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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
I am dealing with some issues about my adoption and do not know where to turn. i have posted on personal growth but thought maybe i would post here to. I was given up at birth. I was adopted by my parents - they had tried getting pg for 8 years. 3 months after they recieved me they got pg. I have my brother very close in age.

All my life he abused me physically and mentally. This was allowed as it was my fault. This issue was exxacerbated by the fact that I am the adopted child and he is the "real" one. I can go on about that for days- but in the end he broke my nose when i was 17. I had parked in the driveway- I wasupposed to park in the street. he made me move my car( the one i worked and paid for- they gave him his) he kicked and spit on my car- once back in the house i got ready to go- i looked thru the mail and he said" no one is going to write you-" I thew the mail down. at him and started to run to the door. he chased me slamming my head into the wall and slamming the door onto my hand. My nose was on the other side of my face. It was my fault for parking in his spot and throwing mail. really i got in truoble- he got nothing. i had to get my nose fixed- my dad almost past out and had to sit down w/ his head btween his legs.... but i was at fault.

my nose has a large hump on it now that did not exsiast before this. i hate him.

my mom and i talk everyday- but i feel hate twoards her too. she never protected me and it was always my fault..... why. why why why why.

anyway. 6 years ago when i was 20 i found my bio mom. my birth mom freaked out. they knew i was doin it- my dad even helped. so i ended up not going to see her- cutting off most communication ettc.

now i want to pick things up with my birth mom. i am torm whether to tell my mom or what. i have spoken to my bio mom a few times lately. I do not want her to be my mom. but i do want to have a relationship with her. and i do not want my guilt feelings from my mom being the reason i dont.

so i am going to....
just how. she does not drive and has a much different life than i. any advice or comments. it really helped to write this out.
thank you.
 

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I'm adopted as well.

I think if you want to have a relationship with your biological mom you go for it. It's not your adopted moms decision. It's yours. She can deal with whatever feelings she has about it.

I grew up in a very dysfunctional family too and met my bio mom when I was 18. I'm 33 now and still have a relationship with her and her family.
 

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Discussion Starter · #3 ·
Wow. Do you feel like chatting a bit. What is your bio mom like?
Can you tell me about your relationship?
She lives in Wichita KS. She is not married and has no other kids except for a boy she also gave up.
She has lots of friends and boyfriends change often.
She does not work and is not in contact with her family. She has had a hard life. She is very smart and kind. WE are alot alike..... I want to see her NOW. Do you see yours? I am at a loss!
 

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Well, I live in the midwest and she lives in Alaska, where I am from. It was great meeting her and she always felt that I would find her. I'm part of the family now. I call her mom and have 3 half siblings and go visit her when I can. Just visited in June as a matter of fact.

What's she like? Very hardworking and driven, to a fault really. She grew up in a hard life too so she's an over-achiever BIG TIME now. Her and her hubby own and run a very successful business and it soaks up allllllll her time. It's hard to pin her down, but me and my kids are important to her. We talk a lot. The only thing is that she won't talk to me about my bio dad. It's a sore spot for me but I trust that it will get discussed at some point. I'm in no huge rush to push it at the moment.
 

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Oh, and no need to feel at a loss. You're feeling incomplete right now and meeting her and talking to her will really help fill a void. Just be careful not to expect *too* much so that you won't get hurt if you're not able to get what you may want out of the relationship. Just let it come what may. Take it as it comes and hopefully it will blossom on it's own.
 

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being a birthmom this makes me so sad, (not that it wouldnt make me sad if I was not a BM)

How could someone that wanted a child SOOOO badly that they went through the whole adoption process do something like this?? This actually makes me sick to my stomach.

If you want to meet you BIO mom go for it, but like someone else said dont expect toooo much. Good luck and please keep us updated!! Hugs mama!
 

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to you!
I totally agree with the pp's, this sounds like something you need to do for yourself. I am SO SO SO sorry about your situation growing up. It drives me crazy to hear about stuff like that.

I know its no help to you, nor am I trying to minimize the pain and stress you had growing up, but sadly this happens in bio families as well. I have friend who has a sister a few years older than her. My friend was physically abused by her father for her entire life, to the point of frequent hospitalizations. Her sister was praised for being wonderful and never touched. She has many of these same feelings... her mother never protected her either and always pretended not to notice.

I also agree with Gemini.... I had the exact situation she described. I met my birth mom when I was 16. There was just nothing there... hard to describe but we just did not click. She was parenting a then 6 year old. I kept in contact with her by letters maybe a couple times a year at best. 2 years later, when I turned 18, she called and asked if she and her child could come live with me... she had fallen on hard times, blah blah blah. Same old story, same old person she was when I was small. I was pregnant with my first dd and decided that the relationship would end there, and I have not kept in contact with her any more. BUT i am glad I did see her, even if the outcome was not favorable. I would have always regretted it had I not done so. I have an older half sister out there somewhere I would love to meet, but probably never will.

Now I am on the flip side of the situation. I am an adoptive mom! I hope you find the answers and the peace you are looking for.
 

