[Mama2RMM]

We have 4 month old twins and an almost 2 year old. Our toddler is super - a great vocabulary, wonderful communication skills, and a pretty easy going personality. She's still a two year old though, and needs a lot of attention and has recently started hitting, throwing things, and having tantrums. All of this is, of course, age appropriate behavior. We use gentle discipline / natural consequences with her and it seems to work decently when I can actually *do* it. Hard to work on no hitting when I am nursing both twins and she runs off.

With the twins (2 months old, adjusted) I feel like so little of my time can be given to anyone. I am so busy putting out the roaring fires that I don't have time for the small things. I'm ashamed to say it, but I don't enjoy any of my children right now. All I have time to do it take care of their true needs, hunger, shelter, clothing, and a hug and kiss every few hours. As soon as one is calm, another someone starts up.

My husband is wonderfully supportive and helps a TON. We fight like cats and dogs from all the stress though. It's draining us. We have a Mother's Helper for 4 hours each afternoon, but she mostly ends up taking the toddler and that still leaves both twins.

Our house stays in shambles. My toddler is now a Sesame Street addict. I just feel so darn guilty everyday and I want to cry right along with them. I know we'll make it through all of this, I guess I just needed to vent.

Anyone have any stellar suggestions?!

 

[1Plus2]

I was in just about the same situation you are in now...only I was experiencing it 3 1/2 years ago. My oldest dd was 27-months-old when I had my twin dd's. For the most part the oldest took everything in stride but she did have her moments of rebellion.

Stellar suggestions.....? That would be to try your best to keep your sense of humor. As crazy as it sounds it was actually what kept me sane! When everything seemed to be falling apart I would take a deep breath and laugh at the madness that was surrounding me. Babies would be crying and a 2-year-old wreaking havoc and I would just look around and laugh. Now, there were times that I just wanted to sit in the middle of the floor and sob...or days that I would have ripped my dh's head off if I could. But I promise you that it worked for me to take that deep breath, find the humor in the situation and try to take my days moment by moment.

Okay...some ideas for your 2-year-old. I kept a basket full of goodies in our hall closet. They weren't anything overly exciting...some toys from the Dollar Store, sticker books, crayons, an inexpensive doll, etc. When she was having a bad moment or when I would have an extra moment to devote to her, I would pull something out of the basket. Read to her while the babies are nursing...or watch Sesame Street with her and talk about what is going on. Also, try to take full advantage of the mother's helper. I didn't have one but I would have loved it if I did! Nurse the babies and take 15 minutes to take your daughter on a walk or a drive to the store to pick up one or two things. ANYTHING to make her feel special and to get you out of the chaos every now and then. Don't stress over the house. Pick up what you have to so you don't break your neck and realize that having 3 children under the age of 2 is going to equal a messy house. No biggie!

I PROMISE you that this will pass soon. The babies will be able to sit up before you know it and you will have a bit more free time to get to some of the things you want to do. Plus very soon they will be able to interact and play with their big sister and those moments are truly, TRULY priceless. I tell you this as I am listening to the sweet sounds of my three girls giggling while trying to figure out what toys they want to take on vacation next week. Hang in there, Mama!!!

 

[cdahlgrd]

Do you have a couple swings or bouncy seats? I would wear a baby and put one in the swing. (Some kids like swings, some bouncy seats, so get one of each from a friend) They liked it there, and I could play with my 4 y.o. or cook/clean, etc. If I focused on one major chore a day, I could keep most things undercontrol. Monday I would clean bathrooms, Tuesday floors, Wednesday kitchen, Thursday clutter, Friday floors, Saturday & Sunday Laundry, cooking and catchup.

I would give a baby to your helper and take one baby and your older daughter out or for a walk or just play. (at least occasionally)

A sling is vital. You can wear a fussy baby and still get work done. You can also wear a 2 year old and she will feel much better!! (In fact I put my oldest in the sling a few weeks ago. . .he was just so snarky I couldn't stand him. I had a new kid 30 minutes after I tied him on!!)

more later, I have a crying baby

 

[Mama_in_Maine]

Hi Anna,
Just wanted to share I am right there with you. I have 3 month old twin boys and my daughter who turned 3 last week has Autism. I have no idea how we've held it together.
(I think we've actually come undone many times but we able to glue ourselves back together somehow).
I thought I'd bump this up and maybe we can get some more suggestions from those that have been there!

