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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
I could really use some advice from other men who work outside of the home. I am a stay at home mom. My dh works about 40 hrs a week and comes home everyday for lunch. recently I have found myself feeling angry at him for being gone. If he doesn't answer his phone at work, if he has a lunch meeting or comes home a little late I often accuse him of not wanting to spend time with us. He tries to tell me that it is not easy for him to be away, but the he has to. Which is true, but when he wants to go with a coworker to lunch I feel like that because we don't get to see him during the day, he SHOULD come home. if he can skip out on meeting then he should. He says I don't understand the struggle of balancing a career and family. I am trying, but whenever we talk about it it turns into and argument which we both try and avoid and therefore spend little time talking about it. What does it really take to balance family and a career? Do you really feel left out if you are not able to go on lunches with other coworkers or boss's? I find myself getting angry at the whole system for being so demanding of people who work. My husband is very good at what he does, so whenever there is a problem they want him there to fix it. He had to leave on Mothers day to go to work and I was furious. It was late in the evening, and we weren't really doing anything, but I still found myself so angry and feeling like he could stay if he REALLY wanted to. I want to be supportive of him , i really do, but I am afraid that his carrer is going to turn him into one of those guys that is always gone and missing out on all of the family stuff. I really don't want to live like that!! Any advice how I can handle this?
 

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I am a working dad. Yes, it is difficult to balance home and work. Our culture gives lip to the whole family values ideal, but in reality the corporations love to exploit people for increased profitability.

So, I have learned to say NO to the boss on certain issues, ie, working more than 1 holiday per year---that's a big NO. This year I worked Memorial Day. I let my wife know well in advance so our plans wouldn't be too ruined.

Also, I don't go out to lunch w/coworkers cause I don't have that kind of money to spend. But I have been held up at times coming home late. One Christmas Eve I didn't get home to well after 7:30pm and my DW was FURIOUS. This Christmas Eve I ran out on time.

So, the balance is a difficult one. But there are things your husband can do to minimize the negative impact on the family.

There are things you can do also. If he is at work, he is at work and perhaps don't place expectations on him that he'll be home for lunch. If he has meetings and chooses not to go, he is still at work and probably can't run home to see you.

Between the two of you, you should be able to strike a balance. Good luck.
 

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Is this really a career? I mean - is he doing this stuff to chase promotions and such...or is he just trying to earn his paycheque and put food on the table?

Up until a few weeks ago, I've never been a SAHM with a working dh. I was always the one working full-time to support the family. And, yes - it's a pain. Employers have expectations of what you will and won't do. There are times that going out to lunch with the co-workers is almost a must. You obviously can't be required to do it, but it causes problems in the office if someone is obviously avoiding the "built-in" socializing all the time. Bailing on meetings (oh - what bliss - to avoid a meeting!) can result in getting fired.

The workplace puts a lot of demands on people. I can't even imagine coming home for lunch every day - or even most days. I've never worked less than a 45 minute commute from home, so once I left in the morning, I was gone all day...usually about 11 hours total. When you're spending that kind of time away from home, sometimes being able to unwind with your co-workers is a nice break. Plus, it's hard to always be the one who's shut out...if the other guys all go out for lunch together and you're the one who never does, you end up isolated.

With respect to your dh working on Mother's Day and such...how much pressure does his boss put on him? Does he feel that he's in danger of losing his job if he doesn't comply? The pressure can be enormous.

I'm actually finding a more "normal" work schedule for dh to be a treat. My ex (and most of the men in my family) was a furniture mover. When he left in the morning, I didn't know if he'd be home at 2:00 in the afternoon or after midnight...I didn't know if he'd have had supper or not...and I couldn't contact him during the day at all.

Try to see the pluses in the situation, and good luck!
 

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mama love, i am in your situation to a certain degree (i work also but she has the more lucrative career).- you could say i empathize with your situation - my wife is the one that works and has obligations to her job that lets just say, have no boundaries - she is a manager at her work, and if they are short staffed or there is some kind of emergency - she gets paged and she has to go in - i can remember last winter during a big blizzard we had - her work had a ton of call-ins and she had to go in - and yes it did really irk me - i mean this was her day off, i thought i would get to see her, i thought we would have a day together with the kids, and have some fun together, but here i was alone *again* with two kids stuck in the house during a blizzard. and sometimes i get the feeling that maybe she secretly likes being away - like being at home with the kids and me is good, but she is glad it is only part time. its almost as if she really wants to spend time with us, but it really wears her out, to the point that she likes getting away at times. BUT i think deep down she really wants to spend her time with us - even more, she wishes she was with the kids more and had more time to bond with them-this is really tough on her. she also has a responsibility to her work - and the reason she is working is to support her family - so her loyalty to her job, i see it as her trying provide for the kids, even though i wish she was around more.
 

