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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
My friend died yesterday. The funeral is this coming Sunday. I am also in labor right now, and assuming this baby is born today, he will only be 3 days old the day of the funeral. I really want to go to say goodbye and to show my support and love for her daughter and the rest of the family, but I'm worried that my baby would become and attention grabber. Our whole church family will likely be there, and since I'm a one of the pastor's wife I fear that people will be oggling over me and the baby too much for a funeral. I will feel terrible if I don't go though. The deceased has been a wonderful friend to us. She just gave us her car when ours was written-off in an accident last month, and when we had no place to live for a week and half she invited us to stay with her as long as we needed and she has just been such a wonderful blessing to me and my family. But is it a stupid idea to take a newborn to a funeral assuming I am not too worn out to go? I can't leave the baby with anyone....
 

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why cant you leave the baby with someone? You wouldnt be gone too long it would only be a few hours and a 3 day old baby would just be sleeping anyways.
 

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Call her daughter and ask. Or better yet, pay her daughter a private visit. I personally wouldn't want to take a newborn to a funeral, for much the reasons you've stated (nor could I leave mine alone; at that stage they were nursing every 30 minutes!), but I understand where you are coming from. Really, though, no reasonable person would expect you to attend a funeral--with or without the baby--so soon postpartum.

My sympathies on the loss.
 

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Could you just tuck the baby in a sling? If he/she is curled up in there, nobody should see. Honestly, it's up to everyone else to have the tact not to oogle your baby at a funeral... You shouldn't have to leave your baby or miss the funeral because other people feel the need to oogle. Maybe stay a couple minutes after the funeral luncheon and give people the chance to get it out of their system--after all, the newborn may be a ray of sunshine to the other people on a very sad day....
 

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Can you bring someone who will stay in the car with the baby and if the baby needs you, can get a hold of you by cell or some other way. We had a death in the family when my kids were not able to be left at home so my DH came and stayed with the sleeping kids in the car and we took turns going into the funeral home.

Doreen
 

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This is a tough one! I'm sorry for your loss.

Do you feel that you need to go the the funeral out of respect for the deceased and her family, or because you need to go for yourself to say goodbye? Because that would affect my answer of whether I think you should go or not. If you need to go for you I think you should go. However, if you don't, I don't think that anybody would reasonable expect you to be there and I'd just stay home, and send a note or flowers and perhaps pay a condolence call when you are feeling up to it.

I would be more worried about the baby and you than about the baby taking attention. I don't think that the baby getting attention is necessarily a bad thing either. In the presence of death, a new baby is very life affirming, a reminder that both birth and death are part of the cycle of life and that is very healing for those who are in grief. My dad was in a very serious plane crash and was severely burned a week before I gave birth, and so the whole time I was about to have the baby and right after I had her we didn't know if he was going to make it, but it looked doubtful. Everybody (my other immediate and extended family members) had been happy and excited about the impending baby before already, but during that time it took on a different urgency and it was like she was sort of a ray of hope and joy for everyone in an otherwise awful time. (BTW my dad survived and is recovering well.) Which isn't the same situation, but just to say that the energy people will be directing will likely have a different quality in light of the situation.

I might just go, sit in the back, pay my respects and leave quickly. Or is there something other than the funeral that you could do, like going to the house briefly after? In the Jewish tradition people sit shiva and go to the family's house for about a week after, is there something like that in your tradition that you could do? Keep in mind too that 3 days postpartum is a really hard time to be doing too much--your milk may be coming in, you may be engorged, your hormones will be shifting and you may be weepy or emotional as it is. The post birth high sort of wears off gradually and then you are sort of faced with the fact that you are really really tired and your nipples hurt! And for me, at 3 days I remember just holding my baby and sobbing and sobbing because I loved her so much and she was going to grow up and leave me someday and go to college and get married and have her own life, and I'd be old and alone and she wouldn't call.


Whatever you do, take good care of yourself!
 

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Quote:
Could you just tuck the baby in a sling? If he/she is curled up in there, nobody should see. Honestly, it's up to everyone else to have the tact not to oogle your baby at a funeral... You shouldn't have to leave your baby or miss the funeral because other people feel the need to oogle. Maybe stay a couple minutes after the funeral luncheon and give people the chance to get it out of their system--after all, the newborn may be a ray of sunshine to the other people on a very sad day....
I wholeheartedly agree with this.

Your friend would not have wanted you to feel torn over this issue, do what your heart/instincts tell you. I'm very sorry for your loss, and I wish you a safe and happy birth.
 

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Most funeral homes have side rooms or family rooms for the mourning family. Once the funeral starts, those rooms are typically empty. If you could, I would take baby with you (who might or might not be a sleeper at that age). Bring a friend who could hold the baby in the family room away from the crowds, but come get you if baby needs nursing. You'll only be a few days post-partum, too, so being out and about that much might not be so great for you, either. A quick visit will be much appreciated by the family.

Also, as a daughter who's mom passed recently, I would suggest not doing a personal visit with her daughter. At least not soon. The time around a funeral is exhausting, and it's good to have a little breathing time in the weeks after the funeral. If you are close with her, a friend, that's a different matter. Rather than doing a personal visit, and whether or not you're able to attend the funeral, I would suggest writing a card or letter telling her how much her mother's life and gifts meant to you. We treasured the cards people sent, and when they had a written story about Mom or something sweet to say about her, we all remembered the blessings and forgot (for a little while) the loss.

