Adopting out of Birth Order?

Quote:
Please spare me the ignorant stereotype! OK, that was my first reaction, but I have calmed down now...Uhm, I beg to differ. People who have been adopted are as well adjusted (or maladjusted) as those who have not;
encyclopedia of adoption; identity

Are you part of an adoption triad? OK I have figured out you are a fellow mommie through adoption (and fellow adoptive bfeeding mommie as well ) . Which makes me even more surprised (sad???) about your comment. I feel our children already have many unjust stereotypes and they certainly don't need us adding to the myth.

To lisab...

I have come in contact w/a family who did just that. The child already at home (their bio child) is about three or four yo and the new big brother is about six or seven. They are a family in my children's preschool. I was very concerned that a disruption was in the works. The older sibling was being very aggressive w/the younger one. Mom found the older one literally chocking the younger one. I can only imagine the shock w/being introduced to a whole different culture, language, etc.

About a month or so after the arrival things had done a complete 180. Now the boys are inseparable.

If I knew that anything like that would potentially happen I think I would shy away from such a situation. I don't think it is fair to the child already in the family to have to go through such an ordeal in the name of an adjustment period for the other.

Hi, All:

I'm grateful for all opinions posted here.

I wanted to clarify that our 2 year old was indeed adopted as an infant--he was 3 months old when he came to us--and we were aware of his then-2 year old half brother from his family history information. Had his brother been available for adoption, we definitely would've considered accepting a double placement, but his birthmother chose to continue parenting the older child.

As for self-esteem issues, it seems to me that EVERY child has the potential to develop them, adopted or not! I know its something my sister has struggled painfully with her entire life, and she's a bio child

I also wanted to add my thought that adding *any* sibling--younger or older--to a family will probably change the family dynamic. I know our family certainly changed when our younger son was born, and my relationship with both boys is different (and I believe deeper) now. One other thing...while I agree that observing how our 2 year old interacts with older cousins on extended visits isn't necessarily a perfect comparison with how he might act with an older sibling, folks often infer how thier toddler will behave with a younger sibling by observing how that toddler behaves with younger babies of friends and family. Guess I'm just wondering if anyone can really know how things'll shake out until they're in the situation!

Thanks,
Lisa

Lisa,

I am certainly no expert on adoption at this point, or on birth order dynamics...but I think you have to do what you feel is best in your heart.

My personal feeling is that your 2 year old son is too young right now to have a firm grasp of being the oldest. Just like he'll never remember being an only child, he'll never remember being the oldest child either (if you are planning to adopt soon that is). I think that more than seeing how he plays with older children...you have to look at how needy he is. Of course, he's a toddler so he's needy...but will he be able to share your attention with another CHILD.

Adopting an older child is much different from a baby because with a new baby in the house, the older children can feel a part of helping with that baby. With an older child, it would be much different because they are not getting any immediate "reward" out of helping the child adjust. And, the transition period would most likely be longer for an older child than for a new baby.

We are thinking about adopting a 2 year old little girl, who we know very well. I have a 19 month old and a 3 1/2 year old. Of course, adopting a "middle child" doesn't mess up the birth order of my own children, but she's been an only child her entire life. She spends a LOT of time at our house and I can see by how the children interact that she would be a very nice fit. Of course, once they are yours full-time, things are different, but I personally think you can tell a lot by creating a smaller version of a situation.

I hope some of this helped. I don't know if you are a religious person or not, but in my own personal case I have just handed the entire thing over to God and I pray about it several times per day. Since doing that, I am starting to see a clearer picture of what we should do....although still a bit undecided. :

We considered adopting a waiting child from the foster system in this country, and since our bio child was pushing 4 at the time, it may well have meant adopting out of birth order.

Flipping through the books of profiles, it was striking how many of the kids were described as needing to be the only child in a family or the youngest by a good margin. The program coordinator's explanation was twofold: First, many of these kids have been through A LOT and simply need a ton of attention and energy to adjust and heal; sometimes regressing to earlier stages is important and necessary, and that's simply easier to do if you're the "baby" in the family. Second, some of these kids have aggression issues and aren't necessarily safe to be around smaller kids or animals until they've done a significant amount of healing and growing.

But these things aren't true of all waiting kids. Every waiting child is unique, every potential adoptive family is unique. It's all about finding what's likely to be a good match, and it's a very personal decision. The adoption counsellor we talked to said that adopting out of birth order can be tricky, but for some situations works very well.

ARGGGGH! I just lost a lonnnnnnng reply post...darn! :

Anyway, thanks so much SafeMommy and T. Elena for the input...I appreciate it

My DH and I felt comfortable enough with this to put in an application last week with our stateside agency to move forward with the adoption. However, we've decided to wait 2 months prior to beginning any further paperwork to "settle into" our decision and to make sure we have our finances in order.

I have heard privately from a couple of folks who've done this, and so far they've been pretty positive (with the caveat that it takes work), and we've spoken to our agency about the fact that we will NOT accept the referral of a child that we don't think will fit well in our family. I know bringing any child into your family, adopted or bio, always throws you a few curve balls, but we're hoping to keep things both as flexible and centered as possible during the adoption process and the transition period!

Hi, Everyone:

Just wanted to post an update and let you all know that, after much much much much deliberation, we've decided NOT to adopt out of birth order.

We're still going ahead on the adoption, and we've decided to be a pilot family for our agency, which is starting an adoption program in Brazil. When our Brazilian child comes home, he or she will be the middle child in our family. :

I still feel that every adoptive family must assess their own situation and come to the decision that's best for everyone. IMO, there's no "one size fits all" formula for happy families, and although adopting out of birth order *can* be a difficult experience, it doesn't necessarily *have* to be. For us, everything just felt right about piloting this Brazilian program, and we'll still be getting an older child--just one that's younger than our eldest!

Thanks, y'all!!