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My husband initially posted under my name, and then removed his post. However, I agree with what he said, so I'll retype it for him in my own words!


We have been fortunate enough to have Rich home 90% of the first 6 months of Rachel's life. His job allowed a lot of flexibility that we would not get elsewhere. Now that he's gone back to full-time, it is hard to switch my role to be Rachel's only caregiver from morning to mid-evening. But, I know my husband's job is important to our family too.

I count my lucky stars that we got the first 6 months that most families do not have. I am thankful that Rich does get home most every night at 5:00. I appreciate that he is willing to have lunch with us when we drive up to meet him.

A lot of families don't have half of the time that it sounds like your husband devotes to you and your child. I take it for granted a lot in my situation. Be happy for what lengths your husband does go to spend time with you. Some Dads don't bother with a fraction as much.

We are lucky Mamas, and I guarantee our husbands are trying their hardest to make the best situation for everyone.
 

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A few interesting comments. I agree with what he says about "It's tough to balance family and career" I don't see the point in being angry and upset about him needing to go to work. Saying that he can skip out on meetings and all that. I mean technically I guess you can tell anybody "I'm sick" or whatever you need to to get out of a meeting. He comes home every day for lunch but occasionally goes out with co-workers? You do understand that most husbands never come home for lunch at all right?

You said. "I don't want him to be one of those husbands that just does his career." My feeling is. If you keep on being so angry and negative about the time that he DOES spend with you, then he's just going to one day say "Screw it" and just be that guy that you don't want him to be. Because he can't live up to your expectations anyways. There comes a point where when you're trying really hard at something and nobody gives you credit for it, that you decide that there's no point in trying anymore.

It sounds like you have unrealistic expectations of him. You didn't post saying he comes home and doesn't help with the baby or that he was doing any real negative things, so it's hard to see that he's doing something truly troubling.

I know this forum is typically a little more supportive of situations like this. But it sounds like you're having issues with the fact that he is able to have the "freedom" of going to work, while you have to deal with the full time care of your child.

All of this is under the assumption that he's a good father when he's around because you didn't say anything negative about him in that regard.
 

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He is an adult, he should not feel guilty for going to lunch with a co-worker. I wonder if there is an underlying cause to your feelings of irritation, perhaps jealousy, insecurity in the relationship or a low self-esteem?
 

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Discussion Starter · #8 ·
I thank you for your input. it actually has helped me a lot even some of the negative or should I say realistic comments. Maybe I do have some unrealistic expectations. And your right, I really have nothing negative to say about his time that he does spend at home. I am fortunate that I can stay home, and honestly I have never been in a career type job to feel the demands that are not really talked about. I don't really look at it as him being isolated if he doesn't attend things that other people do, if it is not absolutly neccessary that he be there. It was helpful to hear the comments about taking it for granted and maybe having some of my own issues and taking it out on him. Sometimes, I get so worked up in the moment about my own needs, it is hard to look at the situation in any other perspective. thanks for that. I will definalty keep them in mind in the future.
 

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Quote:

Originally Posted by mamalove1434567
I thank you for your input. it actually has helped me a lot even some of the negative or should I say realistic comments. Maybe I do have some unrealistic expectations. And your right, I really have nothing negative to say about his time that he does spend at home. I am fortunate that I can stay home, and honestly I have never been in a career type job to feel the demands that are not really talked about. I don't really look at it as him being isolated if he doesn't attend things that other people do, if it is not absolutly neccessary that he be there. It was helpful to hear the comments about taking it for granted and maybe having some of my own issues and taking it out on him. Sometimes, I get so worked up in the moment about my own needs, it is hard to look at the situation in any other perspective. thanks for that. I will definalty keep them in mind in the future.
What a postive open mind!

Maybe it's time that you go get spoiled somewhere, at a Spa or something, or go for a girl's night out or a romantic weekened with your honey? Staying at home 24/7 is no picnic either, I do it, too, and sometimes I hate it. It's boring and lonely at times to always be cooped-up.
 
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