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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
What's your best advice/wish you'd known/etc about moving in with your partner?<br><br>
DP and I are moving in together in August; neither of us has ever lived with anyone before (that we've been in a relationship with both - had tons of other housemates) - I'll be 24, he's almost 29. Oh and I'll be 7 months pregnant (unplanned, but welcome!).<br>
And FTR, neither of us are moving in because we feel pressured to - we just mutually came to the idea that is was a good step for us. We're both pretty even-keeled, easy going and compatible in how we live. . . but while I'm happy and looking forward to it - some been there, done that would be great to hear!
 

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well, my best advice is what you've already said: be sure that you're moving in together because you want to, not because you feel you *need* to (for financial reasons or otherwise, etc).<br><br>
Other than that, I'd examine differences you two may have with regards to things like finances, housework and such. It helps to address those things early before you fall into habits that may cause problems later on. For example, if he always pays bills late or leaves his dirty towels on the floor and that bugs you, don't just "deal with it" for several months before you say something, ykwim?<br><br>
Other than that, just sit back and enjoy that first morning, when you wake up at "his place" and realize it's your place, too <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/orngbiggrin.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="orange big grin"><br><br>
oh, and make your first joint purchase a new bed and a new set of sheets <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/winky.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="Wink"> Maybe I'm superstitious, but I like knowing that DF and I are the only ones who have slept in our bed (except the kids, of course)
 

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When dh and I got married, our church required us to take a marriage prep course. Most of it was useless, but what I did like is this quiz that we took. The answers were yes, no and don't know.<br><br>
The questions were like this: my partner and I have agreed on how we will spend money, my partner and I have similar approaches to housework, my partner likes to make the bed in the morning, my partner squeezes toothpaste from the bottom, my partner always tells me how he/she feels, it is easy to read my partner's emotions......<br><br>
You each take the test and then discuss (with the priest present) the answers. We did a lot of laughing during the test, because at that point we had no money to spend, and for housework, neither of us was really doing anything. But, really, they're talking points for your future. It also shows where there are differences. Sometimes it's the silliest things that really bug a person (like leaving shoes around) and one partner sits on it until it becomes a big deal, or picks on every little thing. It was good to discuss these things ahead of time, when tempers were even and no one was taking anything personally. I think money, housekeeping and childrearing are really important things to discuss ahead of time.<br><br>
All the best!
 

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Yeah that to all the above.<br><br>
Who would have thought that the thing that would irk me the most was the side of the sink he put the sponge on? <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/img/vbsmilies/smilies/dizzy.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="Dizzy">: <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/lol.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="lol"> Silly little things like that that you never realized mattered to you suddenly become big when day after day the damn sponge is on the wrong side of the sink! <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/orngtongue.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="Stick Out Tongue"><br><br>
So my advice is to pick your battles, mention something immediately if it bothers you, and be willing to hear if you're being unreasonable (who really cares what side of the sink the sponge is on anyways? <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/winky.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="Wink"> ).<br><br>
The other thing is make sure you don't lose what makes you two unique. Now that you live in the same house, you will share the same down time. Make sure you continue to do those little things you used to do when you had a night alone at home - just b/c DP is home doesn't mean you have to spend every moment with them (although it's tempting). It can be bad for your relationship I think to spend too much time together and not enough doing the things you love individually.<br><br>
Good luck! I love waking up every morning with my Dh next to me and all the little things that make this house OURS.
 

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everyone told me that there would br an adjustment period. i was like, nah, not us, we've been practically living together anyway! i was wrong, there were occasional bumpos for the first 6 months. but nothing huge.
 

