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Ugh. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/irked.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="irked">:<br><br>
So last winter, DSD started asking about taking dance lessons. I was *really* excited, because I have danced for most of my life. We told her that this fall, when she starts "big kids' school," she could also take dance lessons.<br><br>
DF mentioned it to BM at one of their parent-parent meetings. She said that maybe she's think about looking into community ed, or something. Didn't seem all that interested. Promptly forgot about it.<br><br>
DF asked me to look into it, since I know quite a bit about the subject, and he knows zero. I found a reputable school (the owner has been teaching dance for 30 years) and went down their to talk with the owner. I enrolled DSD. When the adult class starts, I will be taking that one. Last week, we took DSD down there so she could have a little look-see before starting classes. We bought her a little leotard with a skirt. So cute.<br><br>
DF mentions to BM yesterday, at another parent-parent meeting, that we signed her up. He tells her that he is planning on going to every lesson, it is up to her if she wants to attend or not. If she doesn't, we'll pick up DSD and bring her on the weeks that BM has her. She is cool with that. We are paying for the whole thing.<br><br>
So today, BM went out and bought DSD tap shoes. Without even talking to us! When I talked to the owner, she wanted the girls to have a specific kind of tap and ballet shoe. She told me explicitly not to buy them at Payless, gave me all of the reasons. Well, guess where BM bought them? <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/duh.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="duh"> DF tried to explain to her the school's procedure for fitting the dancers with shoes, and she got all mad.<br><br>
This happens every time we try to do something nice for DSD that BM doesn't feel involved enough in. Not that we didn't give her the opportunity to be involved from the start. It is probably also partly because she knows that I must have done a good deal of the legwork on this one. I was just so excited that DSD was interested in something that I am interested in. I thought it would be a neat bonding thing.<br><br>
BM is just not that kind of mother. She doesn't get excited about things like activities, or buying school supplies. I love doing all of that stuff. Maybe she's over it, because she's been a mom for so many years, and I am new to it, so I this sort of thing fun. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/shrug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="shrug"><br><br>
Now this cool thing that DSD was going to do is an "issue." <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/greensad.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="greensad"><br><br>
Oh, and for anyone who has been following the "move to Greece" saga, here's an update. I hope the whole thing doesn't fall through but apparently there could be a snag. The convict is trying to get his record expunged (bank robbery), otherwise getting a visa could be a problem. And, as I suspected, they can't move for two years because he is still on probation.<br><br>
Oh, it's all drama all of the time at the Ranchero.
 

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I can understand being a little irked at the BM. I can also maybe empathize a little with her too. She might be feeling a little guilty about not having more to do with this cool new thing for DSD, and this is her way of at least having a small "part" to play? Dunno....BM's (as I stated before in my previous thread) sometimes have ulterior motives and since I've been subject to them myself on a few occasions, I tend to not give the benefit of the doubt as often as I should. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/shrug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="shrug"><br><br>
That's really nice of you to take the reins with DSD with the dance classes. You will probably get some great bonding time with her, having this common interest and all. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/smile.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="smile"><br><br>
-Kim
 

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I realize it's not really about the tap shoes <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/winky.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="Wink"> But I'd try to take the purchase of them as a sign that she wants to be invoved in some way and support her daughter in her interest. Keep the payless tap shoes and just buy the pair that the school recommends. BM probably won't even notice and since DH will probably be taking her to most of the classes it likely won't be an issue anyway. That's what I'd do if ex or wife took the time to actually buy dd any equipment for an activity. Some things just should be shrugged off and assuming the gesture was made with good intentions is never a bad idea.
 

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I haven't ever had a dance teacher tell me not to buy tap shoes at payless, if I found out after I'd bought them I could be irked, I think the payless tap shoes will be good for practicing at home in, or to take to the other house for practicing in. I don't think I'd pass along the message that mom bought the wrong shoes. Maybe she won't find out, just get the proper ones to send to class.
 

