[Phoenix~Mama]

Well, a lot of bad days... tis why I am trying to get us into therapy. But I'm feeling really worn out today and sitting here fighting the tears that want to come again.

I don't know if DH has some mental issues or what but he has this tendancy to just flip out on me for no real provoked reason that I can determine.

Today he was straigtening up the living room and just started going off on me saying my laptop is clutter and I need to put it in the office. The office is on the second floor, and my laptop is my work laptop. It stays in it's case all weekend in a corner in the living room so I don't have to lug up and downstairs everyday to bring to work.

He just flipped out saying how I always want to make life difficult and I enjoy clutter and how I'm being an a$$hole all because I wouldn't take my laptop upstairs.

I told him he is trying to make my life more difficult that the laptop wasn't hurting anything where it is and that I have enough going on getting ready for work and what not without having to lug the laptop up and down the stairs for no reason.

This isn't the only instance of something like this.

I try to tell him it hurts me and he may get it for like a day then he goes back to exactly how he is.

Some other things... he never rinses his dishes and puts them in the dishwasher. He just throws everything in the sink for me to deal with. The dishwasher is right next to the sink! He says he cleans and watches the baby in the morning so the least I can do is clean up the dishes.

FYI: The baby sleeps til about 9am, he goes to work at 2pm. We have a babysitter come to the house for an hour and a half. I'm home by 3:30pm and with baby til she goes to sleep anywhere from 11pm-midnight. Then I have to get up at around 4:30am to nurse her before work, get ready, etc.

He does do a lot of the vacuuming and such and cleans the bathrooms which is awesome!

I do the whole houses laundy and putting it away, the bulk of the childcare, all the dishes and things to do with kitchen, and all finances.

Am I being unreasonable to ask him to help me out a little by taking care of his own dirty dishes?

 

[rightkindofme]

Of course it isn't unreasonable.

 

[pauletoy]

Sounds like there is a lot of bickering about small issues. Is it really about laptops and dishes or is there a deeper problem here? I know you said there was a potential for mental illness. Anything else?

And by the way, you are not being unreasonable.

 

[pinksprklybarefoot]

No good advice, but

 

[Phoenix~Mama]

Quote:

Originally Posted by pauletoy Sounds like there is a lot of bickering about small issues. Is it really about laptops and dishes or is there a deeper problem here? I know you said there was a potential for mental illness. Anything else? And by the way, you are not being unreasonable.

I think there is a lot of deeper issues with him.... Honestly I think whenever he is frustrated/feeling down and missing his DD he takes it out on me. It seems every holiday we do not have her he "wakes up on the wrong side of the bed."

Which I agree that it as to be immensly hard not having your child with you on the holidays... but the situation is what it is. He shouldn't make the rest of his family miserable because of it.

He did apologize later that day for going off on me, but only because I brought it up. He went to hold my hand without saying anything and he couldn't understand why I was still upset... so then he apologized and said he woke up on the wrong side of the bed.

 

[AngieB]

There will be bad days, you just have to make sure that the good days out number the bad. Marriage is hard sometimes. Once I stopped taking dh's bad days as a personal insult to me I became much happier. Somedays you are going to be in a bad mood and do and say the wrong thing and the other partner has to sometime roll their eyes (behind partners back) and wait it out.

 

[sophiesgrandma]

I have to say (I've been married almost 35 years) that of course there are times when one partner gets annoyed at what the other is doing. Sometimes it's justified and sometimes it's because the partner is having issues and taking it out on the other. All this is well and good but you don't have to allow yourself to be mistreated or spoken down to or being called names. I always take my dh aside if that happens and say basicly "I don't like the way you are talking to me or treating me and I want it to stop." I would tell him I understand if he has a problem with something I'm doing or not doing but talk to me nicely, I'm the one you love and care about. I would expect him to tell me the same if I name-called him, yelled at him or talked down to him.
We usually listen to one another and apologize if thats what called for. Of course sometimes we need a time out to cool down.

 

[LaLaLaLa]

I don't know.... I can see his side of things, too, from what you've written. You started off saying that the issue is that he's mad at you for leaving your laptop in the living room instead of putting it away. You also mentioned that he vacuums.

