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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
Hello. The age old question of should I release my boys' father from child support. He owes in the neighborhood of $13000+ and the amount is increasing. He has been in Canada for a couple of years now, will have a job for a bit but cannot/does not hold a steady job. He asked if I would release him legally from having to pay - I said no. Now he is claiming to be homeless with no job. I did speak with him on the phone tonight and he is staying in a hotel room tonight but plans on his car tomorrow. He says he periodically will stay with friends. He maintains a cell phone. (he also lies frequently (in his mind - he does not lie)...I doubt the car sleeping tomorrow night...)<br><br>
I try not to get involved with his business bc I can't deal with how he operates. I asked him personal questions tonight bc I found out about this alleged situation. Now I question if I should legally release him from child support.<br><br>
I can scrape by and support the boys on my own - I have been doing this. I don't want to be the one holding him to pay when he cannot. I cannot believe it has accrued to this amount (and it will just keep adding up). I really do not know how releasing him from something he doesn't pay anyway would help him, but my conscience is at work.<br><br>
Perhaps someone on this board has a different idea or could shed some light for me. I would appreciate it. Thanks -
 

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That money is for your children, I would not release him from it and I am not sure you would be able to. Ex wanted to give up rights to ds but he wanted me to agree that he would not have to pay cs, my attorney said there is no way a judge would agree to that. He then asked me to not make him pay for 6 years, no reason, not sure why he came up with that - my attorney said no, a judge would not agree. Apparently the city I was living in at the time frowned upon that sort of thing because it is for the child, not for the parents, so by me agreeing to no cs I could be taking something away from my ds. It makes sense.<br><br>
Even if he never pays it, you are not obligated to clear his conscious or your own; you have nothing to clear. Think of what that money could do for your kids - it could be their college education.
 

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I agree with the pp. It is for your kids. Even if you can scrape by your kiddos deserve support from their father. I don't know the whole situation but he has obviously made some poor choices. How would releasing him change the choices he makes. If he was here he would be in jail.
 

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i really don't think he should be 'released' from that responsibility. bless you for struggling with it, though.<br><br>
they will only take what is fair......when they can take it. It's his responsibility to make enough so it doesn't hurt him financially.<br><br>
just imagine the day when he gets a job and the money starts coming in. Maybe you will be able to actually save some, or spend some.......that would feel good to not 'scrape by', and you and your dc's deserve that.
 

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Like the pp said, I would not release him from what he owes your children. He would definitely be in jail and the courts would constantly be all over him if he was living in the USA. My aunt went through a similar situation with her ex husband the entire time my cousin was growing up. I don't know if she ever got all that she was owed but everytime he made any money doing anything, she got a little bit of it. The cops even booted his car a couple of times until he paid her what he had. Even if you can scrape by with what you make wouldn't it be nice if every once in a while you got something from him? You could do something special for your kids. I would definitely think twice about releasing him.
 

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I totally agree with the PPs
 

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I agree with the PPs. That (potential) money belongs to your children. It sounds like he is still has some power over you in that you are feeling guilty about not releasing him of his obligation. That might be a place for you to do some reflection. He does have that obligation, you did not impose it.
 

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Whether or not your ex feels obligated to pay for the support and maintenance of your children, it is his responsibility to do so. Your children deserve the possibilty , however minute, of receiving that support.<br><br>
You should <b>under no circumstances</b> feel guilty regarding his choices and his way of going about, or not going about, earning a living. These are not your choices and you have no say in how he lives his life.<br><br>
Allow the money to accrue and don't worry about it unless you hear of something the court can levy a judgment against. Should he decide to return to the states, you could attempt to get him jailed for contempt - I mean, really, if he doesn't want to hold a job OR pay - he can go to jail and earn $.75 a day towards paying for their support - or he might find some way to pony up to avoid prison.<br><br>
I'm sorry that you're having to deal with this situation, but stay firm. Perhaps he's waiting for you to release him so that he can go and get another job that he can "live high off the hog on".<br><br>
Liz
 

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Discussion Starter · #9 ·
Thanks <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/smile.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="smile"><br><br>
An hour after I posted this, I realized I would not release him. Everyone made valid, excellent points. My analyzing self wants to be certain I make the right choice.<br><br>
I question if I am still caught up in him. I have set and held some very tight boundaries with this man (and am proud of myself). I do occassionally fall prey to his gimics but he is FULL of them.<br><br>
Thanks for your help - it is always great to hear from other people in situations that slightly compare.<br><br>
Peace -
 

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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>dachshundqueen</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/9831453"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">You should <b>under no circumstances</b> feel guilty regarding his choices and his way of going about, or not going about, earning a living. These are not your choices and you have no say in how he lives his life.</div>
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I'm glad you decided not to be pulled in by his guilt-trip. Liz is right, you have no responsibility to him for the pickle he's gotten himself into.<br><br>
I released my ex from CS years ago, but for a different set of reasons, and it's something I've never regreted. It is a personal choice and there's no black-and-white answer to it. But if you're considering it out of guilt or some sense of obligation to look out for <i>his</i> best interests, I'd say it's probably not a good decision.
 
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