[transformed]

I hate being a SAHM. I suck at it. If it were a real job, I would have been fired a million times.

I made a commitment to my children to be home with them and now I just want to quit most of the time.

The thing is, I am not exactly a career woman either. I started SAHMing at 21. I didnt have a career path, an education, or anything.

I am struggling with being a grass is always greener person all the time. We do it with where we live. We have moved so many times.

I am always struggling with being an abuser like my mom was. I have done so many things to attempt to fix it but I am still broken. AP was a long strech for me, mabye even too much so. I am not abusing my kids yet, (Not that I havent sliped and said something really hurtful, or swatted at their butts-but its not consistant yet.)

I wonder if I need to start preparing to go back to work. I dont like working either, but its better than feeling miserable around my home! I hate-that I dont enjoy this job. Ii thought it was supposed to be fulfilling.

I feel broken.

:

How do I figure this out? Its really heavy on my heart.

 

[Verity]

I am going through some of the same struggles. I don't know that I was ever good at being a SAHM in the "housewife" sense--I hate to cook, don't get into organizing, don't sew or garden. I think what matters most to your children is not that you are something out of Family Fun magazine, doing all sorts of creative stuff with them, but that you are there. You can't be the perfect mother all the time, and you shouldn't put that kind of pressure on yourself just because you have chosen to be a SAHM. We all lose our temper and have bad days.

All that said, I did reach a point, when my kids were all in school, that I just didn't enjoy being home all the time. (The fact that my dh works from home and I feel watched all the time doesn't help at all.) If you are not truly happy SAHMing, it's time to pursue a hobby and/or a job. If full-time work seems intimidating at this point, or too much of a lifestyle change for your family (I feel that way right now, and I'm trying to work out a part-time and/or telecommuting situation--not easy when I've been out of the work force for so long), what about part-time work?

 

[transformed]

Something I need to consider is *if* I get a job, PT or FT, will it just ADD to my responsibilitys? Or will dh take over some of them? Neither of us are good at cleaning/housework stuff. He likes to tell me he will help me, but then he doesnt. (I think he forgets-I dont think he just doesnt do it.)

I am already overwhelmed by the amount of work it takes-and something that haas to be considered is "Do I want to add another job?"

I did work PT for a few months at the beginning of the year and it was totally overwhelming-but I also enjoyed it. It just created so much extra work for me-I had to clean up after dh when I got home. He would be an even suckier SAHD than I am! (And he admits it.)

I feel like I need to be the Family Magazine mom. I am NEVER that mom. I am having a bad 6 months. LOL

 

[Verity]

Quote:

Originally Posted by transformed I am already overwhelmed by the amount of work it takes-and something that haas to be considered is "Do I want to add another job?"

This is one of the reasons I haven't pursued full-time work. I can't even imagine how I would get everything done around the house. I could only hope that my dh would pitch in, but there's no way to know.

I did work part-time last year, but the job (assistant teacher in a 2-year-old preschool class) was so draining that I spent a lot of time decompressing and didn't get much done. I think it would be different if you have a part-time job that isn't so draining.

I will say that I felt completely overwhelmed when I was pregnant with my second child, so I know how that feels. More hugs!

I understand that you want to be home with your kids, and I felt the same way. I couldn't see having others care for them when it was financially feasible to do it myself. On the other hand, it is a hard choice because our society validates only jobs that are rewarded with a paycheck.

 

[MamaWindmill]

If you want to stop the cycle of abuse, you have to be honest about it. You're not "swatting" them, you're hitting them. If you can't stop yourself from abusing your children, then you need to get help immediately. It's not fair that they should suffer while you try and figure things out. If you need to go to counseling, if you need to be out of the house for a while -whatever it takes, do it. Don't let it go on another day, it is not okay.

 

[transformed]

Quote:

Originally Posted by MamaWindmill I gave a few options. The important thing is that you need to deal with this, now. I guess I wasn't suggesting you go on vacation; I was suggesting you stop hitting your kids.

That is ideal. I am already getting counseling. I do not have the luxury of getting out of the house.

I do my best on a daily basis. I do not hit on a daily basis.

