[400570]

Here is a basic run-down.

We were selected to adopt a 4 year old boy. In his case file it disclosed that there was a 13 year old foster child along with another foster boy living in the home with the 4 year old. (he was 3 at the time of the allegations). The middle foster boy accused the 13 year old of doing things to him. The 4 year olds name was never mentioned. He lived in the home where the allegations were made for 4 months total. After the investigation, a forensic specialist evaluated the 4 year old and determined that nothing could be substantiated. He did not show signs of abuse, but that didn't mean it didn't happen either. At one point the abuser admitted to an investigator that he did do things to the 4 year old along the lines of sodomy- they still have no way to prove or disprove that it happened and suspected the abuser may be lying. The 4 year old has been around other children his age and has never shown signs of sexualized behaviors. He also seems to have appropriate relationships with adults. We do have a 4 year old biological son and want to make sure we are not being naive in protecting him. We also feel like there is very little risk that the 4 year old who was possibly abused would abuse himself based on the information we have been provided. We have 2 main concerns- 1 is our bio sons safety and 2 is not making a rash decision and denying a child a loving safe home just because something "might" have happened. I read that victims of sexual abuse in the foster care system essentially get victimized twice- one by the abuser and again by being labeled with the title of "sexually abused". Our bio son is very verbal. We have frequent discussions with him regarding privacy of his body parts and what to do should anyone try to touch them. Can I get some advice? Are we stupid to think that this 4 year old could really be as sweet and loving as everyone has described him, or are we putting our bio son at risk? We are feeling SO torn right now!!

 

[Arduinna]

I think that it's utterly depressing that anyone would consider rejecting a preschooler because he may have been a victim of abuse. On the other hand, this child deserves a home with parents that aren't going to look at him like he's a potential predator. So maybe you aren't the best home for him.

 

[400570]

I think that it's utterly depressing that anyone would consider rejecting a preschooler because he may have been a victim of abuse. On the other hand, this child deserves a home with parents that aren't going to look at him like he's a potential predator. So maybe you aren't the best home for him.

We are in no way "rejecting" him. We are doing research and weighing the risks. We already have a lot of love for this child, but we also want to be sure that we are keeping our biological son safe too. When adopting from foster care you get such limited info- we can only make decisions based upon the info we received in his case file and what we have been told verbally by his case workers and foster parents- which is that he is a wonderful child. Our concern is that we have heard stories time and time again where a child is brought into the home and sexual abuse may or may not have been disclosed- things seem great for a while, and then things start to fall apart. Also, we are in no way looking at him like a "potential predator" we just want to be aware and prepared- not turn a blind eye.

 

[zebra15]

Honestly- from what you just posted- adoption does not sound like the right thing for your family. As a survivor of abuse I would hate to think every time I went into someones house I was viewed as a potential source of source of unsafeness . Please keep in mind that you have no idea about the history of your 'biological' childs classmates, playmates, neighbors, friends etc. Those who you let into your house for a short amount of time may also have a traumatic history. Your babysitter could have suffered a rape, the plumber may have been a victim of childhood abuse.

All children have issues, all people have issues- even your own son.

 

[400570]

It honestly feels like I'm being scrutinized for wanting to be SAFE. And frankly we are not dealing with a neighbor or "the plummer" we are dealing with a 4 year old child who is not even close to the maturity level of those you described. My bio son has no issues outside of those that are age appropriate. We would in no way ever penalize or hold anything against the foster child. I think with any new placement there is a period of cautiousness where you want to be sure that you are present at all times and observing behaviors- just because abuse is not disclosed in the file doesn't mean it didn't happen. You can't possibly tell me that I shouldn't adopt this child just because we want to be safe- so basically I should just assume that there are no behaviors, assume everything to be fine and that's that?