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Discussion Starter #1
We have been late for nearly every single thing we do in the past few years because dd can't get ready with the same speed everyone else in the house does. Last year we were about to have social services see us because of the amount of times our kids were late to school, and nearly all of these tardies were because while everyone else was ready she was doing her slowpoke routine. She has always taken her shower at night rather than in the AM because of this, and this year dh had ds start turning her light on while on the way to his shower. She will let her alarm ring until it shuts off automatically if nobody intervenes. She is the first person in bed and the last person up every day.<br><br>
Because of all this, dh asked me to start pairing up her clothes last year. She is always allowed to pick the outfit, but no matching and switching in the morning because she makes us late. Last week in the throes of PMS we had a very bad morning that left me shaking with anger. Not only was she still changing clothes when we had 3 minutes to get out the door, she had taken outfits down, thrown them all over, and was matching different outfits up herself. She also held the door shut to try to keep me from seeing this.<br><br>
I exploded and lost my mind for a while. Later, when I picked her up from school, she had put different clothes in her backpack and changed, but she forgot to change back before I saw her.<br><br>
Now, I have asked for advice over and over about this issue. I have told her we can pair outfits up together in the afternoon if she wants, but under no circumstances is she to spend all morning in front of her mirror changing clothes over and over, making us all late.<br><br>
Someone sent me this advice, and I'd like to know if you think this is a good idea, or if you have any other suggestions. For a while we were moving her bedtime up 1/2 hour every time she got up late, but how early can she go to bed? 7? Right now we're doing fairly well with 8PM, but I can't see sending her to bed any earlier.<br><br>
anyway, the advice I was given :"I would take all of her clothes out of her room. Then, each morning, have<br>
two outfits ready and have her choose one. Explain that her actions are<br>
not appropriate for a young woman her age and you are going to help her<br>
with appropriate actions.<br><br>
Also, I have removed the door from my child's room when he tried to keep<br>
me out. For a while, we had a screen door!"<br><br>
This seems like a little too much, but should I offer that as the next step?<br><br>
help!<br><br>
8(
 

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Her actions are not such that she needs to lose the door. Some people are going to come and tell you it's abusive, that her privacy is the most important thing in the world, but I disagree. But, in this case, the door needs to stay.<br><br>
The clothing idea however, is fine. As long as she's allowed to pick what she wants the night before, then you're not taking control away, you're just preventing the typical teenage indecision monster to rule your mornings.
 

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Discussion Starter #5
she's 9. She is in the throes of puberty, every day I expect her first period.<br><br>
I am dealing with my own issues, and freely admit I lost it that morning and was bordering on psychotic for 2 days. I'm working with the therapist and charting my cycles to see if a doctor can help me with my hormonal issues in addition to our 'just us girls' counseling sessions.<br><br>
In the meantime, she holds all of us hostage with her slowpoke stuff. I'm doing much better with respectful conversation and remembering that most of our issues are not her fault, but this one particular issue affects everyone in the house. I'm going to try the checklist for the nighttime routine, but I don't know what else to try in the mornings. I think it's kind of unfair that we've got everyone involved in waking her up in the morning except her. But if we don't all devote our time to getting her moving, she makes everybody late.<br><br>
I am thinking about making her bedtime 15 minutes earlier the next time she doesn't get up, though.
 

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Not a parent of a teen,, but I was one not too long ago and still have teenage siblings <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/wink1.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="wink1"><br><br>
I second the how old, but my mom ended up do this to all of us once or twice, and it only takes a few times before all of us learned, but take her to school the way she is. My mom called the principle/teacher and let them know, but I went to school with out shoes one time (she brought them to be a couple hours after school started). Have a pair of pants or shirt in the car so she has to have pants/shirt on, but I bet if she has to go and is not allowed to make everyone else late she will be ready on time.<br><br>
Also, do you really care if she is wearing "proper" matched outfits? My 8 year old picks her own clothes and sometime it does not go together, I might make a kind suggestion and let her know that they don't really work well together, but if she wants to wear it she can. I think it is a major power struggle, and you need to let it go on this. I only buy clothes that are acceptable to wear (no saying I don't like, covers butt/belly, ect), so my girls can wear what they have.
 