 

[MamaWindmill]

Quote:

Originally Posted by transformed That is ideal. I am already getting counseling. I do not have the luxury of getting out of the house. I do my best on a daily basis. I do not hit on a daily basis.

What would you have wanted someone to say to your mother about her behavior when you were little? Your mother may have been "worse" than you, but think about it - if your mother had someone who was willing to be blunt about the truth, wouldn't you have wanted them to do it?

I really think you should get a P/T job somewhere you enjoy - a book store, knitting shop, whatever. Staying at home is great, but if you feel like you're falling to pieces, it's not good for you or the kids.

 

[A&A]

1) Read the book Unconditional Parenting. It's very important.

2) Perhaps a part-time job would be an ideal situation for you. Work a few hours in the evenings or weekends when your dh can watch the kids. You'll feel better about yourself.

 

[transformed]

Do you think I can get a job being 7 months pregnant? I am not sure anyone would hire me.

My mom still thinks she was a good parent.

I told her all the time that she was abusive.

funny that I bothered.

I am not in denial in the least about what is going on. I know the potential. Which is why I do my best to educate myself on "better ways." I still have to cope with the anger I feel all the time though.

I am doing the best I can right now.

I feel like its important for me to take a long look at the situation before I run out and get a job. (That may very well overwhelm me MORE, and not less)

 

[MamaWindmill]

Quote:

Originally Posted by transformed Do you think I can get a job being 7 months pregnant? I am not sure anyone would hire me. My mom still thinks she was a good parent. I told her all the time that she was abusive. funny that I bothered. I am not in denial in the least about what is going on. I know the potential. Which is why I do my best to educate myself on "better ways." I still have to cope with the anger I feel all the time though. I am doing the best I can right now. I feel like its important for me to take a long look at the situation before I run out and get a job. (That may very well overwhelm me MORE, and not less)

Can you afford maybe a few hours a week of care with a good care provider? Maybe volunteer for something for a while, like at the library or somewhere similar. You have to take care of you, too.

I understand feeling anger all the time, I deal with it too.

 

[transformed]

I am taking steps. I just signed my ds up for preschool which he starts monday, and I am considering placing my 2 yr old there mabye for a few hours one day a week. (I plan to see how it goes with just ds first, and then if I need more-I'll consider dd going for a little bit.)

Is it possible to heal?

It really sucks becausse I wanted to homeschool. And here I am sticking my kid in public preschool. LOL. But I know I need it, and he needs it. Our family needs me to be mentally stable.

I am taking steps.

 

[aprildawn]

Transformed - If I remember correctly, I've seen from other posts of yours that you are a christian. Your statement, that you are broken, made me think of a great teaching I listened to a few years ago from a pastor of a church I listen to online. It's about the broken state of all of us, and how God wants to fix it, and he can fix it. If you want to listen I can email you the mp3. It's a pretty big file.

Your problem is something I pray about for myself. I ask God to help me a lot. "The grass is greener" issue is rooted in a lack of contentment. God wants us to learn to be content in any situation (Phil 4:11-13). Once I find myself more content, I am more productive in housework, I'm more patient and kind to my kids, I'm a better wife to my husband, and a better friend to those close to me. I don't "spin my wheels" as much - spending energy thinking about where I want to be but not getting there.

I hope that helps you some. I can't say I know exactly how you feel, but I can relate to it somewhat.

I understand your dilemma about getting a job. I'm currently working from home and I love it. In the past I've worked part time in an office. I did find myself stretched thin. At the same time, I enjoyed being around adults, not being constantly interrupted, getting out of the house, etc. Everyone is different. Only you will know whether a job is part of the answer for you. But I don't think a job will solve the problem unless you address the root issues you mention of brokenness and a lack of contentment.

 

[Verity]

transformed, I would not ever feel guilty for putting your kids in preschool if you need a break and cannot it get it otherwise. I wouldn't feel guilty about it in any event. Preschool and school in general are not in favor here at MDC, but know that many moms use them, and many are happy with them, and many kids love going. I think it's a good thing for a child to learn to interact with other adults and children, and preschool is one way of providing that situation for your kids. One reason I worked at a preschool for very little pay is that I felt it was a way of giving much-needed breaks to other SAHMs.

