out what is going on for you, then you need to approach your SO and discuss it with him... brainstorm solutions and a plan to put into action.<br><br>
HTH at least give you something to think about <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/smile.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="smile">
 

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My friend had this problem and it turned out she had low testosterone levels. Have you talked to your doctor yet? It might be a good idea. Good luck <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug">.
 

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i feel almost the same as the op.<br><br>
i'm 39 and way too tired most of the time.<br>
infact both of us are. i've always had a stronger drive than dh. but these days our juices are so low.<br>
i'm taking the advise of others.<br><br>
ma-t
 

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To the OP: one thing that hasn't been mentioned yet is, if you try the above things and they don't work, to have a thorough physical exam. Being a 50 year old woman myself with a healthy sex drive, I do know that after age 40, physical factors DO matter in maintaining a good sex life. Some things that can impair libido after age 40 include perimenopause, being low on B-Complex vitamins, hypothyroidism, and lack of exercise. Being in good physical condition overall is especially important for us over-40 women (and men!).<br>
Good luck!
 

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47 here and nursing.Low libido?Try no libido..I am absolutely worn out by the end of the day <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/img/vbsmilies/smilies/eyesroll.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="roll"> It hopefully gets better after dd is older and in her own bed,but I'm slowly beginning to realize i'm OLD <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/love.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="love">
 

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<div style="font-style:italic;">I'm a 46 year old sahm with a partner 12 years younger than I, and two boys 5 and 3 1/2. My partner's patience of little sex life has endured through pregnancies, nursing, and the family bed. Now the boys have had their own room for over a year but the paucity of sex hasn't changed. Taking care of two preschoolers all day wears me out! At the end of my day, I'm too pooped to pop! My partner's patience has run out. Any older moms out there with advice for reviving the over 40 sex drive?</div>
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My aunt is your age and is menopausal. She takes testerone -- and it works.
 

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Just wanted to add--certain medications can also impair the libido. I'm not sure what their names are, but some anti-depressants and meds for high blood pressure can have sexual side effects.
 

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Discussion Starter · #12 ·
Could I be starting menopause? How could that be - I'm the mother of a little three year old! I wasn't planning on that happening for another ten years! <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/duh.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="duh"> Has anyone tried testosterone therapy? I don't know anything about it.
 
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