[JackiD]

Looking for any advice/ideas thoughts to contemplate. Short history:

May 2002 fostered an infant addicted to Heroin & Cocaine
Feb 2003 he went home to bio mom
Jan 2006 he came back into our home with his 1 yr old brother (and they have a 1 month old sister in a medically fragile foster home)
Aug 2006 the state is asking to terminate parental rights and we are seriously considering adopting the now 2 & 4 yr old boys.

My head is spinning, there are so many different angles to look at and I'm afraid I'm missing something. I know we love them, I know they love us and are comfortable and feel at home.

How did you know it was "right" to adopt? After caring for the children as fosters and keeping that wall between you, how does one know that you/time/love can break that down? How did bio children react to the fosters becoming siblings? Our DD is 13 1/2 so she is very much a part of this decision and we are taking a week away from the kids to relax and seriously discuss all the questions/concerns in our minds.

Thanks for any input you can provide!

 

[pearlgirl]

I have never been in this situation but I just wanted to offer a

of support. It must be incredibly hard. I think if I were you would be examining why I was a foster parent and how adopting these boys fits into that. Do you think you would continue fostering after adding these boys to your family? Would you be able to? How would you feel if you couldn't? If your goal was never to adopt, then maybe your heart is best served continueing to foster and maybe these boys will find a forever family elsewhere. Can you imagine your life without them? I wish I had more to offer you.

Best of luck.
Sarah

 

[trinasmom]

Jacki,
Does your state require all siblings to be places together? That is what we are going through right now here in our state. All sibling have to be placed together. I understand the state is wanting to terminate on the 2 & 4 year old but what about the baby? Is it to that stage yet? And what about medical issues? Do they have any long term issues due to drug abuse? If so, will the state help you out financially, and with therapy? When we foster we get attached to these children. It is hard not too. Can you imagine your life without them? Are they a good fit with your family? Just a few questions that came to mind. Good Luck!

 

[sesa70]

Quote:

Originally Posted by JackiD How did you know it was "right" to adopt? After caring for the children as fosters and keeping that wall between you, how does one know that you/time/love can break that down?

I guess, my answer is, its right to adopt if you cannot imagine not adopting. If you have many doubts, or if you feel its uncomfortable, or are hesitant, than my guess would be its probably not right. I feel that our instincts are usually right on this one. Of course its something to really think about and concider, but if it 'feels' wrong it probably is. Good luck in whatever you decide!

 

[EFmom]

Quote:

I guess, my answer is, its right to adopt if you cannot imagine not adopting.

I sure don't agree with that. I suspect that having doubts is totally normal. I didn't adopt from the foster system, but I remember sitting in a hotel room an hour before we got our daughter thinking, "Oh God, what I have I done?" I couldn't love her more, but I had plenty of doubts during our first few months.

I think you are doing the right thing by taking a little time. Imagine what your lives would be with and without these children. This is a decision only you can make.

 

[pumpkingirl71]

Quote:

Originally Posted by EFmom I suspect that having doubts is totally normal. I didn't adopt from the foster system, but I remember sitting in a hotel room an hour before we got our daughter thinking, "Oh God, what I have I done?" I couldn't love her more, but I had plenty of doubts during our first few months. I think you are doing the right thing by taking a little time. Imagine what your lives would be with and without these children. This is a decision only you can make.

I completely agree. Doubt is normal and probably good.

 

[sesa70]

Quote:

Originally Posted by pumpkingirl71 I completely agree. Doubt is normal and probably good.

Well, just to clarify, I wasnt saying doubt was not normal, or shouldnt be there, but more that if it is something you have to talk yourself into that it is probably not the right decision. I suppose I could have been more articulate on that!

 

[JackiD]

Thank you all for your responses. I printed them and DH, DD and I have been discussing and discussing....we made the decision to go for adoption!!!! Today I spoke with the caseworker who informed me that the parents have surfaced - after EIGHT months..... we'll see what happens from here.

We have the option of taking the infant girl too, but would rather focus on the boys. She may have some serious medical issues and she's currently in a foster home trained to deal with it. The same home she's been in since she was released from the hospital.

We've decided that there is no reason we have to stop fostering forever. We just may take a few years off to focus on the boys

 

[Sarahbunny]

congratulatons on your decision, mama!

 

[trinasmom]

Congratulations on making your decision. What lucky little boys to have found someone who cares so much about them. Good luck to you and your family.

 

[stanswife]

As an adoptee I certainly applaud your decision! Good for them and you.

:

 

[JackiD]

We have a date!

The courts have scheduled the termination hearing early 2007!!!! Parents disappeared almost as soon as they surfaced. They didn't stick around to schedule a visit with the boys

Thankfully we never told the boys that they were "found".

 

[mumm]

Congratulations!

I wanted to sub, since I think we are soon to be in the same position. Our first foster placement was a newborn, methadone addicted, baby girl. She is the sweetest kid. Quick to smile and laugh, slow to fuss or complain, very tolerant of the 'love' she gets from our 6 and 3 year olds. She is to have her goals changed to adoption next month, and I'm scared to say No, we don't want to adopt her, but terrified to say Yes, we'l do it. We do have a barrier up between us, but it has become thinner over the months. My biggest fear is her exposure history. How will that affect how she learns and grows? Will we be able to give her what she needs? If we say no, perhaps she'll get much better parents than us. Calmer, smarter, wealthier, etc. And what if that barrier doesn't totally disapper. What if I love my bio kids more?

I'll be watching to see how it goes. Good luck.