[aiea]

Hi,

I think I just need some perspective here. DD2 is only a week old and so it may be too soon to tell, but after DD1's infancy DD2 seems like she has no issues other than feed, sleep, diapers and playtime.

DD1 was extremely high needs... she was in-arms for well over a year most of the day and night. Major "colic" and BF issues.

At my babysitter's suggestion I put DD2 down on the bed this AM and (incredibly) she just looks around and waves her arms, perfectly content. From my former experience this kind of contentedness is abnormal!

So I wonder, what does your "easy baby" allow you to do? What can I relax about, like leaving her a few minutes in an infant seat... and how to not feel guilty about doing it after such a different experience?

 

[confustication]

I can completely relate. My daughter was VERY high needs, but my first, so I am not sure I really thought it was anything different.

When I had my son I was kind of in awe. I still am. He's 9 months old, and cntent to sit on the floor playing on his own while I do dishes, make dinner, read a book! It's so different. He loves his hugs and cuddles, but he's also ok without being held. Completely different world. Had the first been like this there may not have been a 7 year gap.

 

[XanaduMama]

This is our experience, too: ds was super high-needs, and still is much more demanding than dd, even though she's still a baby. They were like this from day 1, too. I do sometimes feel guilty that dd seems more neglected than ds, bc he needs me so much more, but I figure we just do the best we can...and enjoy the relief! (I feel bad for parents whose kids are born in the reverse order: easy first, then high-needs...)

The advice I have is just follow your baby's cues. If she's unhappy about something, wants to be picked up, etc etc...she'll let you know. Really--she will.

Congrats on your baby, btw!

 

[aiea]

Quote:

Originally Posted by XanaduMama ds was super high-needs, and still is much more demanding than dd, even though she's still a baby. The advice I have is just follow your baby's cues.

Thanks to you both. I am trying to assert myself a bit by letting her hang out next to me on the couch, or in a nearby infant seat, without feeling like I am plunking her down and abandoning her. SO hard to do but I should welcome the freedom of it... And I always half-thought those baby-holding devices were just for when parents got lazy! I guess they are if they are over-used.

XanaduMama do you think high needs as an infant necessarily means high needs for life? I wonder how you balance that so both are feeling the same care/love/attention...

 

[donutmolly]

I had a similar experience with DD1 and DD2. I honestly still feel guilty about DD2 getting less attention... but I was such a happier, less-stressed mama because I could put her down and she wouldn't cry. I wasn't even sure that babies really did that. I did try and use the sling/carrier a lot, because even if she was happy on the floor, I knew it was good for her to be with me too.

And as for high-needs DD1, she's almost 4 and has mellowed a lot. Her baby period was very intense, but we've loved the toddler and preschool stages. She is still very emotionally challenging and talks non-stop, but she also can entertain herself for a long time now. We do make extra efforts to give focused attention to DD2, since she doesn't generally demand it in the way DD1 still does; it takes some intentional planning and awareness, but seems to be working for us so far.

 

[mamazee]

I'm here too. Dd #2 sleeps through the night, and somehow I feel guilty, like she should be waking up every hour. After screaming for hours on end every night. It's just such a shock after #1.

 

[flowers]

This was us too and I can't tell you the relief and healing ds2 brought into our lives. Just a breath of fresh air and now I feel like we can all move on.

 

[Grendels Mama]

My DD is very laid back. I hope the new baby will be too!

 

[_betsy_]

DD1 - crazy active even in utero. At birth, so alert, intense and made eye contact - nurse whispers in my ear that she'llbe a lot of work, and a lot of joy, and "they aren't all like this."

DD2 - much more mellow in utero, much more mellow out. Even though she has reflux and recurring constipation issues, at 3 months, she's way more easy going, mellow, content and happy and smiley than DD1 ever was.

DD1's needs were often difficult to decipher. DD2 is far more transparent/easily recognizable/easily contented.

 

[savannah smiles]

Quote:

Originally Posted by flowers This was us too and I can't tell you the relief and healing ds2 brought into our lives. Just a breath of fresh air and now I feel like we can all move on.

This has been exactly the case for us!! With DD1, not only was she very hn, but I had a raging case of PPD. When DD2 came along, is was like a balm to my sore soul. DD1 is still a difficult kid while I'd say DD2 is more a typical kid (they're 7 and 3 now). When dd2 was little, it was easier to worry if I was ignoring her because she was ok with less but I had the mommy experience to "read" her cues very easily and could respond quickly!

One of the biggest benefits of having an easy baby has been that I actually feel like a good mom! With dd1, I was always feeling at loose ends and that nothing I did was enough which can really batter at one's self esteem.

 

[Smirkin]

I have an "easy" baby, and a friend (who's had both an "easy" and a high needs baby) commented on this fact to me when DD was barely a month old. I asked her what she meant, because DD was my only experience of a baby, and she said she meant that DD's needs were easily met.