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Discussion Starter #7
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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>Jessmcg</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/7940950"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">Not a parent of a teen,, but I was one not too long ago and still have teenage siblings <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/wink1.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="wink1"><br><br>
I second the how old, but my mom ended up do this to all of us once or twice, and it only takes a few times before all of us learned, but take her to school the way she is. My mom called the principle/teacher and let them know, but I went to school with out shoes one time (she brought them to be a couple hours after school started). Have a pair of pants or shirt in the car so she has to have pants/shirt on, but I bet if she has to go and is not allowed to make everyone else late she will be ready on time.<br><br>
Also, do you really care if she is wearing "proper" matched outfits? I think it is a major power struggle, and you need to let it go on this. I only buy clothes that are acceptable to wear (no saying I don't like, covers butt/belly, ect), so my girls can wear what they have.</div>
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No I really don't care what she wears as long as it doesn't break the dress code rules at school. We just thought we were making it easier for her to only have one choice in the morning instead of a gazillion. She could wear a different outfit every day for almost 4 weeks without repeating a single item. She has that many clothes. We really thought it was an indecision problem, so we told her 'choose from these' meaning the ones that were matched up. It's not like she pulls down a pair of pants/shorts, then changes the shirt 3 times and is ready. She will pull down everything and even the act of taking off or putting on is extremely slow. I really start to question her motor skills sometimes, but as I've said before, then she'll expertly mimic a dance move, so I know there are no coordination problems.<br><br>
I spent the week before school started this year hemming about 15 pairs of pants, then her aunts and her grandmother bought her more clothes, and I had to hem all of those pants, too. She isn't hurting for clothes, and we are not that controlling, we're just trying to make our morning easier for everyone.<br><br><br>
I just don't know what else to try.<br><br>
8(
 

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I have a hard time with the taking them to school as they are but maybe within reason. Nothing that will get them made of. I dunno. This is a tough one.<br><br>
How about a checklist that states what has to be done at a certain time with what will happen if they don't. It your house and I could not say what would happen if she didn't stick to it.<br><br>
Also, and don't flame me, what about sending her to bed in the clothes she is going to wear the next day? Lame maybe but boy does it cut down on time <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/lol.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="lol"><br><br>
Hopefully there will be other suggestions <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/smile.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="smile"><br><br><br>
I feel for you <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug">
 

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A child physchologist told a very similar story about a boy who was always late for the carpool to school. One day the mom did nothing to help him get ready. When his ride came and he wasn't ready, she waved them on. Meanwhile she called the principal and told him the situation.<br><br>
The son was livid and demanded that the mother take him to school. She took her sweet time and he arrived an hour late. After taking his seat in class, the principal announced his name on the PA system and asked him to come to his office.<br><br>
He was never late again.<br><br>
I realize this may not work considering the age of dd but the clothing removed from her room seems appropriate. She can pick out her outfit the night before and commit to it. If there is someone who can remain in the house with her while you take the others to school, then you can apply the discipline I described above. Also if she has a hard time waking up, then definitely, move her bedtime to an earlier hour.
 

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When I missed the bus, I had to walk (2.5 miles - 3 HUGE hills - mom was already at work), so I kind of agree with the above suggestion. I also like the suggestion of leaving, with her, however she is dressed. YOu can have an outfit in the car that she can put on if she's not totally dressed by the time it's time to go.<br><br>
I think that removing all clothes from her room is not unreasonable. At the very least, pare it down to 5 outfits, one for each day of the week. You could even pare it down to three, assuming that her clothing doesn't get really dirty from one day's wearing. All thouse choices can be very overwhelming.
 

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It sounds like she has too many clothes, hence too many choices. A 9 year old does not need 15+ pairs of pants. She is probably overwhelmed.<br><br>
I agree with removing the clothes from her room. It probably won't take long to fix the situation. Try noting which clothes actually get worn within a month long period, and get rid of some of the non-worn clothes.
 

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Discussion Starter #12
We tried removing most of the clothes from her room once before, and she went looking for them, put on an outfit that she was not allowed to wear to school, and we went through the usual morning drama afterwards.<br><br>
I think you're right that she has too many choices, and maybe I can rotate clothing out to the building where I do the laundry. It has a lock, so I don't think she'll be getting in there. I also may ask her tonight what she has that she doesn't like, and why. I have no problem getting rid of some of this stuff if it will make things easier.<br><br>
It's not just clothes though. I burned her some cds with songs she chose on them, and today i see some of them on the floor, getting scratched up. She either doesn't care about anything I have a hand in, or she just doesn't care about her things, period. I really don't know which it is.<br><br>
And I may do the outfit in the car trick, I know she'd be mortified to show up at the bus stop in her jammies.<br><br><br><br>
8(
 

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" she holds all of us hostage with her slowpoke stuff"<br><br><br>
No way would I allow a 9 year to hold my day hostage. Let her be late to school a few times then ask the principal or teacher to give her a "good talking to". Sometimes kids this age will listen to others before they listen to Mom or Dad. Also, I would limit any fun stuff until she shapes up. She pulls alls this bs on you, but still gets to do cool stuff with friends or on weekends? No way.<br><br>
As for the outfit thing..... take Sunday evenings to check the five day forecast and have your child put together a week's worth of clothes. This is what we do and it works great. None of the last minute, where is my fill in the blank?
 

