[CraftyMommaOf2]

I need a little help here mamas. My stepdaughter is here for the summer. She's almost 9. DH and I have a 2.5 yr old son and one on the way. DS is/was trying to potty learn. We've always had naked time for him because he loves it! Well, he's pretty much naked if we're home since he's learning how to use the potty. DSD got here and the first time he was naked she flipped and ran the other way...literally. I thought she was just being silly. Well, she told DH later that night that it makes her really uncomfortable for her bro to be naked. She doesn't want to be around him if he's naked. She's actually pretty mean to him. He'll try to play with her and she'll yell at him to get off of her or to get out of her room if he goes looking for her. Any wisdom mamas? I'm trying really hard to not let it taint our relationship, but she's just being so mean.

 

[TeaForMe]

Take this for what it's worth...

It's probably hard on her to be a visitor in her dad's new family. She visits but the baby is always there so, even if she doesn't realize it, she is probably feeling a little displaced. Even if your family is super loving and embraces her with open arms. So she's probably not to sweet to the kid who has "moved in on her daddy" even though your son didn't do anything. Does that make sense?

And the nudity issue could be a byproduct of that. Seeing it as the baby's home, I bet she wouldn't feel comfortable if anyone in your home saw her naked... she probably doesn't feel that freedom.

All or none of this may apply...I don't know you or your sittuation.

And if none of that seems right you guys might want to gently ask some questions to see if she has any reason to be made uncomfortable around naked men. That's a horrible thought I am sure but it is possibe...

Whatever the cause, I hope it all works itself out soon...

 

[CraftyMommaOf2]

Thanks

 

[Mamid]

Could also be part of her developement of self. SHE doesn't want to be naked and therefore doesn't want others around her naked because she's uncomfortable being naked.

Its normal.

 

[Clarity]

I think in this situation I'd explain to her that's it's perfectly appropriate for people not to see her or you and your DH naked. But that our culture has slightly different rules for very young children and it's ok, especially at home. It's even in advertisements. Explain about the potty training, plus the developmental interest they have in taking off clothes. And that when he's older, he'll keep his clothes on. That most siblings do see each naked when very young, but then keep their clothes on when they're not little kids anymore. And that some families are more comfortable with being naked in general but that's not everyone.

And mostly, try to ask her to ignore it. And remind her that making a fuss about it might incent him to get naked *more* often for the attention. hopefully that'll keep her from being too negative to him. Maybe some other stepparents can give you ideas about how to handle the mean behavior. I know I'd be trying to find a way to discourage that very strongly.

 

[CraftyMommaOf2]

I guess the naked issue bothers me so much because it was never an issue in my house. I still have naked time :LOL Yesterday her friend hurt her feelings and made her cry. The friend got frustrated trying to explain something to DSD and got short with her. After I made sure everything was ok and had them talk about it, I asked DSD how it made her feel for her friend to talk so harshly to her. She of course told me that it upset her, made her feel bad/sad. I VERY gently told her that that is how her little bro feels when she is yelling at him all the time. Major facial expression over that one...could basically see the lightbulb lighting up. I don't think she really realized exactly how cruel she was being. Her mom isn't the nicest person to say the least and she doesn't get a great example of how to treat ppl. Anyways...so far so good today and last night with the attitude. I am going to try to approach her about the nudity this weekend. I want to have a spiel ready and not be groping for words from the get go, KWIM?
Thanks alot mamas. It is great to have so many caring ppl to seek advice from.

 

[~*max*~]

Hi Danica. Great job handling the friend issue & correlating that w/your son's feelings. Seems like that could have been a real turning point for you all.

Just to add about the nudity issue - my kids have "naked time" also after baths, where they run around, dance, play & just enjoy being naked. We, of course think it is too cute, but I've found that some of the teenagers & even young adults in our family are just not comfortable with it. One holiday half the room was cleared when the nudists started their celebration. So, of course it is not ok for DSD to be unkind to your child when he is naked, but her feelings are pretty normal.

 

[CraftyMommaOf2]

I think that was my big concern...whether it was "normal" for her to feel that way. Being 31 wks pg isn't helping my emotional/cognitive abilities any :LOL

 

[mammastar]

It sounds like you have been handling it well, helping her understand how her little brother feels when she is short with him. I agree with Clarity's suggestions also.

I have an almost 9 yo stepdaughter, also here with us for the summer (along with her 5 yo sister) - and their dad and I have a 2.5 year old, so I can relate to the challenges!

Our 9 yo is certainly more 'modest' than she used to be in the past - I think it's natural to want to put up those physical boundaries around that age, and it takes a bit of getting used to when as a parent you're used to everyone trooping around in the buff (which used to be our MO when she was younger). I agree with reassuring her that adults and older children have different privacy standards than little kids, so she doesn't feel like her own clothed state is threatened.

Does she have any other younger siblings? It may be a big shift for her to have to deal with a little one during the summer, and she may simply not have a sense of what is age-appropriate. When my 5 yo stepdaughter complains about her 2.5 yo half-sister's behaviour (lifting her dress, shouting 'mine!'), we talk about how her little sister is right on track for what 2.5 year olds should be doing, and how she did the same things at that age. Maybe your stepdaughter's dad can chat with her about what she was like at 2.5, reminisce with her a little?

You can also both tell her how her little brother looks up to her and values her as a big sister and role model, and encourage her to take that seriously. Don't forget to praise her when she is gentle and helpful with him! Positive reinforcement will help. Our 9 yo stepdaugher is usually pretty patient with the 2.5 yo (it's the 5 yo she can't stand!), but once when she was mean to her, I pointed out that 'she is crying because she is so surprised and hurt that you would use that voice with her. She is too little to understand why you are mad, she just knows how that voice makes her feel. She really loves you a lot and didn't expect you to speak to her that way.' She felt pretty bad, and adjusted her behaviour accordingly.