You're very kind to think of all this when you're so close to having a new baby.
 

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My grandmother passed away when my dd was 1 month old. The funeral was the first time many of my relatives saw her. I understand what you mean about taking the attention away from the funeral.
That said, I do not think us being there stopped anyone from grieving and saying good bye. People did come up and meet the baby and say happy things and laugh but people even in the midst of grieving need to do that. If anything, my dd was a reminder of cycle of life and the legacy people leave behind. I realize your relation to the deceased is different but I think you should still feel comfortable going. A funeral is gathering of those who knew the deceased, a time to share memories and grieve together. People should be welcome to come regardless of their current situation-babies or whatever. You are a friend, there to express your grief. I would go and not leave your newborn. You can always find a quiet room in the funeral home or church to nurse or calm or just take a break.
I'm sorry for your loss, especially at a time when your attention needs to be elsewhere.
 

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the newborn may be a ray of sunshine to the other people on a very sad day....
:
I agree. It is very thoughtful of you to even consider all these things. You poor thing! You've got a lot going on!
: Many blessings to you on your new baby and good luck with whatever you decide...
 

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I would go with the baby in a sling as pps have mentioned. I agree it is up to others not to make your baby the center of attention, but what a neat thing it would be to show the cycle of life, a passing and a new life. I think it would be beautiful.

Besides, at 3 days postpartum I don't think you will be there an extremely long time as you'll probably get a little tired.

Congratulations and prayers for you today as you birth your beautiful baby!!
 

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You have a right to send your friend off. Your baby has a right to be with you. (I cannot believe someone just told you to leave it for just a few hours at three days old!
)

The only question you need to ask yourself. How would your friend have felt? Would she have ever asked you to leave a three day old baby at home to attend her funeral? If not, then GO and hold your head high, AND it would be a blessing for those attending to be so close to new life while mourning. If however, you think she would not have wanted that, then your obligation is to stay at home wsith your baby. You can say goodbye to her soul ANYWHERE.
 

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Quote:

Originally Posted by -'-,-{-`-{@
You have a right to send your friend off. Your baby has a right to be with you. (I cannot believe someone just told you to leave it for just a few hours at three days old!
)
Many cultures believe that bringing a child under age 5 is the same as offering them to go with the deceased.
Just wanted to add some perspective.
 

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DD went to two funerals before three months. Both times in the sling, both times I knew the family well enough to know that THEY would want her to come. From an attention perspective, I wouldn't worry--any attention your newborn gets will be hope in the face of death. However, only you can know if you will feel up to it. I'd wait to decide until the day of, and then go if you feel up to it, but make sure your DH or whoever takes you knows your signal so that when it's time to go you can just leave quickly.
Wishing you a peaceful birth...
 

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Discussion Starter · #16 ·
Thank you all for your advice.
So....I did end up going to the funeral with my new babe. He is a very sleepy little guy (unlike my first baby) so it was easy to take him. He just slept and nursed the whole time. I am so glad that I went. It was good for me to say goodbye. I was very tired and quite emotional and unusually weepy so that was a little embarrasing - that I cried the whole way through the funeral. The only thing I didn't like was after the service people kept coming up to me and saying "Congratulations!" and it just seemed weird that I would be congratulated at a funeral. I didn't mind that people wanted to look at him and go goo-goo over him (he IS adorable) as the people turnout was HUGE - so I felt like I didn't stick out so much. I went to give the deceased daughter a hug after the service and she was so excited to see our new baby. She said to him, "You couldn't have been born at a better time." And so that is why I am really glad we went....that and I got to say bye.
 

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Quote:

Originally Posted by AllyRae
Could you just tuck the baby in a sling? If he/she is curled up in there, nobody should see. Honestly, it's up to everyone else to have the tact not to oogle your baby at a funeral... You shouldn't have to leave your baby or miss the funeral because other people feel the need to oogle. Maybe stay a couple minutes after the funeral luncheon and give people the chance to get it out of their system--after all, the newborn may be a ray of sunshine to the other people on a very sad day....
:

You decide if people hold the baby or not. If you don't want anybody holding, just make up something to tell people no. With the babe in the sling however, it makes it easy because people can see (kinda) and say aw cute and get a much needed smile on their face.

I would go and sling the babe. Remember you can always leave.
 

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went to give the deceased daughter a hug after the service and she was so excited to see our new baby. She said to him, "You couldn't have been born at a better time." And so that is why I am really glad we went....that and I got to say bye.
I'm glad you went. What the daughter said was very touching.
 

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I'm glad that you went and took your baby, and didn't listen to any silliness about leaving him with someone. I could hardly stand to leave my baby for 5 minutes to take a shower at that time! MDC is surely getting... weird... when you can see advice like that offered here.
 

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Quote:

Originally Posted by paquerette
I'm glad that you went and took your baby, and didn't listen to any silliness about leaving him with someone. I could hardly stand to leave my baby for 5 minutes to take a shower at that time! MDC is surely getting... weird... when you can see advice like that offered here.
:
 
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