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I feel your pain. I have a ds who is 9 also and is just takes him so darn long to get dressed and get up. Here might be some things that help you that we did.<br>
1. clocks- I set all of clocks 10 minutes ahead and didn't tell anyone.<br><br>
2. Timers- I would set a timer for every little thing ds needed to get done. getting dresses to the shoes 10 minutes brushing teeth 5 minutes ect. kinda turned it into game to get finished before the timer went off.<br><br>
3. Natural Light- When I am getting ds up in the morning, I always make sure to open the blinds and let natural light in. seems to really help him.<br><br>
I don't how mature you dd is, but I know mine is not mature enough to be left to get ready by himself. Boys in my family are usually late to mature so I figure I am going to be doing this till atleast the early teens, if not later.<br><br>
I also think the idea about taking away the clothes is a good idea and a logical consequence. I would pick out her favorites, enough for a week and only keep those in her closet. You can go through and rotate them as needed. We have taken away ds door before when he slammed it so hard he broke a very special tricket of mine from my grandmother(after he recieved tons of warnings about slamming doors). But I don't think your case would call for that drastic of action.
 

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I'm wondering about the motor skills question. Dance moves are gross motor skills. Dressing is a combination of gross motor and fine motor skills. Is it possible she has a physical problem with fine motor skills, or with combining gross and fine motor skills together?<br><br>
Or she might just be a 9yo who's naturally a night owl and has a hard time getting moving in the mornings, and who's recently taken an increased interest in her appearance.<br><br>
I think having her pick out an outfit the night before, and then removing all other clothes from her room is reasonable. Or maybe even store them in another room and just keep a few outfits at a time in her room.<br><br>
I do wonder if having too many clothes are part of the problem. My kids each have about 7-10 weekday outfits, not 20. If my Mom tries to buy clothes when my kids already have enough, then some of the new ones go back to the store, or some of the old ones go to the thrift store, or both.
 

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Discussion Starter #16
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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>philomom</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/7941411"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">" she holds all of us hostage with her slowpoke stuff"<br><br><br>
No way would I allow a 9 year to hold my day hostage. Let her be late to school a few times then ask the principal or teacher to give her a "good talking to". Sometimes kids this age will listen to others before they listen to Mom or Dad. Also, I would limit any fun stuff until she shapes up. She pulls alls this bs on you, but still gets to do cool stuff with friends or on weekends? No way.<br><br>
As for the outfit thing..... take Sunday evenings to check the five day forecast and have your child put together a week's worth of clothes. This is what we do and it works great. None of the last minute, where is my fill in the blank?</div>
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I agree with most of what you say, but my husband will hit the roof when he finds out I drove her to school while ds took the bus. And I've tried taking away the fun stuff on the weekend, but then our whole weekend is full of her asking if she can do various things, and me telling her, 'no, you lost those privileges when you didn't get ready on time.' She nags all weekend to try and get her way, which is a trait she inherited from her bio mom, so I'm told.<br><br>
What would you do when she repeatedly nags the rest of us because she's lost her privileges? It always ends up escalating to the point where either dad or I lose it. I don't feel like she should spend her whole weekend in her room, but if the rest of us want to watch a movie and she's lost tv privileges, what do we do? We've tried on other occasions waiting for her to perform a task so we could all watch a movie together, and she can't finish in time for the event to even be possible. But if we watch without her, she pouts and nags all day. It isn't fair for her to ruin everything by either being late or pouting because she got left out due to her own behavior. And then we have all these days with her mad and pouty, and me annoyed that she just doesn't get it, and ds irritated because he doesn't get to do things either.<br><br><br>
8(
 

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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>Ruthla</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/7941485"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">I'm wondering about the motor skills question. Dance moves are gross motor skills. Dressing is a combination of gross motor and fine motor skills. Is it possible she has a physical problem with fine motor skills, or with combining gross and fine motor skills together?</div>
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that could be. I'm going to touch on that with the LD testing people.
 

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Ok read the rest of your replies, I think it's a family dynamic that is causing her to be late at everything. I would take the family to counseling. This doesn't sound like she just has poor time managment or is a slow poke or not getting enough sleep. It sounds like there are power struggles happening at home and she is exerting her control over her life by being late. Punishment is not likely to solve what is happening here IMO.
 

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I wouldn't keep her out of family fun activities, such as watching a movie together, but you can still not let her have computer time, or take away other priveledges. Or not punish her at all. If the punishments seem to be completely unrelated to the "crimes", and the punishements are just causing more stress, then how about ditching the punishments and taking more time to just connect with her? Maybe she'll have an easier time co-operating with you if she's not always so mad at you.
 
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