adhd nephew living with impatient (her words) mil

I'm not sure if I have any advice, I just feel so sorry for your nephew! Even though you aren't sure if he truely has ADHD, does your area have an ADHD support group? I've facilitated one through our school district. Maybe just finding that others have some of the same issues with their children may help. Or MIL could maybe take some parenting classes (calling the boy names?! How awful!). I would do whatever you can to get more positive people around this child before perminant damage is done to his sense of self and wellbeing! It would be great if you could take him once a week and maybe at least one weekend a month? Would MIL be OK with signing your nephew up for Big Brother's? How about through the school district (assuming he's in public school) do they offer any support groups in school? My dd school had friendship groups and an ADHD group that she attended as well as a social worker/counselor that she talks with.

How long has MIL had custody of your nephew? I'm sure he didn't come from the best of environments, it will take time for him to be able to make changes.

Please do whatever you can to help this boy. I feel so sad for him.

He's been there for about 18+ months? She got him when he was starting Kindergarten (5yo & turned 6 in December) and now he's approaching the end of 1st grade (he's 7yo now)..I think it'll be 2 yrs in August. I feel so sorry for him to I mean, I see (SOME) of her POV as far as getting frustrated with him..because he DOES have some behavioral issues..BUT...I think they all stem from his past & his environment. I mean, who wouldn't have issues being called names all the time? I just feel so sorry for him and want to do SOMETHING for him..but mil isn't exactly the most easy-going, easy-to-talk-to person...so I'm kind of afraid to say something to her (because of what it would be insinuating to her)...BUT...I also don't want to NOT say anything because the poor kid hardly has a chance! I bought him an easter basket (and things to go in it) which I'm so glad for..because mil said that he could either a) get an easter basket or b) go to his papaw's (for the weekend, but he's coming back today)...he wanted both and she wouldn't allow it. Just seems kind of mean to me? Poor kid can't have the normal holiday stuff AND see his grandparents? I got his basket about 4 wks ago and mil knew about it...so...i'm not going around her back and getting it for him...and maybe that's why she saw what she offered as ok? I don't know. I just think she's mean and it's no wonder my dh is the way he is.

It sounds like his home life prior to moving in w/ your mil was less than ideal and it still sounds pretty sad. If biological mom used drugs while pregnant that may be part of his problem. Kids who are born to moms who abuse certain drugs can have lots of problems that don't really seem to fit any one diagnosis, so he may have some real problems that don't exactly fit ADHD, but are very real. If you live close to his school, you might try to schedule an appointment with the school counselor. Explaining to him/her what his home life is currently like might help them understand him a little better.

As far as he goes, it sounds like any positive contact that you have with him would be good. Even if you just took him and spent some time with him once a week it might be enough to help. Maybe start by asking to take him on a specific (picnic, movie, etc.) outing rather than just offering to babysit. It is harder to turn down an invitation to something specific than an offer to babysit.

Mil calling him names, discussing his intelligence within earshot, and telling him that it is all his fault is something that no child should have to live with. What she is doing is emotional abuse, but stopping something like that is going to be hard. The school counselor might have some suggestions on who should be contacted and the best way to go about it.

The easter basket thing was ridiculous unless money is just that tight. Asking him to choose between his grandparent and a gift is ridiculous. Kids find joy in little things like that - how sad that he had to make that choice. Did mil treat your dh that way when he was growing up? It almost sounds like she is looking for ways to punish him for simply needing extra help as any child who has come from difficult circumstances would.

As the mom of a child with behavior issues, I can say its very, very hard. I beleive in gentle discipline and being respectful and all other tenents of AP, and even I have snapped, said terrible things to DS and done things I am not proud of (hitting, yelling). DS has ASD and a lot of features of ADHD, btw.

So I can imagine that someone who is not mentally in the GD/AP mindframe would have an even harder time being gentle and respectful to a child who...jsut doesnt "get it", seems very deliberately willfull, fights, hits, or whatever she is dealing with. My friends like to tell me that if DS is lucky to have me, but I definitely dont feel like I am doing as good by him as I can.

But the first thing she needs to do is a get a good assessment of what is going on with the boy. I know some detest labels, but getting the label on DS really helped DH come to terms with teh fact that he could not help it, he was not doing things on purpose to annoy us, etc. Its like I read here once, if I child needed braces to walk, would you yell at them to hurry up and get frustrated because they were too slow? No with visible disabilities we tend to be much more patient. Neurological disabilities should be given patience too.

Anyway, I hope she gets him help. Go through the school distrcit, go through CPS or whoever she is granted guaridanship through, but try to get him help!

I don't even live with him and I can understand how frustrating it must be. I understand how even the best, most understanding parents/guardians can be stretched really thin...but gosh...i wish someone could've been there (outside of the situation) yesterday at the in-laws for Easter. I don't question his diagnosis of ADHD, but holy cow - no wonder he's got the behavioral problems he does! It seems that his family (all my in-laws, including dh) have carefully molded him into this angry, probably depressed, 7yo little person with no self esteem and no sense of self-worth.

If he doesn't do something right the first time...he gets angry and you can see he's ashamed - and it's no wonder, everyone makes fun of him! Then, he gets so angry all he wants to do is hit things or be violent (throwing things or hitting a toy with another toy, or - as in yesterday - swing a bat {foam} at someone)...that's what he's been taught though! He doesn't know how to process anger or frustration.

Among other reasons, I'm ready for a divorce from my dh because I don't want my children growing up in this environment! They're at very impressionable ages and this is when they're going to learn these things for life!

To explain 1 particular incident from yesterday - and I warn you this is long..

Everyone was in the backyard playing "baseball" - or some form of it...it was nephews turn to bat...he swung, missed...you could see in his face he got angry...fil starts making fun of him ("you couldn't hit the broadside of a barn" and other southern sayings that I didn't understand...something about hitting like "whitter woman"?) anyway...they just keep making fun of him..calling him names and making comments about how he can't hit the ball...time passes, other people get turns...dh is the 'catcher' and is saying the typical catcher things trying to get the batter to miss, etc..so it's nephews turn again...and dh is ragging him, but nothing more than he was saying to the others...and nephew had enough and hit dh in the leg with the bat..which was foam...not soft foam, but it wasn't hard like a wooden or aluminum bat...anyway...so i thought dh would react, but he did nothing..so nephew turns back around to face the pitcher..and dh side kicks nephew in the shoulder...hard enough to knock him off-kilter (but not hard enough to say..break anything).....this ANGERED me...among a lot of other things that make that completely wrong (um, abuse?)....dh is almost 25 yrs old....what kind of example is that setting for a 7yo?? Nephew should've been pulled aside and talked to...NOT KICKED....

Dh is completely to blame for not handling the situation properly...but I also think that his parents molded him too! I can see his mother in him so much it's scary. I do NOT want my children growing up like this!!

I would leave my SO if he ever laid a hand on a child in anger, and would not even think of reconciliation until he went through anger management and counseling. Hitting a child is a deal breaker for me. I can't tell you what to do in your situation, but this is very serious.

I am so sorry you have to go through this with him and his family. Your MIL does sound like she is abusive towards her grandson, and calling protective services may be the best option for him, but unfortunately I do not think they will do much for verbal abuse. I wish I could think of something more to help.