[famousmockngbrd]

My DS is 19 months old. I want my expectations of him to be developmentally appropriate but I also have an eye to the future and want to be consistent. In other words, I don't want X behavior to go unaddressed because he's so young, and then suddenly when he's 3 the axe falls and he's wondering why it's suddenly not OK to do X when it has been for his whole life so far, kwim?

For instance, he recently decided he is done with his high chair and wants to sit at the table on a regular chair. No booster seat or anything, just nose level with the table. The only problem with it is he leaves the table a couple of times during the meal and wanders off to play or whatever, then comes back after a few minutes and eats a few more bites of dinner then he's down again. Actually, he really only does this during the second half of the meal - at the beginning he's usually hungry and he sits and eats, it's only when he starts getting full that he does this. OK, so as I am typing this I am thinking, "So what? This is totally normal behavior." And it is, I know that - but I feel like I should set some ground rules for dinner now, so it doesn't come as a total shock when he's suddenly a preschooler and he isn't allowed to get up and down from the table at will anymore. What I want to convey is that he can leave the table any time he wants, but that means he is done eating. I know this is a heavy concept for a 19 month old to grasp, and I certainly don't want to deprive him of food to make a point.

I am using the dinner table just as an example of my overall problem. I want to be upfront with him about what I expect from him, and I don't want that to change drastically as he gets older. But I don't want to put too much on him at too young an age before he is ready for it. Any advice/insights??

 

[Embee]

I think it's entirely appropriate to engage in an age appropriate environment. As kids grow, age and mature, rules do change, and kids being so darned smart and observant have an excellent ability to understand this. When DS was 18 months, he was allowed to jump on the couch. At 3.5 (bigger and heavier, and coffee table has been put back), it's no longer safe. OTOH, At 18 months he was not able to help me cook or bake in the kitchen--just too dangerous. But 2 1/2 or so, he's welcome to help me whenever he likes, even stir things at the stove with supervision.

I remembering feeling just as you do now. But DS has taught me more than anything else that it's important to live in the moment and conduct yourself for what the moment calls for. Kids really and truly can accept that rules and expectations change (for every door that closes...). I'm really starting to trust this progression now that we're beyond the toddler years. Age appropriateness is important--not expecting beyond their capabilities is key in decreasing frustrations, which can begin to run high around that second half of the second year. In other words, pick your battles.

As to your specific situation, your dinnertime scenario sounds just about as ours was at 19 months and we just went with it. They are also SO DARNED WIGGLY! They just can't be expected to do as we do when their bodies just aren't there yet. Anyway, as time went on, DS sat for longer periods of time and ate more of the foods that I prepared for dinner. What I found to be very helpful as he became more verbal was making sure that DS was a part of the dinner conversation, really engaging him in the dinnertime talk. DH and I have a habit of rambling to each other and this is when DS loses interest. (I should make a note here: that this last paragraph comes with the disclaimer: that I currently have a 3 1/2 year old who gave up naps a few months back. Dinner time is back to being rather colorful and well, short. I expect as with all things, this will change with the passing of time and maturity on his part. And of course, patience on our part.)

The best to you and hang in there!

 

[famousmockngbrd]

Thanks, Embee -

Admittedly this is a problem I have wrestled with - thinking too much about A leading to B and then to C and D and so on until he is 35 and his life is a wreck and he never gets invited to dinner parties because I didn't make him sit at the table until he was done eating when he was a toddler! :LOL *sigh*

 

[mocha09]

Quote:

Originally Posted by famousmockngbrd Thanks, Embee - Admittedly this is a problem I have wrestled with - thinking too much about A leading to B and then to C and D and so on until he is 35 and his life is a wreck and he never gets invited to dinner parties because I didn't make him sit at the table until he was done eating when he was a toddler! :LOL *sigh*

:

Oh, the ways our minds wander! This morning I had a vision of my dd as an adult, still eating sand when she goes to the beach...

 

[Embee]

LOL Famous. I do totally understand that line of thinking. Being a card-carrying dweller and borrower of trouble, I hear ya! It's been a true challenge for me to learn to live in the moment, but it's been one worth taking on.

 

[Piglet68]

You know, I think we got this drummed into us from the older generation...

"If you don't do X now, they'll NEVER learn".

Apply this to weaning from the breast, cosleeping, potty training, you name it. Sometimes it just borders on the ridiculous.

I have had to dispense of this notion. I firmly believe it is bogus, and yet I found myself feeling the same things "oh, i've got to put a stop to this now", or "it won't be fair to allow this now, but not later".

Well, you know what? That's just plain stupid. A 3 year old is very capable of understanding a rule, even if it is a new rule. And it doesn't have to "appear out of nowhere" b/c the fact is these things are never that black-and-white. It's not like your kid will be leaving the table every five minutes for years until one day you say "stay for the whole meal!".

Instead, they stay for longer and longer periods, and as they mature and can handle certain restrictions you add them.

I keep waiting for my kid to be like "HEY, I used to be able to throw food on the floor" or "I used to be able to dump my crayons and walk away"...but you know what? That just never happens. Kids adapt to situations. And if they ever DO ask, you can explain to them (it's okay for a little baby to leave the table, but not older kids), etc.

So I say let your kid do his thing and just trust in your heart that it won't be this way forever. And that, if the time comes when he's older and still doing it and you decide to make a new rule about it, you can portray that to him in a way that is fair and reasonable.

The old adage "you can't teach an old dog new tricks" does NOT apply to anyone under 10, IMO!