[MG01]

I don't know how to handle this situation, but it is not working. I think we can all agree that it is not ok for a baby to cry it out, it goes against one's mothering instincts and is not healthy for the baby. I think we would also agree that consistency is key- even responding to your baby 9 times and then ignoring them every tenth is not acceptable. So how in the world do you make the car work if the baby doesn't like it?

My little guy is a fairly happy baby when he is held, talked to, given consistent motion, swaddling, support, nursing, etc- basically having his needs assessed and met as they change, as any baby, and he does just fine. I mean, he has his fussy times, but I am able to soothe him.

But the carseat is the one place I feel like I cannot meet his needs. He has a high need to be in contact with me, visually and physically, and I think not feeling or seeing me and essentially feeling alone is part of the problem. I try to talk and sing to him reassuringly from the moment we get in, and sometimes that will stave off the crying for a few minutes, but it comes sooner or later, and is getting more consistent- I think he is learning a negative association, as sometimes he starts to wail the second I snap him in, and cries until I stop the car, get in the back seat with him, and take him out of the seat and hold him or put him into his sling. I usually just sling him as I don't like to leave him in the carseat when we are out and about (I mean after we get to our destination and get out of the car), but the couple times I have had him in the carseat while not in the car driving he is a bit fussy but can be soothed if I give him a finger to hold or suck on, pat him, rock/bounce the seat, etc.

I know we all shake our heads at the stories of women nursing or holding babies in a moving car, or giving them benadryl to make them sleep, but I am seriously to the point where I can see why and how this happens. I am not planning on it, but seriously, he is miserable. And it is getting to the point where his crying is escalating faster and getting more intense, with that angry/disturbing sound. It is not healthy for him to cry like that. And it is not healthy for me. I try talking to him, singing to him, reaching back to let him hold my finger or pat his arm, but usually he is so worked up that this alone won't soothe him, he would need much more than that- to be picked up or swaddled- to center him enough to respond to soothing when he gets in that state, and obviously can't provide that in a moving car. I get very distracted and feel like it is hard to focus on driving safely when this happens, I don't know whether to try earplugs and tune it out (not ideal and certainly goes against one's instincts, and does not really address the root issue) or to try to comfort him (which doesn't work under the circumstances and distracts me from driving safely). I feel awful for him, and then when his cry gets to that frantic disturbing sound, like Dr. Sears book talks about, it drives you away- it's like I get caught between this urge to make it stop and comfort him, and I can't, and then I get frustrated and want to just get away from it. I mean, I am not mad at him, when I think about it rationally I am mad at a society that creates a system of living where we need things like cars in order to get from place to place, and thus a situation where we cannot respond naturally to a baby's cries, but it also gives me a headache (literally) and is very disturbing to me (and certainly to my son- however unpleasant the experience is for me, I am certain it is doubly so for him)

I have my dad pick us up on occasion and then I ride in back with my son.. he still doesn't like it, but I can usually help calm him better in back than when I am driving.. but I can't have my dad drive us everywhere obviously.. I do try to combine and minimize trips, but I am a solo mama living in a tiny apartment, I do need to get things and also maintain my sanity.. thus I do have to go out, both for things like doctor's appointments, groceries, etc. and also to go to LLL, mom's groups, etc. and maintain my social supports. I also get out and walk every day, and he loves that, but I am not really close enough to anything to walk regularly instead of driving- the walking is more for fun/exercise, but to get places we do have to drive.

Anyone else been in this position? And what in the world did you do about it?? Any input would be greatly appreciated.

 

[Logan's mommy]

First off, congrats on the little one!

We were in the same boat when ds2 was that age. I tried to minimize trips as much as I could, but when it came down to it and I had to leave I would give him a toy, even though he wasn't really playing with them, play some music and hope for the best. Thankfully the store is only 5 minutes from our house, but we did have to make a 4 hour drive.... it was not pleasant.

I will say that ime this doesn't last forever. Sometimes now a car ride is the only thing that will calm him down and put him to sleep. Good luck, I hope he outgrows it soon.

 

[PlayaMama]

i didn't find anything that worked. it totally sucked and i would seriously NOT drive anywhere except to get groceries twice a month. it does get better once they are forward facing after a year and at least 20 pounds, in fact, i would have kept my ds rear-facing much longer except that he wouldn't cry forward facing and i was a MUCH safer driver without him screaming.

now, i plan my trips during my dd's nap and drive maybe once or twice a month. my dh drives any other times and we live very remote so we don't drive much anyway.

 

[Cherry Alive]

We have a 6-week old with the same problem, and I posted a similar thread in "Living With Babes".. A couple folks mentioned changing from a bucket (infant seat) to a convertible carseat really helps, bc the babies can feel trapped in the buckets and can see out the window better with the convertible...