 

[Mamushka]

Wow Anna, I could have written your post myself. 4 month old twins here and a 2 ½ year old. Honestly, I can’t say I am enjoying being a mother these days myself. I’m always loosing my temper with my toddler and feel like I can’t give my babies the attention they need. I feel guilty for yelling “no” so much but sometimes it’s the only thing my sleep deprived mind can come up with when my toddler is taking advantage of a moment when I am occupied with a baby. We recently lost our part-time mother’s helper. She was summer help only anyway. Now we are really scared. Especially my husband who has been dealing with a grumpy wife who seems to break down crying or yelling once a week. Poor guy. I just tell myself it will pass and try to hug and tell my toddler I love her as much as possible.

 

[mamaley]

To the OP, mama in maine, and mamushka--I'm not a mom of multiples, so i've never been in your shoes. But what you're doing is nothing short of amazing. There's absolutely nothing wrong with letting your child watch a whole lot of pbs kids during this period, having a messy house, etc. I don't know anyone who could have it all together in your situation without a lot of extra help...I was a mess those first few months (ok, the first year), and i only had two kids. Go easy on yourself.

 

[homewithtwinsmama]

Hmmm... I wish I was in your shoes. I have a 2 year old and just one surviving twin(see my story on mothering this month A Crunchy Mama Finds Her Way in the NICU), plus our 8 year old twins. What I can say is that when I had the first two the first six months were insane. I felt like I was drowning. Then they sat up, took note of each other and started crawling away on occasion. And then sit for story readings. I think you just have to white knuckle it until a few more months have passed. And I did the yelling thing with dh too. Try to be gentle and know that it will pass and become easier. That mother's helper needs to take the twins for a short time daily so you can get in a routine of some "special time" with your toddler even if only 20 minutes! I use my older two so that I can get that with our toddler. Best wishes, Lorrie

 

[MaterBum]

belaware:

How are you doing, mama? I was in your shoes! My dd1 turned 2 five days before my twins were born. She was great until the twins were about 6 weeks old, then all heck broke loose! I was embarrassed at how much a I yelled, cried, stomped around the house. But you know what? It DOES get better.

I agree with PP's that getting someone to stay with the twins so you can spend time with your toddler is key. That is what calmed my dd down. I also gave her a space all her own at that time. We took the room in our house that was being used as a catch-all with changing table, etc. and turned it into her room. She picked out the colors, put a bed in there with a rainbow tent over it, picked out a groovy light (we did all of this for under $50). We started using that room as her "safe" space. When she was feeling really overwhelmed, melting down, etc. I would stop whatever I was doing...even if it was nursing...and pick her up, cuddle her down in the bed, get her a drink/snack/book and then go back to nursing.

Everyone warned me that I was just rewarding her tantrums, that they would just continue and escalate if I did this. It wasn't true. It renewed her trust in me to take care of her, too, on all levels. And the twins didn't suffer from being popped off the boob a couple of times here and there for a few minutes. They, too, seemed to realize I always came back and resumed what we were doing. Babies and children really are amazingly bright creatures!

Now my twins are 15 mos and she is 3. She LOVES her room and uses it as a safe haven when the twins have grabbed one too many things from her, or she thinks the adults are being too loud, whatever. She also likes to take the twins in there with her sometimes to play.

It really does get better, I promise! I hope some of this has helped.
HUGS!

 

[Stayathomemommy]

cry.........just let your self bawl your head off. and when you are done, wipe your eyes, take a deep breath, and let the guilt go! who cares if the house is upside down and there are no clean dishes. sometimes all any of us can do is provide the bare essentials. every month with the babies gets easier. you have some great help, thats something most people dont get. take advantage of it.

sorry no real advice but to say a clean house simply isnt important when you have young kids.

 

[CajunMama]

: I can't do much but say "yeahthat" since I have 2 sleeping babies on me at the moment. ( not that you don't understand that, right?