I can put her down on her back to play with her hanging toys, and some days I can leave her there perfectly content for a good 30 min, and then she eventually falls asleep. I always feel guilty in those moments, like I'm leaving her to self-soothe just because she's so good at it, or that I'm neglecting her needs because she's shy or quiet about expressing them. But then I think about what my friend said, and I guess maybe that's just it - her needs are met. In those moments, it seems that she just wants to hang out and play with her toys, and if she doesn't, she will let me know, and I come running. I also do get guilt because she obviously does prefer it if I'm there, if I sit next to her while she's playing she gets all excited and smiley. But if I'm not there, she will get excited and smile at her toys too, so then I don't know.

So maybe that's how you can look at it with the two kids - your first child's needs require more of you physically, where maybe this babe's needs don't so much. So you're meeting both of their needs really.

It reminds me of this stupid analogy on the concept of fairness that I've heard in the context of education: Imagine a speaker addressing a large audience, and suddenly someone in the front row begins choking. The speaker yells for anyone who knows CPR to please come help the choking victim. A man stands up and says, "I know CPR, but I can't help." The speaker asks why not, and the man says, "Because if I administer CPR to him, I'd have to administer it to everybody or else it wouldn't be fair, and I just don't have the energy to be able to do that."

Obviously meant to illustrate that one person's needs are not equal to someone else's needs, and that some people may need things that others don't need (i.e., the choking victim needs CPR to be breathing, which would then place him on par with the rest of the crowd).

not sure if that helps.

 

[aiea]

Hi everyone,

Your responses do help. I think I will get to the point where I think of this baby as the "closure baby" since we expect her to be the last, and as a PP described, she does seem like a balm to my overly taxed psyche.

When DD1 was born, not only was she high needs but we had changed everything in our lives within the last 3 months - bought a new home in a different city, DH had a new job and I'd moved my business and had all new employees. Then I had an intense induced birth (pitocin start to finish), low milk supply and the day we came home from the hospital, the water heater broke. I remember my mom (who'd come to help) was screaming at me the 3rd day in (whole other story there!), and I had to send her home. It went downhill from there...

We were crazy to plan things that way (in hindsight) but I think some of the ease this time can be attributed to my assuring I do not repeat the past. I just feel so relieved that this baby's naturally able to help it be easy.

 

[Shelsi]

My first was an easy baby...let me tell you, going from super easy to high needs is REALLY rough when you're expecting to get sleep, alone time, etc.

Let's see my easy baby is now turning 5 yrs old next month and he's still easy. We had a slightly rough year when he was 3 but that was about it. 2 years old was awesome, he was so adorable and wonderful.

Anyways things to expect: he started sleeping through the night at 9 weeks old. I had to help him fall asleep (i.e. rock with him about 5 mins) and then he'd sleep about 10 hrs straight. He'd also take 2 good naps every day. He let everyone hold him. He went with anyone. When he got fussy the best way to make him happy was for us to go out to the mall or out to eat. He loved to just sit in his car seat at a restaurant and look around. He's always been really well mannered. He never really cried unless he hurt himself or something. He's great on car rides. We went on a 13 hr road trip when he was 3 years old and it wasn't until we'd driven an hour that we realized we'd forgotten to bring any toys for ds to keep him busy in the car. Didn't matter. We found an old pair of binoculars in the glove compartment and he was cool with those the entire trip. I could leave whenever I needed to for as long as I needed to and he was happy with dh or even a totally random babysitter watching him. He potty trained himself in one day (just woke up one day at 2 yrs old and said he'd rather go in the potty than have a diaper). Oh and he'd eat pretty much anything you put on his plate. He's not picky at all.

Enjoy your easy baby!

 

[nolonger]

I have one of those too. I thought it was normal to be sleep deprived to the point of almost hallucinating for the first year of your baby's life and then I had ds2.

I literally never missed a night of sleep. He latches on without either of us becoming fully awake. He had no nursing difficulties, no jaundice, no newborn "scare" issues at all following a four hour UC that was solo up until the last 20 minutes before I finished birthing him three weeks before my 43rd birthday after conceiving via DIY known donor insem in a Motel 6.

I was a SAHM/full time homeschooling single parent for seventeen years with my now adult and almost-adult children. I took a two week maternity leave with ds2 and was right back to working as a caregiver for a disabled senior citizen. With ds2 coming with me in the sling.

dd learned how to walk one day when she was 9 months old. She was constantly falling and getting hurt. I must have spent a fortune on devices that were supposed to pad the corners of the coffee table and DID NOT WORK. ds2 started learning how to fall safely without hurting himself long before he started crawling with his belly off the floor and is quite a master at it by now. He's almost fifteen months old and he can take a few steps by himself when he wants to, but he rarely does.

The other day he was making a scraping sound by rubbing a toy against my desk and I said, "Could you please stop making that noise? It's really bothering me." so he did.

Yes, kids like this really do exist.