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Discussion Starter #1
what do i say?<br><br>
she is four months pregnant and i didn't even know it although we chat on fb every couple days(we both recently to different parts of the country from where we were neighbors).<br><br>
I guessed it from an offhand comment she made and pm-ed her. I gushed congratulations and although i said i knew they weren't planning anything like this, i knew it would be wonderful.<br><br>
Well, she accepted my congrats and we chatted about how she knew there some decisions she felt she couldn't make- she was going to have a cesarean and bottle feed because that was what she needed to do. I told her she needed to make the best decisions for her family.<br><br>
but tonight she and i 'talked' and she told me she wanted an abortion, but didn't b/c of her husband, and that she tried to convince her husband to put the baby up for adoption. Since he wouldn't, she is talking about leaving once the baby is born and paying child support, and that maybe when the child is older, she can interact with them. I encouraged her to go back to a counselor (she told me she saw one when she found out she was pregnant). Its obvious though that she is struggling. i wish i could help/support her- i think she would be a great parent- if she could believe in herself/allow herself to be one, but i don't want to be pushy and make things worse.
 

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oh boy. that's an awful lot, as a friend, to process. it sounds like your friend desperately needs help, and i hope she is getting enough.<br><br>
i have no words of wisdom. i'm sorry that you are faced with this. your friend is lucky to have someone who cares. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug">s
 

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I think she needs hugs and supports and respect if she doesn't want to be a mom. There are women that are not meant to be mothers and their feelings should be respected.<br><br>
Don't tell her that she will change her mind when the baby is born. Support her and let her know many women do change their mind at birth. Remind her many women back out of adoption for this reason.<br><br>
Support the fact that she has a guy that wants and already loves this kid. This is awesome. Maybe give her information so he can get WIC, Day Care aid, et. These things can be hard if you are not biological mom to get.<br><br>
Help her understand that if she chooses to leave, that is ok. It really isn't any different than giving a child up for adoption. Make sure she understands why they need paperwork in order. His name on the birth certificate. Them setting up child support and starting it right away.<br><br>
Depending on her state, if she delays child support or doesn't pay through the state any money she gives can be declared just a gift. She could end up owing months, years in back child support even if she pays and has check stubs. So that will protect her.<br><br>
If she just runs off, she will make it harder to comeback later if she decides to do that.
 

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It sounds like she could have been an abused child, one counseling session clearly isn't enough if she is seriously considering abandoning her child at birth.
 

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Arduinna..just because she doesn't want the child doesn't mean she MUST have been abused as a child.<br><br>
I respect her for making the decision now rather than not dealing with it and possibly ruining her and her child's life. If she is not able to parent, she shouldn't.<br><br>
rani
 

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If you reread my post, I never said she MUST have been abused as a child, that was your post. What I said was she could have, hardly the same thing.
 

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<table border="0" cellpadding="6" cellspacing="0" width="99%"><tr><td class="alt2" style="border:1px inset;">
<div>Originally Posted by <strong>Arduinna</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/15402303"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">It sounds like she could have been an abused child, one counseling session clearly isn't enough if she is seriously considering abandoning her child at birth.</div>
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I agree with this. Maybe not necessarily abused but I would say she has got something going on that she needs counseling to address.<br><br>
I hope she can come to peace with things somehow.
 

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<div style="margin:20px;margin-top:5px;">
<div class="smallfont" style="margin-bottom:2px;">Quote:</div>
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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>Marsupialmom</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/15402290"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">I think she needs hugs and supports and respect if she doesn't want to be a mom. There are women that are not meant to be mothers and their feelings should be respected.<br><br>
Don't tell her that she will change her mind when the baby is born. Support her and let her know many women do change their mind at birth. Remind her many women back out of adoption for this reason.<br><br>
Support the fact that she has a guy that wants and already loves this kid. This is awesome. Maybe give her information so he can get WIC, Day Care aid, et. These things can be hard if you are not biological mom to get.<br><br>
Help her understand that if she chooses to leave, that is ok. It really isn't any different than giving a child up for adoption. Make sure she understands why they need paperwork in order. His name on the birth certificate. Them setting up child support and starting it right away.<br><br>
Depending on her state, if she delays child support or doesn't pay through the state any money she gives can be declared just a gift. She could end up owing months, years in back child support even if she pays and has check stubs. So that will protect her.<br><br>
If she just runs off, she will make it harder to comeback later if she decides to do that.</div>
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</tr></table></div>
I think this is very good advice.<br><br>
I have a dear friend who broke down in tears every day, many times a day for the first trimester because she didn't want the child she was carrying, she didn't want to be a mother. So sad, she has a really good husband but her childhood was so damaging, she just couldn't process that she could be a decent mother. (her mother must be the poster girl for Toxic Mother of the Year. Thankfully things did turn around for her and she went on to have several more children so maybe there is hope for your friend.)<br><br>
Is there someway you can gently guide her towards examining why she feels the way she does? Preferably with continued professional help.<br><br>
I realize parenthood doesn't come naturally to everyone (it didn't to DH and I) and it can be a road paved with intense feelings but her feelings and proposed actions go way beyond being scared/uncertain about the future.
 

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Just to agree with some of the above: it sounds as though she could use a counselor, possibly an attorney to advise her, and a friend who isn't going to try to tell her she should be feeling other than what she feels.
 

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Discussion Starter #11
Thanks wise ones.<br><br>
I have been trying to be non-judgmental. its been hard, because she knows it took my husband and i 6 years to have a child. if her husband didn't want this child, i have to admit, i would have said we would take him or her in a heartbeat. I do want to respect her right to not parent, if she doesn't feel it is the best choice, but i also am 'hearing' a lot of self talk that is just not in sync with reality- for example, she spent time with me and my son before we both moved, and at the time, sometimes she said she wanted one or two, sometimes she would say she didn't want any. She also was interactive, if a little tentative and seemed to enjoy herself with my son. Now she says she never wanted children and that she freaks out when they are around because she has no idea what to do. This is one of the reasons i am going ot continue to encourage her to see a therapist. She said she had an PB appt today and i told her that they should be able to refer her for insurance purposes- since that was a concern.<br><br>
I am also going to let her know some of the legal things she will need to think about- i know she loves her husband- and they seemed to have a decent relationship- not perfect, but whose is? it might be good for her to think about this in reality terms. Her husband is in a post doc, so financially- especially if he needed to find daycare, i think things could be on the edge for him if she decided she has to leave.<br><br>
Finally, as for possible abuse in her past- i actually asked her that last night, because it definitely occurred to me (and i have a close friend i was going to have her talk to) and she said 'no, not that i know of or anything'. I do know her mom is in a vegatative state and that she has a lot of sadness and loss around that- it has been hard on her and her family.<br><br>
my ears are still open if you think of anything else.
 
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