I think we fall into a trap sometimes of wanting to be some sort of ideal, crunchy mom (homeschooling, home birthing, etc.), and those things just don't work for all of us.

 

[transformed]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Verity transformed, I would not ever feel guilty for putting your kids in preschool if you need a break and cannot it get it otherwise. I wouldn't feel guilty about it in any event. Preschool and school in general are not in favor here at MDC, but know that many moms use them, and many are happy with them, and many kids love going. I think it's a good thing for a child to learn to interact with other adults and children, and preschool is one way of providing that situation for your kids. One reason I worked at a preschool for very little pay is that I felt it was a way of giving much-needed breaks to other SAHMs. I think we fall into a trap sometimes of wanting to be some sort of ideal, crunchy mom (homeschooling, home birthing, etc.), and those things just don't work for all of us.

I shouldnt have read Gatto because now I think that all institutional schools are evil.

ummm...I think the key to me being content is meditating or praying. But I cant seem to find the quiet to do it. I also drive myself insane when its quiet. I have a hard time just "being."

I really do think that daily meditation would be great. I just have to figureout how to accomplish it with no self discipline!

Hitting sucks, I am never going to condone it. But I do feel like a bit of a hypocryte when I am anti spanking and yet, I slip about once every 2 weeks.

 

[MamaWindmill]

Quote:

Originally Posted by transformed ummm...I think the key to me being content is meditating or praying. But I cant seem to find the quiet to do it. I also drive myself insane when its quiet. I have a hard time just "being."

I'm like this. I need constant information. You really don't have to feel guilty about putting the kids in school; and you should make your own sanity just as big a priority as everyone else's happiness.

 

[*jeanine*]

if you get a job, could you use the money you make to hire a housekeeper? that might help you feel less overwhelmed.

 

[aprildawn]

Quote:

Originally Posted by transformed ummm...I think the key to me being content is meditating or praying. But I cant seem to find the quiet to do it. I also drive myself insane when its quiet. I have a hard time just "being." I really do think that daily meditation would be great. I just have to figureout how to accomplish it with no self discipline!

I try to beat my kids out of bed in the morning. By that I mean I try to get up before they do, not that I beat them until they get out of bed!

Dunno, I thought the Verity/MWM conversation on this thread needed some levity.

Anyway, I try to wake up before they do. My ability to pray/meditate and be still and quiet is severely lacking. I use this book
It's also on this website.

It helps me get ready emotionally and spiritually for the day. Right now I just do the morning prayer, but sometimes I do noonday prayer, too.

 

[transformed]

I am going to get Eat Pray Love today, the woman on oprah yesterday who wrote it went through the same journey I feel that I am just beginning to go through.

Part of the whole thing is that I never developed myself as a whole person before I got married, had kids. Now i have some catching up to do!

I also never healed from abuse. I actually have no idea what that means. I just know it needss to happen. Or I am going to repeat the pattern and I am already starting to see it in me and its super scary.

 

[Oh the Irony]

I highly, highly recommend the book Forgiving the Unforgivable: Overcoming the Bitter Legacy of Intimate Wounds by Beverly Flanigan.

It is a great, and highly practical book that can help you heal.

Then I would recommend The Mindful Way through Depression: Freeing Yourself from Chronic Unhappiness by Mark Williams, John Teasdale, Zindel Segal and Jon Kabat-Zinn.

Really shows how mood is shaped by past patterns of thought and experience and how we can change those patterns with mindfullness. Again, a very practical book.

Best wishes to you on your journey.

 

[aprildawn]

Quote:

Originally Posted by transformed Part of the whole thing is that I never developed myself as a whole person before I got married, had kids. Now i have some catching up to do!

I think it's great that you're doing this. It seems most people don't pursue wholeness at all. They just suppress their brokenness, though it does come out. Your mother is a great example.

I'm gonna harp on the teaching I mentioned because is soooooo good. It's from Rob Bell out of Mars Hill in Grand Rapids, MI. I don't think it's online anymore, though. It's from a few years ago. It's all about pursuing wholeness. Maybe you're not much of a listener, though. I like to listen on my mp3 player while I pick up around the house, or when I go out on a walk.