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Really talk about who will do what, around the house and with the baby. Make it very clear that you expect him to contribute around the house, not just 'help' you with the housework from time to time.<br><br>
He is the baby's father, he has to step up to those duties as well. Babies aren't automatically the mom's responsibility. Also you ARE going to need time off, time to yourself, so it might help to talk about how often you will expect that.<br><br>
You two will need time alone together too, he doesn't get to run off all the time to do 'his' things and leave you holding the bag. Plan that ahead too.<br><br>
Those were the hugest things in my former marriage, so those are my suggestions. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/smile.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="smile">
 

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<b>Good Communication</b> makes the world go round. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/smile.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="smile">
 

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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>Mallori</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/8242151"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;"><b>Good Communication</b> makes the world go round. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/smile.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="smile"></div>
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<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/img/vbsmilies/smilies/yeahthat.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="yeah that">: Talk about everything, don't just assume. And be honest with each other. If you don't like meatloaf, tell him. Don't just say " whatever you want" or " yeah it's great" and then 20 years later finally crack.<br><br><b>Habits are hard to change, so start things off on the right foot.</b> Do the dishes together, don't pick up after him or he'll get used to it and never change. Stuff like that.
 

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I didn't live with my DH before marriage. I never would have done that. I've known couples who did live together before marriage and couples who did not. I'm sure it works both ways but we never would have done it. It just didn't seem right to us. I agree with having good communication but hey, you can also do that and be married first. lol
 

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Are you moving into a new place or is one of you moving in with the other? If it's the latter, then I think it can be harder to adjust, since (at least for a while) one person feels a loss of space and control and the other person feels like a guest who doesn't know where stuff goes or whether it's okay to change something. This may sound minor, but my now-dh and I struggled with this for a while after I moved in with him.<br><br>
One nice idea I got from a friend of mine who was moving in with her fiance and his kids in a house they had been living in for a while, is to have "Moving Day" for everyone, where the person whose place it was makes some major changes and reorganizes so it's not just the mover-in fitting around their stuff. Eg, take everything out of the bathroom cabinets and together come up with some nice arrangement and division of space and then put things back, rather than having one partner clear a shelf for the other. Then you both practically and symbolically are starting fresh. And it's a great opportunity for cleaning and clearing....
 

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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>mommy68</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/8246693"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">I didn't live with my DH before marriage. I never would have done that. I've known couples who did live together before marriage and couples who did not. I'm sure it works both ways but we never would have done it. It just didn't seem right to us. I agree with having good communication but hey, you can also do that and be married first. lol</div>
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I don't understand what your advice is. Get married before you move in together? You can be married and still need advice on how to live together and not everyone is going to/can get married. I don't see how the two relate, I guess and I'm probably not the only one who could find that offensive. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/confused.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="Confused">:
 

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Talk about how you would like your home to be. Do you want it to be a private refuge or a gathering place for friends? **** and span or comfortably lived in? Expectations for privacy? Etc.<br><br>
The best marriage advice I got, which may relate to moving in, was that marriage is not a 50-50 proposition - it's 100-100.
 

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I agree with most of the PPs about talking about all the little issues now, before they become subscriptions <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/lol.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="lol">.<br>
Personally, I think it's a wonderful idea to live together before marriage. Marriage is a big commitment & I wouldn't make it without first being familiar (& coming to grips) with my DP's quirky habits-habits that don't show up until you're living together.<br>
And who says people who move in together have to be legally married anyway?
 

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Discussion Starter · #14 ·
thanks for the great replies <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/smile.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="smile"><br><br>
and to the poster that suggested marriage before moving in - actually, neither of us have any desire or plan to get married. Just some loving & living & baby-raising, thanks! <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/smile.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="smile"><br><br>
It'll be a new place for both of us, but he'll probably have moved in a bit before me as I'm overseas at the moment - leaving him to house-hunt. I really liked the suggestion about 'moving day' though. Also the one about discussing what 'home' means to you - very important! And as for when I get there - I'll be 7 months+ pregnant & jet lagged so there's NO chance of me cleaning up after him (not that I was planning on it anyway). . . my plan is to sleep. a lot. haha . . .
 