In my family, I'm the one who vacuums. DH is the one leaving his laptop around. I HATE to vacuum. I hate it even more when there's one more thing I have to maneuver around in my space in order to do this hated chore. I also hate looking at stuff lying around where it doesn't belong. It nags at me, and then I feel like I have to put it away, which makes me resentful because it's not my stuff.

You then brought up all of the stuff your DH is doing wrong. But isn't this fight about your laptop and his supposed overreaction to it? You ask why he can't just put the dishes away. Why can't you just put the laptop away? Maybe if you were willing to work with him on something that is really driving him crazy (even if you think it's dumb), then he might be willing to work with you on something that is driving you crazy.

In my experience, when people start trying to calculate who is doing more, or who has it harder, or who is more of a martyr to the family, things always go badly. But getting a clear, concrete message that THIS, this thing RIGHT HERE bothers me, well, that seems fixable. Negotiate. Laptop for dishes. Two problems solved.

 

[Phoenix~Mama]

Quote:

Originally Posted by LaLaLaLa I don't know.... I can see his side of things, too, from what you've written. You started off saying that the issue is that he's mad at you for leaving your laptop in the living room instead of putting it away. You also mentioned that he vacuums. In my family, I'm the one who vacuums. DH is the one leaving his laptop around. I HATE to vacuum. I hate it even more when there's one more thing I have to maneuver around in my space in order to do this hated chore. I also hate looking at stuff lying around where it doesn't belong. It nags at me, and then I feel like I have to put it away, which makes me resentful because it's not my stuff. You then brought up all of the stuff your DH is doing wrong. But isn't this fight about your laptop and his supposed overreaction to it? You ask why he can't just put the dishes away. Why can't you just put the laptop away? Maybe if you were willing to work with him on something that is really driving him crazy (even if you think it's dumb), then he might be willing to work with you on something that is driving you crazy. In my experience, when people start trying to calculate who is doing more, or who has it harder, or who is more of a martyr to the family, things always go badly. But getting a clear, concrete message that THIS, this thing RIGHT HERE bothers me, well, that seems fixable. Negotiate. Laptop for dishes. Two problems solved.

You know... that actually makes a lot of sense. *nods* I do get that. I guess one problem is the laptop doesn't have a "real" home. It's a company laptop, and I don't use it at home. I have a tendancy to forget it when I'm leaving and have to go back into the house to get it. I don't know why I can forget it. lol But there is a lot going on in the morning. I get up early to nurse DD before I go and pump, then get the pump gear together to go to work. The latptop is generally last on my list of important things to remember to do. lol So I try to keep it with my pump or purse or something.

The laptop was in the place where DH told me to put it before... so I was only doing what he had requested earlier. He has a tendancy to change his mind a lot and then reacts badly when I didn't read it.

And yeah, I jumped around a lot in my post... There have been a lot of bad days and it all came in a jumbled vent. DH has a tendancy to yell at me almost everyday anymore.

He pretty much never has to pick up after me... but I am always cleaning up after him no matter how many times I ask him/tell him how much it bothers me. He leaves his dirty socks on the couch everyday after work... I run the dishwasher before I leave for work, and he never has even attempted to put the dishes away in the morning. All dishes he uses before he goes to work in the afternoon he just piles in the sink without even rinsing them.

When I come home from work, generally the first half hour is spent just cleaning up after whatever mess my DH has left behind. This has left me feeling really resentful. He gets to spend all morning with DD without a thought to doing anything else. I come home after working all day and have to clean up after him and get ready for the next day and that all takes away from my time with DD and it's not fair. Or if DD wants to nurse all night, then nothing else gets done, and he doesn't even attempt to help with it the next day, so everything piles up... usually til the weekend where I try to knock it out in between nursing DD. Like the laundry, I even have it folded in a basket... DH could have attempted to put it away, but nope, it still sits in the basket.

Then he has the nerve to yell at me saying I took the week off! I try to tell him that DD wanted to nurse and I was nursing, and he sort of scoffs and says what an excuse and that I'm spoiling her, etc.

We are set for a couples therapy session in a week.... and I really hope it helps. Right now I'm sort of at my wits end.

 

[AngieB]

I notice that you have a very new baby. The first year of all 4 of my childrens lives was very stressful for dh and I. We fought more, were always tired....It's just really really hard with a new baby. You have to re-learn how to live together as a family with a new addition to it.