[dharmamama]

My oldest, who is 12, is in school. Her last day of school was a little over a week ago, and now she is home all day.

It's been a really hard week!

My two younger kids (5 and 4) and I have a rhythm and routine to our day, and my oldest doesn't seem to fit into it. She's not interested in being part of our reading times. She doesn't want to participate in our outside/water play times. She's not even awake when we do our morning chores, so then she is resentful that she has to do her chores "alone." (Not that she is alone, she's usually working in the same room I'm in, but she just sees it as the younger ones not doing chores while she is.) She's not awake when we eat breakfast, so then she's mad that she's eating alone.

I know that I can't blame her for not fitting into a rhythm that was created without her, but I also don't feel like I can just completely change the rhythm that my younger two depend on.

I know that, ideally, I need to adjust the rhythm to accommodate both Desta and the younger ones, but I am not sure how to do that. Things were so bad by the time I put Desta in school (9 1/2 months after she joined us) that I had to work very, very hard to get back into a workable and peaceful rhythm with the younger kids. I'm reluctant to mess with that, but I know that I can't just keep Desta on the outside.

Any ideas?

dm

 

[ikesmom]

Our age differences are always a conflict of interest in our house. We have a almost 13 yr old dd, a 10yr old dd, a 7 yr old ds, a almost 2 yr old ds. We have two tag alongs 5 and 7 yr old boys.

The oldest doesn't want to wake up early. She and the 10 yr old don't like the library children's shows anymore so I send them to the teen area. They don't take swim lessons with the others because they think they are to grown up. Even though there is a group of teen girls who hang around chat, read, and play with make-up at the pool. They don't like anything free....If it isn't Hilary Duff in concert and only a local band thats "lame". I am trying not to take it to heart. The little ones don't care to watch them dance hip hop 4 hours straight in a recital either lol.

I decided that I would give them the option to pick something they like to do and if we can do it I try to indulge. They seem to want everything expensive like the water park, movies, mall, ect so we will see how it goes

but they also have to go to somethings they don't particularly enjoy for the sake of the littler ones. If I hear complaining I only give them 5 warnings (I'm strict that way) and then they start loosing privileges.
I told them that if we are out and about and they help me get some Avon orders that they can pick something out for themselves. The girls also get to help plan the meal menu for dinner once a week and prepare it themselves. So this seems to let them think they are getting something out of it.
If they do their chores they get an amount of money at the end of the month to get what they want. New shorts, shoes, ect so they quit complaining about that.

 

[Thalia the Muse]

You're right that you shouldn't completely change the rhythm, but could you maybe tweak it a little? So that, for instance, when Desta gets up, you and the younger kids have a little snack break and sit down with her while she has breakfast? Family rhythms change over time as people get older, have different needs, with the seasons, etc., sort of naturally and inevitably, don't they?

I guess I would also look for special rituals with Desta, that make her and her preferences a focus of attention for you at predetermined times of the day or week. Things you know she would like to do with you (and with the younger kids, if that's possible -- maybe there's nothing all three could participate in, I don't know). That might help if she feels that everything has been arranged to exclude her.

Can you arrange standing "dates" for her to get together with a friend or friends her own age every week? I know she's not socially typical from some of your other posts, but is there anyone she'd like to see who would like to see her?