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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
Hi,

My husband and our biological son don't seem to be able to get on. There is years of resentment and it seems to be coming to a head. Our son is now at university and I thought him being away and getting more mature might help but it hasn't. They mostly avoid each other and talking to each other. There is fault on both sides. I am also responsible in many ways for the situation having being raised with a very liberal mum and my husband is much more disciplinarian.

My husband would discipline in anger with raised voices and at times frightened me so quite often I'd defend our son and get in the middle and punishments would be reduced. I was not wishing to undermine husband but his anger made him make ridiculous punishments said in anger that just couldn't be abided to. Both are stubborn and never wrong.

I've kept peace but now our son is in his final year of Uni and talking about staying with us after he leaves until he gets a place. Of course I want him to and want a good relationship with him. However when he is home he gets silly and treats the household disrespectfully by staying out til small hours etc. I've been trying to handle that and making it clear its not just his dad who finds it unacceptable.

My husband is saying he doesn't want him living here period after he leaves Uni. We own the house together. It's two bedroom and hubby and I have a room each since son went to Uni which we are both happy with and is not an issue. Otherwise our relationship is fantastic, its just when son is home things go awry. Our son has a bed in our front room downstairs which Id happi!y have the room as his room for when he needed after into til getting his own place and and when he wanted to visit after getting his own place. It's not a bedroom but after he got somewhere I'd be happy for a bed settee if he ever needed or wanted to visit. The room has become a bone of contention my husband forbidding him putting in a desk and wardrobe and turning it into a temporary bedroom.

My son told me last night if he can't stay after Uni and has to stay with his grandma that he won't be coming back and we are done.

Neither will compromise or try to respect the others viewpoint. It's a week before Christmas and I'm trying not to do anything drastic and still hoping there's a solution to this somehow.

I am prepared to leave my husband but I really don't want to as I love him dearly.

My Mum has been talking to my son about it and supporting him as well but I also fear she is very negative and doesn't want the or see how the situation can be resolved and her viewpoint is colouring our sons. She doesn't like my husband and there's lots of water under the bridge.

My husband had an appalling childhood with an abusive mother and mine was very loving and liberal.

I am just trying to stay positive and asking God to help with this as has been up to now but my head is done in. I don't know what the new year will bring and am pretty stressed. I'm hoping holding a positive peaceful attitude over Christmas and maybe if they enjoy it together perhaps we can talk about it in the new year or worse case scenario go our separate ways. I would happily spend my life and die with this man I married but for this situation.
 

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Try to do family therapy. I don't know where you are or your healthcare system or finances, but I think that's your best bet. An impartial 3rd party whose willing to sit down with each of you alone and then work with you together can be incredibly valuable.

I think there are a lot of things going on. Things that you aren't even aware of, I'm sure. And you, single handedly, simply cannot fix this.

Your son is now an adult. I would try to express to him that you love him and want to have him in your life, and that you want to find a way to keep in touch with him even if he and his father can't get along.

(Edited to remove advice that I've decided against on second thought)
 

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My husband would discipline in anger with raised voices and at times frightened me so quite often I'd defend our son and get in the middle and punishments would be reduced. I was not wishing to undermine husband but his anger made him make ridiculous punishments said in anger that just couldn't be abided to. Both are stubborn and never wrong.

....
My son told me last night if he can't stay after Uni and has to stay with his grandma that he won't be coming back and we are done.
....
I am prepared to leave my husband but I really don't want to as I love him dearly.
Why would you leave your husband at this point? After watching him terrorize your son for years, why leave now that your son is grown man? What would be the point?


To me, it sounds like if your son does come home to live for awhile, it will end VERY badly. Instead of that, why don't you help him set up his own cheap apartment? He is a grown man, not a child. Help him start the life of an adult, rather than participating in re-creating a situation which you already know will not work for anyone.
 

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To me, it sounds like if your son does come home to live for awhile, it will end VERY badly. Instead of that, why don't you help him set up his own cheap apartment? He is a grown man, not a child. Help him start the life of an adult, rather than participating in re-creating a situation which you already know will not work for anyone.
Even covering a cheap apartment is iffy and could easily lead to further conflict between dad and son.

Since grandma is willing to, that may be a good option. This man's upbringing sounds quite volatile. If his grandmother is a more stable influence, it could help him untangle a lot of that and help him to mature and grow past it better than even living alone. That assumes grandma is a stable influence, though, not all grandparents are and she could also make it worse.
 

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Discussion Starter · #5 ·
Many thanks for your replies. I do agree that his own flat locally would be best but that depends very much on financial means and I don't earn much and just manage as is. I couldn't afford to help with rent so it would mean he'd need a job right away and that seems unlikely.