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Discussion Starter · #5 ·
Right now our plan is for us to just purchase the shoes that the school recommends, and let BM decide what to do with the payless shoes. The reason I was annoyed by the whole thing was that she didn't even <i>discuss</i> buying shoes with us before she did it, then got mad at DF when he told her that she bought the wrong kind. I've known for well over a month that DSD was supposed to have a specific type of shoe, and I would have been more than happy to pass that info along, had BM inquired.<br><br>
I think she just feels left out. When I first talked to the director of the school, and inquired about the adult classes, I told DF that he should ask BM if she was interested in taking that as well. I thought that might make her feel more involved. But DF is hesitant to tell her about the adult class, because the director kept referring it to the "moms' class" when I was talking with her (The class is set up with moms in mind - it is after dinner and after young children's bedtimes).<br><br>
So even though it would be logical for me to take a dance class geared at moms (I *am* a mom), he was afraid that BM would get offended that I was taking it (I'm not DSD's mom). She has gotten upset that I took DSD to mother's groups before (along with DS, just so she could have fun playing with other kids - it's not like I was going around telling them all that she is my bio daughter or something like that). She also was offended that we took a family picture together, because "I'm not DSD's mom." So what, we are supposed to leave DSD out of every family picture we ever take? Yeah, that won't cause any long-term emotional damage. Not to mention, when DF was her bf, he took family pictures with her and her other two daughters, who have different fathers than him. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/img/vbsmilies/smilies/dizzy.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="Dizzy">:<br><br>
But, in order to try and restore peace, I had DF ask BM if she wanted to take a wedding invitation class with me. Since we are both getting married, I thought she might be interested. I wish she would understand that I am not trying to replace her, but at that same time I would like to be able to do fun things with DSD, as she lives in the same house as I half of the time.
 

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I've read many of your posts and I want to say that you are clearly a very caring, concerned, and involved stepmom <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/love.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="love"> You always are trying to find a nice middle ground with you and dsd's mom so that your dsd can be happy.<br><br>
But in this case, if your dsd needed specific gear for an activity, you should have told mom when you told her you were signing her up for the class. If you turned the situation around- the other parent may not have thought to ask if there was a specific brand or style of gear. My son started football this year and he had to buy a certain brand and color cleat. He had to have a specific color sock (who would've thought he'd have to have black socks for football??). If I were not directly involved I would never have known that. How could I expect someone else to know or even that they had to ask? Cleats are cleats in my opinion. If they are football cleats, then they should be fine.<br><br>
When I tell dd's dad about dd's activities or needs- her glasses come to mind here- he had no idea that she needed a certain brand of glasses. He wanted to get glasses made at his optomotrist (who did not carry that brand), and probably would have, if I had not specifically told him that she needed *specific brand* when I found out and told him she had to get corrective lenses.
 

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If you want to take the class, you should <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/smile.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="smile">
 

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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>pinksprklybarefoot</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/9009917"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">The reason I was annoyed by the whole thing was that she didn't even <i>discuss</i> buying shoes with us before she did it</div>
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Uuuummmm..... Did Dad discuss it with Mom before actually signing the kiddo up? (And I don't mean mentioning it her at some point - actually told her that he was going to enroll her in a class at XYZ school, starting on Date ABC.)<br><br>
I agree that if it was that critical for the child to have specific shoes, that should have been communicated to Mom regardless of her asking.
 

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Discussion Starter · #9 ·
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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>mtiger</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/9014221"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">Uuuummmm..... Did Dad discuss it with Mom before actually signing the kiddo up? (And I don't mean mentioning it her at some point - actually told her that he was going to enroll her in a class at XYZ school, starting on Date ABC.)</div>
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Yup. With the exception of the date (We didn't know the date yet, either). He also told her that we would cover all costs associated with it.
 

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Discussion Starter · #10 ·
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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>sunflowers</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/9010276"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">But in this case, if your dsd needed specific gear for an activity, you should have told mom when you told her you were signing her up for the class.</div>
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Since he told her that we would cover the costs associated with the class, neither of us expected her to purchase gear for it.
 

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<div style="margin:20px;margin-top:5px;">
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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>pinksprklybarefoot</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/9014710"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">Since he told her that we would cover the costs associated with the class, neither of us expected her to purchase gear for it.</div>
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I agree with you here, pinksprklybarefoot. I guess we all have our personal interpretations, but if my dd's dad and his GF would have told me they would cover the costs, I would have expected they would get the shoes or outfit, and probably wouldn't have gotten involved. We are actually in a very similiar situation because GF is a ballet dancer, and my daughter is OBSESSED with ballet. GF took the reigns with dd's ballet school (and I was fine with that) because she is the expert in the area. If I was trying to be helpful, I would have asked GF what I needed to get for the class before making a purchase.
 
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