9 year old fear of losing me

664 Views 7 Replies 4 Participants Last post by fek&fuzz, Apr 14, 2009

Truly S

Discussion Starter · Apr 13, 2009

I am a single mom, 34 years old and I am really hoping to get some advice here. I haven't posted here in a while so I'll try to summarize. Basically, my 9 year old daughter is having a lot of fears lately about dying, about something bad happening to me and/or her dad. He and I have been divorced 5 years and she still struggles with it; He is still quite bitter under the surface, and she see's him smoke, etc...is worried about him.
I am planning to take a trip for a week with my boyfriend, (steady beau, she knows him and his kids) we are to be gone for a week in Antigua, and tickets are bought, arrangements been made, we leave in 2 weeks.
Tonight my daughter expressed to me she doesn't want me to go, and she began to cry, said she is scared something bad will happen to me.

Honestly, it brought up anxiety in me, and I suddenly feel overwhelmed with the vulnerability of this situation. I am the closest person to her, and there is family/friends but I can't bear to think of her growing up without her mom.

So, am I getting really carried away here, and am I being a horrible mom by taking this trip? I can't very well live in fear forever, that something 'might' happen. How do I quell her deep worries? My daughter is the serious, sensitive type, and I don't want to go into this trip with fear, but rather enjoy it, and live it to the fullest.

Any and all advice, suggestions are so very welcome.

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SmoothieMom

· #2 · Apr 13, 2009

Awww, that's upsetting

Is she staying with Dad while you are gone? At this point you just have to keep reassuring her that you will be home soon and everything will be fine. Did you promise to bring her a special souvenier home? or that you will do something special - just the two of you - when the trip is over?

I can see her being uneasy and also a little jealous, a trip to the caribbean is a lot of fun and she doesn't get to go.

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Truly S

Discussion Starter · #3 · Apr 13, 2009

you make a good point there, I admit fully and openly that I have harbored some guilt about whether I even deserve to go on this trip...I am a single mom who is still trying to figure out how to support myself and my daughter--my boyfriend is quite well off, (also, single dad) and so he is paying for the trip, how could I refuse?

The plan is that my daughter will stay with her dad, and currently he does not have his own apartment so I offered he could stay here at my place with my daughter so she'll have all her own things with her, (she asked to sleep in my bed once in a while when I'm gone)
I will continue to reassure her, but I know in my heart that I am not totally at 'ease' with the concept of our impermanance, so I am faced with it too.

Reaches to the core to face this stuff; to see her fear such deep, scary things(at 9 yrs old) leaves me a bit shaken, unsure.

I did (enthusiastically) mention that I would bring her back a souvenir for her, but I admit it felt such a small thing to say in the face of her big fears...I like the idea of suggesting doing something special on my return. Man, looking her in her little face with the tears and trying to reassure her 'everything will be ok'...probably one of the more challenging things I've had to face in my life......

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grass67hopper

· #4 · Apr 13, 2009

Wish I had some good advice to give you...

But knowing a lot of anxious people, you cannot play into their fears even though there are grains of truth and guilt in there.
You need to go not only for yourself ('cause you most likely deserve it

, but also because if you don't, then your DD's anxiety will take center stage.
While you are her world and she does need reassurance that you will return, you don't want her pulling this kind of thing for smaller stuff, too and you not be able to leave her side.
Also, could she be focusing on this fear when the real issue is discomfort with your X? Just another thought...

Have a wonderful time and save your pennies so you and DD can do something special when you return.

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Truly S

Discussion Starter · #5 · Apr 13, 2009

Yeah, I suppose there may be some concern about being with her dad.....She cries for him when she returns from a weekend visit, saying she misses him a lot but she also mentions that she worries about him and wishes he wouldn't smoke, and say bad words. Also she got worried because he 'forgot' to take his anti-depressant meds one day. She see's him as very unstable because he is.
Sad, that a 38 year old university graduate and plant chemistry student who failed out of grad school at UCDavis could be living in a barn with a job as a house painter.

You are right though, I need to walk through the fear and teach her to do the same.

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fek&fuzz

· #6 · Apr 13, 2009

Can you reassure her that you will email her every day?

It also sounds like getting her into counseling might be a good idea. She seems to be worried about things that are not really for her to worry about - your husband taking his meds - and with a history of depression in the family she might be worried about her own mental health.

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Truly S

Discussion Starter · #7 · Apr 14, 2009

Yeah, actually she is in counseling and she saw someone new for a while but of her own choice I switched her back to the original woman she saw, a sandplay therapist and I'm hoping to get her in before I leave on my trip.

I was able to speak with her today about these concerns, provided me with some tools to prepare my daughter and to make sure she remains connected with familiar people while I'm gone.

I like the idea of emails....I remember reading there is a a cyber-cafe near our cottage we're staying at. Although, then her dad would have to log her in to my email account and that would *not* be good. So, maybe not emails, but I will call her a bunch!

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fek&fuzz

· #8 · Apr 14, 2009

Quote:

Originally Posted by Truly S

Yeah, actually she is in counseling and she saw someone new for a while but of her own choice I switched her back to the original woman she saw, a sandplay therapist and I'm hoping to get her in before I leave on my trip.

I was able to speak with her today about these concerns, provided me with some tools to prepare my daughter and to make sure she remains connected with familiar people while I'm gone.

I like the idea of emails....I remember reading there is a a cyber-cafe near our cottage we're staying at. Although, then her dad would have to log her in to my email account and that would *not* be good. So, maybe not emails, but I will call her a bunch!

set up a free one for the two of you to use while you are gone.

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