His Gran wouldn't mind I think but it is extra pressure on her though and not ideal. I'd prefer to see more of him in our home environment but maybe if it keeps the peace it's worth it. I don't want to be forced into kicking our Son out though and that's what I feel is happening.

In some ways I know some things have to change because everytime he comes home from Uni I say to myself I will do a few things for him and I honestly don't mind doing a lot but end up feeling like an indentured slave to him but he cutes me when I point it out and I seem to end up carrying on. I run round after hubby quite a bit so that shouldn't cause jealousy. I know I'm too soft in many senses with both but find it difficult to be any other way.

I offered to do a contract when he comes back after uni. Six strikes in six months and he's out with specific requirements to meet that we all sign but it wasn't taken up. I also suggested hubby talk to him alone and try resolve their issues but nothing has happened.

I will keep you updated.
 

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I would try a family counselor. It sounds like there's a lot of dysfuncton here and it may help to have an impartial person help you all realize what you're doing wrong and how to have a better family relationship.

Even if you have an idea, having a professional say it can hold more weight and doesn't carry as much baggage as you saying it.
 

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it would mean he'd need a job right away and that seems unlikely.
.....I honestly don't mind doing a lot but end up feeling like an indentured slave to him but he cutes me when I point it out and I seem to end up carrying on. I run round after hubby quite a bit so that shouldn't cause jealousy.


To me, it sounds like your husband and your son and similar kinds of people, and while you are whiling to walk on egg shells for both of them, neither of them are willing to do it for the either.


I think your son needs a job. Why isn't he working part time now (and saving up a bit to set up his own home)? Why isn't he working on having one set up to start full time the week after he graduates? Why is the assumption that an adult with a university degree needs his mommy to take care of him?
 

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I'm not sure what country the OP is from or what it's like where the OP is, but in the US it's completely reasonable for a college graduate to have to move back home. Wages have stagnated, entry level jobs replaced with unpaid internships, literally 100s of people are applying to just about every position, and meanwhile college loans and cost of living have gone up. I'm a year and a half out of college and neither my partner nor I have been able to find a full time job despite job searching our whole senior year and since graduation.

A lot of grads are finding themselves having to either take jobs that don't pay a living wage, or having to volunteer in their field of work to make connections (which, yeah, you can do while working a part time job- but it cuts into the number of hours you can work and makes it harder to make ends meet).

As for part time job during college- both of us were easily putting in 80 hours a week on school work in our senior year. Senior year in the US usually involves large projects in addition to regular course work. It's not always easy to fit a part time job into that- nevermind one that will actually allow you to bolster your savings (high cost of living, stagnated wages, etc). My partner and I did work part time all throughout college- but this hasn't helped us in finding jobs (even though they were directly related to the jobs we were looking for) and it didn't pay enough to truly impact our savings.

It is definitely worth making sure that soon-to-be/recent grads are doing everything they can to be independent. I also know grads who honestly aren't trying to find a good job and are just loafing at home because their parents let them. But circumstances are drastically different than they were even a decade ago. You can't assume that a recent grad who has to move home is just lazy/stupid/whatever. They could be a solid worker, highly intelligent, doing everything right.

I think the most important thing college students should do is to do internship- but the final year is often too late to look into that.
 
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You can't assume that a recent grad who has to move home is just lazy/stupid/whatever.
I didn't say that. I think the home situation that the OPer is describing is extremely dysfunctional. Extremely.


BTW, I graduated with a new degree last May and am working in my field now. The majority of recent grads I work with who are not married have a side job. I have 1 daughter in college and one who will start next year. My best friend finished her degree 18 months ago while raising 2 kids and with an ex who seldom paid child support. I'm not an idiot. I know the state of the economy.


But the OPer's son moving home will end badly, and he needs to figure out other options. There are always other options.
 

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It's still not always possible to become self reliant - but that doesn't mean the op's son has to move home and i agree its a really bad idea. He can find roommates and other ways to save costs.

I am concerned that he seems to be setting an ultimatum about being allowed to move back home, especially since home is so tense.

It sounds like a lot of things needed to be addressed years ago. It's a lot harder now. He's an adult and his parents have limited authority over him.
 
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One thing to keep in mind is that he is an adult. So the house rules that applied in high school or even when he lived there last, may not be the best now that he is grown and capable. That was one of the massive flaws of when I moved home for a while.

Just a thought.
 

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I am concerned that he seems to be setting an ultimatum about being allowed to move back home, especially since home is so tense.


I agree. I think that he and his father sound like very similar, very difficult people. The two of them in the same place sounds a like a potential "domestic disturbance."
 
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