Mothering Forum banner
1 - 11 of 11 Posts

·
Registered
Joined
·
77 Posts
Discussion Starter · #1 ·
What do I do? In a casual after potty chat with my 4 yr this came up. I have to constantly remind the boys to finish fixing their clothes in bathroom before they exit(they r always too concerned about getting back to playing). I was about to remind DS yesterday when he said I know mama I don't want to show anyone my penis so I'm gonna fix my shorts before I leave the bathroom. As he's about to go out the door he adds, "Not like S.(neice's name) cause she wanted me to show her my penis."

I had him stay a bit and tell me more. I asked him when did it happen, he said it was on our last visit to grandma's house he kinda mentioned the time and place, something about before we ate burgers and how I was in the other room. I asked him what did my neice say to him he just said "she wanted me to show her my penis". I aksed him if he did he said no. I told him he did the right thing and that he should never show his penis to anyone and if someone asks him to then he has to tell me or his father.

I don't know about this. I don't want to doubt my child, and I don't but.... If what he said happened around the burger time, then I do remember he had to go to the bathroom then, maybe neice was just trying to help him and he took things to the extreme thinking that she wanted to see his penis. I know however that he ended up going to the bathroom alone and the most help he needs or I would allow another person to give him is to unbutton his pants. However I also know that my niece can be sneaky at times, she is 9 btw. I have many issues with my SIL's moral codes as well as what she allows niece to be exposed to. So it is quite possible for my niece to be curious and I highly think this could have taken place. I feel guilty for allowing my kids to play unsupervised with their cousins.

How should I handle this? What would you do differently in the future?
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
611 Posts
It could be that he misinterpreted her or that she wanted to see his penis. Kids this age do make up incredibly credible sounding stories. And 9 year olds are still not always sure about right and wrong AND they are very curious. Does she have brothers? Maybe she hasn't actually seen a penis before and figured this might be a quick chance to look at one.

If this were me I would file this info for the future and watch. Your son will probably forget whatever happened if you don't bring it up. I would certainly not leave him unsupervised with anyone you don't completely trust or feel confident in their babysitting abilities.

As for your SIL and her behavior, it will may get harder or easier as your son gets older. I spend a lot of time with my sister's family but almost no time with my brother's or SIL because of different parenting styles. I do not think ds is missing out on anything because we do see them enough, just enough. It's the same way with friends too. Some of them we are spending more time with as I witness the way the parents are.

You seem to have a great perspective on this so trust yourself and you'll know exactly what to do in the future!
 

·
Banned
Joined
·
2,097 Posts
Why doubt your son? He was very specific, he clearly said "she wanted to see his penis."

To be frank, I wonder why she is so agressively sexual at 9 years of age. I don't doubt it for a second that your son is being honest, and I would also contact her parents and discuss it with them, they have the right to know. I honestly wonder if she has ever been sexually abused, because 9 years of age is somewhat young to be so sexually forward. Sexual abuse is far more common than you may realize and can trigger sexual thoughts or ideas. While she may not have been, it wouldn't shock me.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
77 Posts
Discussion Starter · #4 ·
Thank you for the responses.

MrsMoe: You are right about not doubting my son. It's not that I don't believe him; in other instances he is quite matter of fact about things not much into the imaginative story telling side. I guess part of me doesn't want to think it happened. I guess I've always though of things like this in terms of another adult not a child and not my neice, but we don't control how things happen.

Yes my niece has an older brother, he's 15 now I think and she'll be 10 in Sept. I'm going to talk the matter over with my mother and brother. I don't even know if there is much point in saying anything to my SIL about this. She make take it seriously and its more likely she'll deny the entire matter. Currently she is "renting" a room in their apt to her 19yr old brother who shacks up with his girlfirend. That room is directly across the hall from my niece's and she has told my mother she hears strange noises coming from her uncle's room at nite. Somehow SIL doesn't feel this or the sometimes seedy crowd she runs with is in appropriate for my niece. I truly hope that my neice has not been abused but I think her environment alone is enough to set the stage for what happened.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
729 Posts
ASA,

If your neice is 9, then she *may* have just been curious. Or perhaps she got the "facts of life" talk at school (they are doing it younger and younger these days) and was wanting to see how boys are different than girls. Yes, abused children can be sexually aggressive or "over sexed" but asking to see something is not the same as asking to touch it, etc. I think I would give the girl the benefit of the doubt and assume that she was just being nosey. I *might* if the opportunity came up, get her alone and ask her why (not if) she wanted to see DS's penis and then explain to her that there are certain parts of our bodies that we don't show to everyone under the sun. Maybe try to gently question whether she has had someone ask to see her private parts or touched her in a way that made her feel uncomfortable. If she has been subjected to abuse, she may feel more comfortable talking to you than to her own mother. And of course, it is a good chance to explain to DS (as you did) that he did a wonderful job by saying "NO!" and telling you but next time anyone asks something like that he should tell you right away and not wait. I too have family with different, well, everything than me, values, parenting styles, lifestyles, etc and to be quite frank, my kids haven't even met most of them and over the past 15 years, they have seen varioius family members only a very few times (less than 10 I would say). More because of distance, but I would prevent them from being around certain family members regardless of location anyway. :)
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
4,244 Posts
I have always tried to instill in my sons heads that if some one tried to touch them or asks them to see their "private" parts they should scream NO NO NO NO TOUCHING at the top of their lungs and run to find an adult. Kicking screaming fighting and biting ARE allowed. This might be overkill for this situation but it would have it addressed WHEN it occured. I wanted my sons to know they must get out of a situation before something unfixable happens. I dont know how close you are with her mother but you may casually mention to her ... DS said the oddest thing the other day... do you think he missunderstood. That way with out accusing her of anything your SIL(or sister) could talk to her.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
7,237 Posts
I don't know if just asking to see your ds's penis equals anything sexual. It may have been nothing more than normal curiosity.
I would continue to reinforce to your son what you've already told him and tell the girls parents so they know what is going on with her (not accusing child abuse but phrase it that maybe she seems very curious and they might want to talk with her about boundaries and sex).
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
9,119 Posts
I wouldn't make a big deal out of it. Asking to see his penis isn't the same as touching him or asking him to touch her. Not even close. It could be a sign that she's been abused or molested, but it's more likely to be normal curiosity, IMO. I think you handled it well, and I'd leave it alone now. I would, though, make sure he's never out of your sight or left alone with people you don't trust.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
9,039 Posts
My nephew floored me when he was about 9. I had just had my oldest daughter. He had to watch me change her diaper. He looked at me and very innocently says "Oh, that is what a vagina looks like." It caught me off guard, and was funny. I did let my sil and bil know about it because I didn't know what he knew and thought it was their job to teach him. To come to find out he heard Ti was born and asked very detailed question about differences in boys and girls. He had gotten a lot of info but wanted a visual. So I can see your niece being the same way. She has information yet no visual reference so she is/was curious.

I would praise son for coming to you and talk about good touch bad touch and secrets.

I would talk to the mom in a very casual way. Then keep a touch closer eye on the kids.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
11,719 Posts
I agree that wanting to look and wanting to touch are two seperate things. I don't see anything out of the norm here, really.

I'd still reinforce that he did good by telling you and I'd probably reinforce that he go to the potty by himself, that he's a big enough boy to not need help, but if he does to ask you/dh/another trusted adult for help instead of the 9 year old.
 
1 - 11 of 11 Posts
This is an older thread, you may not receive a response, and could be reviving an old thread. Please consider creating a new thread.
Top