I haven't tried it yet... She has a really nice car seat and I'm hoping this will phase out in a week or two (just doing short trips now). But if this keeps up, I'm willing to spend the $$$ on a convertible seat in hopes of having a happier and more pleasant car ride for everyone.

 

[Yuba_River]

This is so hard! I'm sorry you're having to deal with it. You are not alone--I think a lot of folks have struggled with this same issue. Hopefully he will outgrow it soon, but in the meantime, a couple of things that could be worth a try:
Play soothing music
Soft safe toy that plays music or heartbeat sound
Pacifer--ONLY if breastfeeding is full established. This has it's own issues/risks--but does really help some kids in the car
Convertible seat, as mentioned above--that made a huge difference for my guy. I think we switched him around 4 months?

I hope this gets better quickly!

 

[kalamos23]

If you can turn the airbag off in the pass. seat, you can put your RFing baby in that seat. It is way safer than turning them FFing and baby usually does much better when they can see you.

The Swedes do this and they have very high standards for car seats and crash ratings. Their kids RF until 55 lbs! Just make sure there is no airbag or it's turned off.

Scroll down on this link - it explains more about the pass seat for RFing and safety.
http://www.car-seat.org/showthread.php?t=78918

 

[vtgirl]

i would second whoever said changing to a convertible carseat rather than a bucket. my nephew had this very problem and my sister was at her wits end. they switchd to a britax convertible and the crying has decreased dramatically. i think they figured out it was something to do with his comfort level - he was a *big* baby and i guess just never fit well in a bucket seat.

good luck - i know what you're going through having sat in the car on a 3 hour trip with my nephew before they made the switch. it's so hard on the mama, especially a new mama - it literally drove my sister to tears.

 

[Loralz]

I so know what you mean. Our LO has gone through phases of this. If I tried to reach back there and remind her of our love, she'd just cry better. For my LO, I found that if I didn't touch her, she would settle down much faster. Unless of course, she had hit that hysteria wall, then it was all bets off, even if I pulled off and nursed her.

Like pp said, know that this will pass and your LO will enjoy the carseat again. Does he also hate the stroller, if you've used that? From what I've read, other babies that hate the carseat also hate the stroller. But around 3 months is when this intense hatred seems to end. Why? No clue.

Sometimes what works with our LO when she was at "that point" was to practice one of the 5 'S's from Dr. Karp. We put the station on static and turn it up loud. The generally soothed her when she was younger than 4 months. When we went on a road trip a couple of weeks ago, the rental we were using had satellite radio. When we turned it on, the previous people had left it on hip-hop. We were going to change the station, but noticed that LO had immediately quieted down. We have NEVER listened to hip-hop, but it was a calming thing for her. With 10 minutes, she had fallen asleep. Who knew?

Anyway, I hope something in here helps. You're not a bad mom. Your child is just not a carseat fan at the moment.

 

[aprilv]

this is so hard- we went throught this too. it will pass!

once when i was driving with my mom in the car, she was calling out all these things to do- open the windows- close them- turn up the radio- sing loudly! i thought she was crazy but ds got so focused on all the changes, he actually quieted down.

 

[lach]

My daughter was like this for her first few months, and it was SO AWFUL. I had no clue what to do: everyone was telling me that putting the baby in the car is a simple way to soothe them, that babies always sleep in the car, blah blah... and mine screamed bloody murder as soon as the car got going! My daughter has always gone against the grain... I can't wait until she's a teenager

It was so awful, and like others have said it made me never leave the house because I couldn't deal with it. But you can't actually be a prisoner in your own home (if you live someplace where you have to drive everywhere), so we did have to venture out sometimes and it was just awful! It wasn't just about her... it was so distracting and painful to me that it was a really dangerous situation because I couldn't pay attention to what I was doing.

Someone gave us a white noise machine when she was a few weeks old, the small version of the Sleep Sheep, and we started using it when we'd put her to sleep at night. But it also calmed her in the car: we'd put it right on top of her carseat hood. I don't know if it was the soothing sound (since one of the things that babies are supposed to love about the car is the white noise, so I don't know why this white noise would be different), or it was a taste of home.

The good news is that she did grow out of it after about 3 months I think. I don't know what happened, but one day I realized that I was singing at the top of my lungs to calm her down, but she wasn't actually fussing! So I know that there are babies who hate the carseat for their entire carseat career, but others also outgrow it.

 

[waiting2bemommy]

What kind of carseat do you have? There may be too much or not enough padding, the straps may beuncomfy, etc. I would also try puting him to sleep in the carseat in the hous and then sneaking it out into the car. i third, fourht fifth? the idea of a convertible carsea....that helped my ds a lot. but he really didn't like the car the first 6 months or so. I learned to drive and hold his hand.

