[yogachick79]

This is the first time I think I have posted on this particular MDC board, but I am looking for some advice regarding my 8 yr old DD. She just very recently turned 8, and we have all of a sudden been having a lot of problems with her following instructions after the first or even second request. They are often met with "But Mom/Dad..." or "I was just..." and then STILL not completed. We have tried time outs, we have tried logical reasoning, we have tried removing certain privledges for a very reasonable amount of time. NOTHING is working. I tend to be a very patient person, however DH is not and even I am reaching my limits.<br><br>
She has been through a lot this summer, a move cross country which meant leaving one of her best friends and a school she knew, adjusting to me going back to work when I had been staying home (which she loved) and I think still adjusting to DS who will turn one this week. With all of that I KNOW that she will have some rough patches, but we cannot simply turn off the switch that says she needs to listen to and respect us as her parents.<br><br>
Sorry for the long rant, any advice would be much appreciated. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/img/vbsmilies/smilies/dizzy.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="Dizzy">:

 

[UnschoolnMa]

<div style="margin:20px;margin-top:5px;">
<div class="smallfont" style="margin-bottom:2px;">Quote:</div>
<table border="0" cellpadding="6" cellspacing="0" width="99%"><tr><td class="alt2" style="border:1px inset;">
<div>Originally Posted by <strong>yogachick79</strong></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">She just very recently turned 8, and we have all of a sudden been having a lot of problems with her following instructions after the first or even second request. They are often met with "But Mom/Dad..." or "I was just..." and then STILL not completed.</div>
</td>
</tr></table></div>
<span>It sounds like she has entered a new phase of development to me. She's probably becoming aware of herself in a new, deeper way and the people around her too. How we relate to others changes as we mature, and that affects communication in relationships. Add in power struggles (such as in the parent/child relationship) and things can get interesting.</span><br><br><div style="margin:20px;margin-top:5px;">
<div class="smallfont" style="margin-bottom:2px;">Quote:</div>
<table border="0" cellpadding="6" cellspacing="0" width="99%"><tr><td class="alt2" style="border:1px inset;">We have tried time outs, we have tried logical reasoning, we have tried removing certain privledges for a very reasonable amount of time. NOTHING is working. I tend to be a very patient person, however DH is not and even I am reaching my limits.</td>
</tr></table></div>
In my opinion time outs and taking away privledges are not going to motivate her toward more respect toward you and your Dh. They may very well motivate her toward feeling resentment though. That might be why it's not working... because it's not working toward solving or even addressing the underlying issues which are treating others with respect and how we want to be treated. If you want respect I think you should give it, and that includes to your child.<br><br><div style="margin:20px;margin-top:5px;">
<div class="smallfont" style="margin-bottom:2px;">Quote:</div>
<table border="0" cellpadding="6" cellspacing="0" width="99%"><tr><td class="alt2" style="border:1px inset;">She has been through a lot this summer, a move cross country which meant leaving one of her best friends and a school she knew, adjusting to me going back to work when I had been staying home (which she loved) and I think still adjusting to DS who will turn one this week. With all of that I KNOW that she will have some rough patches, but we cannot simply turn off the switch that says she needs to listen to and respect us as her parents.</td>
</tr></table></div>
<span>Those kind of changes can be really tough on anyone but especially tough on a kid. How about taking some time out just for her when you can? A half hour here or there to talk, go get an ice cream, etc. You can tell her that you know how many changes there have been and that you know it probably hasn't been easy for her. You can tell her that you appreciate her help and respect, and that you will try to give her the same. If you make a request of her and she says "But Mom I was...", be willing to hear her out. Then you can talk and come to a place you are both comfortable with. It's not that she just needs to listen to you...you both need to listen and really hear each other. Respect needs to flow both directions. She really learns it from you actually. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/smile.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="smile"></span>

 

[yogachick79]

Thanks for the thoughts. I have made a real point of having a "date night" with her once a week and a "super special date night" once a month, both being just time with her and me. On SS date night we go OUT to do something like see a movie, a play, go shopping, whatever and at least once weekly we are getting some sort of alone time without DH or DS.<br><br>
If I shouldn't be having her take a time out or removing small privlidges, then what am I supposed to do? There has to be a consequence for her not following through after multiple requests, and they almost always come after I have sat down and TALKED with her about why or how she should be doing the things that we are requesting.

 

[UnschoolnMa]

<div style="margin:20px;margin-top:5px;">
<div class="smallfont" style="margin-bottom:2px;">Quote:</div>
<table border="0" cellpadding="6" cellspacing="0" width="99%"><tr><td class="alt2" style="border:1px inset;">
<div>Originally Posted by <strong>yogachick79</strong></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">Thanks for the thoughts. I have made a real point of having a "date night" with her once a week and a "super special date night" once a month, both being just time with her and me. On SS date night we go OUT to do something like see a movie, a play, go shopping, whatever and at least once weekly we are getting some sort of alone time without DH or DS.</div>
</td>
</tr></table></div>
<span>That's great! Sounds like a lot of fun for you guys. A chance to reconnect can really be cool.</span><br><br><div style="margin:20px;margin-top:5px;">
<div class="smallfont" style="margin-bottom:2px;">Quote:</div>
<table border="0" cellpadding="6" cellspacing="0" width="99%"><tr><td class="alt2" style="border:1px inset;">If I shouldn't be having her take a time out or removing small privlidges, then what am I supposed to do? There has to be a consequence for her not following through after multiple requests, and they almost always come after I have sat down and TALKED with her about why or how she should be doing the things that we are requesting.</td>
</tr></table></div>
<span><br>
Well, first I'll say there doesn't <i>have to be</i> a consequence imposed. I get that the majority of parents operate that way though. (Have you done any reading about natural consequences. Could be something to look into.) An imposed consequence/punishment isn't going to help get to the root of what's going on. How will being grounded from something (or whatever it happens to be that you do) solve the issue for you both? It won't. I mean you can already see that it's not, right? Have you asked her straight out what is going on?<br><br>
What kind of requests are we talking about her not following through on? How are they worded? (Kind request, unitentionally harsh order?) If I feel ordered around I am certainly less inclined to do something...and even less likely to do it promptly. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/wink1.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="wink1"> Whatever you do, if it were me, my goal would be to finding out what is really going on and how you can both work it out together. Is she needing more time to finish what she is doing before following through on your requests? Questions like that are a place to start from anyway.</span>

 

[heartmama]

Could you give a specific example? I'm having a hard time picturing what you said, what she said, and what you wished she had said.

 

[UnschoolnMa]

I agree that some examples of what's going on would be help. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/smile.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="smile">