[sea island mama]

Dd still needs someone to lie down with her to go to sleep & won't be on one floor of the house if no one else is, even if they are just upstairs or down. The kids bedrooms are upstairs & neither of them will go up alone to get dressed or get PJs on. Ds went up this evening with dd so she could get changed for Brownies & when she realized he had come down without her, she started screaming like she was being attacked! This is not a scary attic, BTW, but a newly renovated area.
She says the scariest time of the night is when she wakes up & has to make her way down to our room by herself to crawl into our bed (virtually every night), even though there is a light on in the stairwell so she can see all the way.
When we wake up in the morning, if I get up without cuddling with her for several minutes, she cries & sobs like her heart is broken until I come back for a cuddle.
She has always needed a lot of touch (I had to cut her off from nursing on her sixth birthday

), so maybe this is her way of getting it now that there isn't as much contact during the day? She reads almost constantly when she's awake & not doing something else & maybe isn't getting her fill of touching during the day.
Hmmm, this is sort of a different issue (touch vs. being alone), but I think they probably have the same root.

I'm just wondering if this is something to worry about at this point or when I should start (not that I'm a 'worrier', but if she needs help, I'd like to get it).

Or any other suggestions would be welcomed

.

 

[Embee]

My DS will be 8 in a few weeks. He is a "close kid." We co-sleep (he has his own bed in our room), but likes to fall asleep next to Dad (they go to sleep at the same time).I move him to his bed when I come in to sleep. His "room" is in the attic, a very cool renovated area such as yours, mama!

He will be alone up there for periods during the day, but will want me to check in often or better, join him. I do my best. Sometimes I turn on his CD player with music or a story and this helps him deal with when I'm not there. He is NOT comfortable being up there by himself at night. If he needs something in his room in the evening, he asks DH or I to go with him. Better to just go but occasionally I'll be busy or tired and balk and this starts emotions running and seems only to make his anxiety worse. Also, if I wake before him and come out to get some coffee, he comes out later with a grumpy look as if to say, "You left me." (I have found that if I leave a silly note/picture next to his bed to wake up to, it helps). Most mornings however he wakes before me and crawls into our bed and we cuddle.

Attachment being the very element that allows the true process of maturity to come forth, I worry little about any of this. I won't say I'm not personally annoyed by it now and again, but I don't worry about it, not at all. I know that someday DS will not only want to be in his own room, he'll likely NOT want me in it all that often. I know that there will come a day when he won't crawl into bed with me in the morning so for now, I cherish those moments even when I'd rather be up and sipping my coffee. It helps to keep one of my favorite quotes in mind:

Quote:

To foster true independence, we must first invite dependence.

-Gordon Neufeld Hold On To Your Kids

Hope this helps to reassure, mama. I think we're living very similar lives when it comes to this issue, indeed!

The Best,
Em

 

[*LoveBugMama*]

Wow, I could have written big parts of both your posts!

My son is 7,5 YO. He is also a cosleeper (separate beds in same room, but he sleeps just as much in MY bed as in his own, if not more), and he is anxious about beeing alone. He will NOT play alone in his room at all. He needs lots of touch, needs plenty of interaction etc.

In our case, he has been so anxious that we had to seek help. He is in second grade, but still haven`t been able to be in school alone. I am there with him all day, every day and have been for 18 months. But now things are going SO great that I actually think he will be able to be here without me pretty soon.

Yay! MY boy is getting big and he is starting to feel secure and not so helpless without me.

Ok, major hijacking of your thread. Sorry!!

 

[traceface]

Quote:

Originally Posted by sea island mama When we wake up in the morning, if I get up without cuddling with her for several minutes, she cries & sobs like her heart is broken until I come back for a cuddle.

what a sweet kid

I don't have any advice. My son is 6 but it looks like we're headed down the same path as you guys. Our house is tiny but in the evenings he doesn't even want to go to the bathroom alone.

 

[Embee]

Quote:

Originally Posted by *LoveBugMama* I am there with him all day, every day and have been for 18 months.

Mama, you rock! What a rare and precious gift to your son.

I was a kid with many worries. My Dad died when I was three, and my mom went back to work when I entered school. I believe she felt that she'd taken care of the attachment issue by staying with me through those early years, but I needed so much more. School was tough for me in those early years. By the third grade I became completely agoraphobic and flat out refused to go--even if my Mom worked away from the house all day, I'd rather be there alone and feel secure than feel the gut pain of anxiety all day long that school had become. My Mom finally took me to the doc who suggested counseling which was very helpful to me, but my Mom didn't have me continue because she felt it was a negative reflection on our family to have someone in therapy (she has since expressed many regrets for this). I am certain had my attachment been better attended to, I may have not struggled so much with anxiety. However, as an adult I have done much to exorsize those past demons. I still deal with anxiety, but am much better equipped to do so. And in my own family, we treat anxiety and attachment in a much different way, obviously.

We homeschool so we haven't had to deal with this issue directly. I am fairly certain however had we sent him to school, my DS would have been in a similar place LoveBugMama. I'd like to think I would have been happy to stay with him for as long as it took. As for us, in the past year, DS has really opened up. He's finally comfortable visiting his friends without a parent and has even gone on a short day trip with another family without us--he would have preferred us to attend but for whatever reason we could not. He chose to go anyway rather than be with us that day because he was truly excited about where they were going (children's museum). It was such a good feeling to see him face his anxiety in such a brave way. As a child, I would avoid things I wanted to do because of anxiety. DS OTOH, is willing to face it if he truly wants to take part in something. This is a huge testament to the differences in our upbringing I believe. This past Halloween, our neighbors took their children and DS to a kids Halloween party/trick or treating at their friends house in a different neighborhood (big old houses, all decorated and such). DS had never been there, and some of the kids he'd never met. A year ago? NO WAY. This year, he was so excited to go with his friends, he must have run to the bathroom 6 times in the half hour before they were to pick him up (two parts excitement/one part anxious

). But again he didn't let the anxiety stop him...

The best to you all. Our attached kids will blossom in their own time, and in their own way. With our support and patience and connection, I am absolutely sure of this!

Em