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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>mommy68</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/8246693"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">I didn't live with my DH before marriage. I never would have done that. I've known couples who did live together before marriage and couples who did not. I'm sure it works both ways but we never would have done it. It just didn't seem right to us. I agree with having good communication but hey, you can also do that and be married first. lol</div>
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How does getting married have anything to do with the OP's question? Or is your advise to get married before moving in together? <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/img/vbsmilies/smilies/dizzy.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="Dizzy">:<br><br>
OP, I think you've received great advise here. Talk about everything, communicate. The major issues will be money, housework, childcare and parenting philosophy. Other things will pop up that you should think about like frequency of sex, needing alone time, and time with friends. Those are all issues that need to be out in the open and agreed upon.<br><br>
Best wishes for you with your new living situation and your new little one! Just make sure you are honest and communicate well together. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/smile.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="smile">
 

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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>the sunshine</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/8240854"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">Really talk about who will do what, around the house and with the baby. Make it very clear that you expect him to contribute around the house, not just 'help' you with the housework from time to time.<br><br>
He is the baby's father, he has to step up to those duties as well. Babies aren't automatically the mom's responsibility. Also you ARE going to need time off, time to yourself, so it might help to talk about how often you will expect that.<br><br>
You two will need time alone together too, he doesn't get to run off all the time to do 'his' things and leave you holding the bag. Plan that ahead too.<br><br>
Those were the hugest things in my former marriage, so those are my suggestions. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/smile.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="smile"></div>
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<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/img/vbsmilies/smilies/yeahthat.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="yeah that">:<br><br>
I cannot stress how much of an issue that is in my marriage. It seems that what he 'needs' to do always comes first. If he has a spare moment or two he'll take dd here and there, but I'm ALWAYS left to my own devices to figure out how to get EVERYTHING done with her. Also, I'd discuss medical issues. Make sure you agree on how to handle your dc's health care. not vaxing vs vaxing is still an issue for us.<br><br>
Above all, make sure the lines of communication are always open! Our relationship always goes better when we talk about things regardless if we agree or not, but when we start getting angry with eachother and stop talking, that's when we have problems.<br><br>
We also lived together prior to getting married. We didn't feel pressured to do either, it was just the natural progression of our relationship.
 

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Um, that we both suck at finances, lol. Oh, well, live and learn. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/orngbiggrin.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="orange big grin">
 

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The first guy I lived with? I wish I'd known he was still on methadone, and sneaking heroine with the money I was giving him for utilities, which we had to put in my name because his credit was so poor...wish I'd known his credit was so poor because he'd been in jail for credit card theft against his own mom and dad.<br><br>
Oh, the things I wish I'd known.<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/orngtongue.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="Stick Out Tongue"><br><br>
With dh, the things I wish I'd known are smaller, like I wish I'd known that he likes to wash ice cube trays before re-filling them<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/img/vbsmilies/smilies/dizzy.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="Dizzy">: , and he hangs the toilet paper upside down, and that when he borrows my tooth brush, which I wish he wouldn't, he would brush SO hard that the bristles would be askew the next time I used it...<br><br>
Stupid things, and I guess knowing them wouldn't have dissuaded me, but at least I would have been prepared!<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/lol.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="lol"><br><br>
Let me see, heroine addicted liar and cheat...loyal and dilligent tooth brush holder with a fear of freezer dirt...<br><br>
Yeah, I think you live and learn, and hopefully, you mesh or learn to.
 

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If you are going to SAHM, talk NOW before the baby is born about how you plan to finance that as a couple, agree on how long you should SAHM, set up a joint bank account, and agree on how money will be handled/divided while you are not working. It would be a good idea to get it in writing, actually, though it would not be legally binding.
 

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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>mommy68</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/8246693"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">I didn't live with my DH before marriage. I never would have done that.</div>
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done 'that'? please, this is not 1912. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/irked.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="irked">:<br><br>
ahem, that aside, you're getting good advice, OP. don't clean up after him. if he seems to expect that, nip it ASAP. here's hoping he was raised better than that.<br><br>
congratulations!
 
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