) I have a 2yo and 6mo twins and I have gotten over the messy house thing. Maybe I've just gotten used to it- but it really doesn't matter. What matters is fed and reasonably clean kids. I hate to say it but TV has become my friend for my toddler, and I do have an exersaucer, swing, etc. i have gotten over the guilt thing. I'm doing the best I can and hug and kiss my toddler as much as I can.

if anyone wants to complain aboout my house they can come over and hold a baby or chase a toddler while I clean it.

hugs to you. It's hard- and some days are easier than others.

 

[leakyandsnort]

My oldest is 4 1/2 and my twins are 2 1/2. Believe me when I say it gets better. Just keep saying it, and before you realize it, it'll be true.

Hugs, mama!

 

[2+twins]

I wish I could offer some advice, but I'm pretty much in your shoes as well. My twins just turned 5 months and I have a 2 1/2 yo dd and a 5 1/2 yo dd. I kinda hate myself as a mom these days. I totally believe in gentle discipline but I am NOT holding it together enough to use it. My 2 yo is testing me like crazy and I just don't know what to do. And then there's infant twins to contend with as well and they're leaving me totally exhausted from lack of sleep which is creating a zero patience, angry me. Anyway, I don't have any answers - I wish I did. Just want to offer a

and hope that it will get better for all of us in this position real soon!

 

[Camellia]

I was where you are not long ago. For 3 months I had virtually no help. I actually took my 7 y/o out of school just so he would play with my older dd. She was 19 months old when my twins were born.

My twins are 9 months now and my husband took 6 months off from school so I didn't stay insane. I did go nuts.

My only stellar suggestions are to let go of some of your "ideal" parenting ways. I have found it impossible to give 3 young children what I was able to give my older dd and my ds.

I had to make priorities.

Breastfeeding was the top.
I kept two slings handy so that I could reduce the amount of crying and have some free hands.

-I ditched the cloth diapers.
-I stopped stressing if a twin cried for a few moments. I'd sing to the crying twin if I had it in me.
-We recently quit co-sleeping and did a very gentle form of CIO (We are ALL happier). Well rested parents make for a happier family when you have so many young children.

You'll make it through. I'll be thinking of you.

 

[Mama2RMM]

We're still alive!

Thank you all for the words of support and encouragement. I've been reading all your advice, I just have not had the time to sit down and write a reply.

I actually have a lot to be thankful for with Meagan and Morgan - they do sleep at night, breastfeeding is going great, and Rachel is pretty well adjusted to them. I think that MY guilt is the biggest factor in all of this. I simply feel like I am not "good enough" of a parent each new day. I'm beginning to see more and more that I do a ton for all three girls and they certainly aren't lacking in love... attention at times, yes.

I know that I do have it better than a lot of people with a supportive partner and a helper. I certainly didn't mean to sound like a brat - I am very thankful of the support I do have. Even with help, I still have my days. I think that speaks volumes about how hard a job we have in this situation.

Thank you for sharing your stories.

 

[Llyra]

:

I have nothing to offer, but I will be in your situation in fewer months than I am ready to contemplate, with a 2 year old and twin babies, and I'm trying to learn all I can about the true reality of the situation. So I'm lurking and learning... Thank you for letting me.

 

[midwestmom]

I am there too....I have 2 1/2 mo twins and 2 toddlers. I keep hearing it gets easier-lol.

:

 

[purpleheather79]

No suggestions.... but I am right there too. LOL I have a 3 1/2 yo, a just-turned 2yo and 4 month old twins. It's "organized chaos." I try to read to my older 2 while the twins are nursing or give them some type of project to do while I'm tending to the babies. When all else fails they watch Veggie Tales or Little Bear. LOL

 

[danibu98]

I am right with you. my daughter is 25 mos older than the twins. Everything I never said I would do I have done now, for my sanity.
I feel like this

: many day. the days fly by and I try so hard to give my daughter attention.
my kids watch more tv than I would like.

we are also gutting our house too, so my kitchen has no counters or flooring. since April..... stress!!!!!!

I take help from ANYONE who offers it.
My DH is a huge help.
I work weekend mornings to get out of the house for a bit and it is my sanity.

Danielle