I have driven 70 miles while holding ds's hand and/or patting his head before.

ETA a few things that worked for us:

I sang the same song I sang him to sleep with. I blasted the african playground putumayo CD. I rolled down the backseat windows (but he was older when I did that).

I made sure he wasn't opverheated/overdressed because that seemed to exacerbate the crying. hth!

 

[TinkerBelle]

Unless you can walk everywhere, with him in a sling, I don't see where you have many choices. Not only is it illegal to not restrain a child in a car, it is also unsafe, as I am sure that you are aware.

You can try some of the things people have suggested and just do your best. But, above all, don't feel guilty. Sometimes, babies cry no matter what we do.

 

[sunflowergirll]

Sorry

 

[meemee]

OP i would keep trying. and hope something works.

nothing, NOTHING worked for us. initially. so we cut down on the driving as much as possible. at around 5-6 months she would stop if we recited her favourite book, but it continued till she was about 10 months old.

 

[~pi]

mama. BTDT.

Things that helped us:

- LOUD music. Sometimes it helped distract DS, sometimes just us, but that had value! Bouncy songs were the best. (Our go-to favourite was Countries of the World by Yakko Warner (google it if you're interested.) As a bonus, we now have excellent geography skills from singing along!

)

- Finger soother. (DS sucked our finger instead of a pacifier. Very sweet, not at all workable with only one person in the car. If I could do it again, I would push a pacifier. In your case, I would try a pacifier.)

- Switching to a convertible seat. We made the switch early -- it helped.

- Making frequent, short trips. We live in a very walkable place and would only need/use a car when we leave town. We found that it was actually more helpful to make regular short trips to keep DS used to the idea of being in the car.

- Time. He did outgrow it. Wow it sucked while it lasted, though. Many

 

[felix23]

I was there with my first dd and it was awful. Nothing made her happy and she would scream till she threw up. I tried to avoid going out with her, but she was in PT/OT once a week, so I had to take her. She did eventually out grow it, but it took a long time. I never found anything that helped her. None of the tricks worked.

I'm so glad I don't really have this problem with dd2. I think it is because she sucks her thumb and puts herself to sleep almost immediately.

 

[ChaoticMum]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Cherry Alive A couple folks mentioned changing from a bucket (infant seat) to a convertible carseat really helps, bc the babies can feel trapped in the buckets and can see out the window better with the convertible...

Ditto that totally with all three of mine - I had them out of the bucket seats by 3.5 and 4mths of age. I find that even tho the straps come from below the shoulder's on the convertible RF seat same as in the bucket, it just doesn't press down as hard on their shoulders it seems. Much less constricting.

My DD cried so hard she'd vomit every time we went anywhere til I switched her at 4mths. We went thru an adjustment phase because like yours, she'd cry the moment she was put in it - but soon she must have realized it was more comfy!

Good luck and I completely remember that pain of listening to them cry!

 

[readytobedone]

mine was the same. don't worry--there WILL come a day when you can take a 3 hour car trip and not even get them out once, with no crying! it happened for us about 2 weeks ago

it gets a lot easier, though, when they can play with toys or have a snack!

in the meantime, sure, minimize length of trips, but as you said, you need to get out for your own sanity--your needs matter TOO! CIO to teach the kid a lesson is not the same as crying in the carseat to get to the grocery store so mama can have food. talk to your baby, let him know why you are going, and talk to him throughout the crying. he may not get it, but it will make you feel better...and if you're trying to soothe him, that's definitely not CIO

the things that helped us, other than time, were:

playing hip hop music really loud (it would lull her into some kind of trance and then she'd sleep)

radio static

putting windows partway down

pacifier (once she'd take it)

putting up shades to block sun from being in her face

good luck!

 

[AVeryGoodYear]

My daughter just started doing this at 8 weeks

Before that, she slept in the car ... now she cries unless we're on the highway doing 100km (speed limit!). It's very frustrating. Loud music helps sometimes, talk radio definitely makes it worse. She'll suck my husband's fingertip but not mine, nor a pacifier :\ These tips posted here sound helpful!

 

[karemore]

I'm SO sorry for all of you going through this now. It's an absolute nightmare.

Nothing worked for my DD either. We didn't go anywhere we didn't absolutely have to go because we'd both end up a basket case.

It didn't stop for us until she was over a year old.

Now she rides like a dream, has for a long time. I forget what a nightmare it was until I read that other people are going through it.

Sorry no advice, just tons of sympathy. It makes life very difficult, especially if you must drive to get everywhere.