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Quote:

Originally Posted by emmasmominar
How could someone that wanted a child SOOOO badly that they went through the whole adoption process do something like this?? This actually makes me sick to my stomach.
I couldnt agree more! I have both, bio and adopted dd's and I could never imagine doing this.
 

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Discussion Starter · #10 ·
if i only knew. the hardest thing is that they truly think they did nothing wtong.

like i said- we are close today- my mom and dad. it is hard because there are lots of leftover feelingfs of anger towards them i woulds like to say you do the best you can.... but cmon.

that was the confusing part. if you love me so much- why dont you stop this?

They do not see it and consider me dramatic. just becaue dramatic things happen to me does not mean i am overreacting. if anything i underreacted!

thanks for the support. i did not mean to hurt any birth moms. i do not think this is the norm.
i do think if you have adoptive children and bio children- please be aware.
i would make sure to let them know and act it out that you love all the same. dont just say it- show it.
 

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I am so sorry you were treated so differently than your brother. I felt a lot of guilt over finally getting pg when I did, only 8 months after ds was born. They are 16 months apart and love each other so much! I make sure no one treats them differently or makes comments about them being different. They are both my babies! Do you have any advice for moms in this situation?

I am glad you are getting to know your birthmom. I have already gotten over that part through counseling and advice from adoption professionals. I hope my ds reaches out to his birthmom when he is ready - I would love to have some type of relationship with her too, she is a wonderful person for making me a Mommy!
 

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Discussion Starter · #12 ·
Hmm.... I think that most moms on here are already doing things that my mom did not. By just being ap.
I think that it is so important to be able to TALK to your parents without feeling they will be hurt or yell at you.

I was told alot that I was overreacting. All the time. I was never taken seriously. That made me feel that I was weird and wrong. All the time

I would just say make sure you are talking to your kids. You value how they feel. Even if it is uncomfortable. Even if it hurts. Your kids are not there to try to make you feel good all the time( this is what I tried to do for my mom)

I think it is fine to have bio kids and adopted kids! Just please be aware that there is another dynamic to this family to.

If you think your kid is feeling inferior to the bio kid. Ask. Talk about it. DO NOT dismiss the childs feelings.
Thats all.
I went to therapy today and I cried. Alot and I do not cry.

I found that it was very hurtful to me to have my parents saying how much they loved me and then not acting like it.( duh)
 

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therapy helps. I'm not adopted but I can relate to the denial... sheesh; what's wrong with people?

I guess what I learned is that I cannot change other people, only myself. I do not allow the abuse anymore, but my mom sure hasn't changed
I know I've changed though!
 

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I was *not* adopted, so if you want take what I say with a grain of salt.

But, growing up I *too* had similar difficulties with my younger brother who is very close in age to me. I recently started going to therapy for some other reasons, but have found some of this coming up as I have been talking to the therapist. I feel that my mother, who is quite dramatic herself, often sees me as being oversensitive when I react to really hurtful things. It wasn't until I met my dw, who witnessed some of the things my brother would do (and at one point, my dw witnessed him doing something physically violent toward me...and she refused to speak to him for many months)...that I started to feel as if I weren't completely insane. It took that witness, that validation, for me to start feeling okay about my anger toward my brother. He's also grown up quite a bit in recent years, which has helped me heal (though we still don't speak frequently and in fact hadn't until a few months ago spoken in a year or two, he did visit recently, and that went okay).

I think your decision to talk about this in therapy is so great. Talking about this kind of stuff in therapy has been really worth the cost for me. I've been able to work through stuff I've felt toward my parents, particularly my mother. My mother also recently visited, and it was wonderful. In the past it has been painful, but not the last couple times. Instead, it's been often joyful, and when it hasn't been joyful, I've been able to feel compassion toward her as a struggling human and toward myself, another struggling human.

So I guess what I am trying to say is that therapy has been really helpful for me. And I guess I am also realizing as I type this that even though you will have to sort out adoption issues (which it sounds like there are plenty of!)and other issues, I bet some of the most profound parts of your story pertain to many of us, adopted and not. The sibling thing can be really, really tough...especially when cruelty has been at play.
 

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Dear Emilie and Gemini

Hello, I am an adoptee too, and I'm thankful you started this thread. I'm new to this group and have been trying to sort through some of my adoption issues as well. I am learning that it will truly be a life long journey.

The abuse you spoke of reminded me of a book I read by Kasey Hammer called Whose Child? Disfuctional and abusive adoptive homes are unfortunatly more common than society at large wishes to awknowledge. i hope that trend may be changing, before the internet it was much more difficult for adoptive families to gain information and support and parenting another's child is not the same as caring for a genetic child. I think the frustrations and insecurities the aparents feel can be directed at the child, like what you talked about; your parents favored their bio child.

I don't believe adoption is a very "natural" way to create a family. It should never be thought of as a "cure" for infertility, because of course it DOESN"T cure infertility and if that was the intent of an adoptive couple then I feel it is is an unfortunate way to form a family because it's not so much about providing a home to a needy child, but rather filling a need of some to be parents.
 
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