[jess5377]

So, I haven't told my mother yet (we're planning on telling our parents at the end of the 1st trimester and on Mother's Day), but I'm *dreading* it.

Here's why: I don't want her to come out here.

She's going to want to come either for the birth or right after and I don't want her to. The woman stresses me out to no end and I know she'll take almost as much "looking after" as the baby.

She was here for Christmas and I actually found myself looking up hotels in the hopes that I could escape to one for the last 3 days of her visit. And yet, she seems to think our relationship is hunky-dory, which is why I'm pretty sure she's going to want to show up on our doorstep.

How do I tell her "no, please don't" without totally devastating her?

 

[Lily's_Mom]

Fudge your due date a bit when you tell her, so by the time she comes out to visit your baby will already be a few weeks old.

My mom planned to fly out to visit us when I was 40 weeks pregnant. She arrived right around my due date, and left a little over a week later...and I was still pregnant! Though she didn't get to meet dd til she was 4 months old

This time around, my MIL and BIL want to fly here from Germany as soon as the baby is born! We really liked having the first week after the birth to ourselves, so we'll take into account the possibility of going 15 days overdue again and tell them to book their tickets for a week after THAT!

Good luck!

 

[ShwarmaQueen]

I like the PP idea of fudging the dates a few weeks. As much as I believe in grandparents rights, I don't think she has the right to interfere with your birth plans. And you could also politely refuse her "staying and helping" and tell her your DH has it covered.

Hope it works out mamma.

 

[Shanti_Mom]

I think you need to just be honest with her, in a tactful and loving way. Tell her that you would prefer to be given time alone with your hubby and baby for that first week or two, but if something comes up where you'll need her help you'll be sure to let her know.

I wish I had this problem to even worry over. My own mom died almost 8 months ago, and this is my first pregnancy ever without her here. She also attended all my other births. Now I have to deal with my MIL actually living in town for this pregnancy and birth....and although she means well, she does drive me nuts. I just want my own mommy.

 

[Lily's_Mom]

Shanti_Mom

 

[lulu1213]

shanti mom

OP, you're due in november, right? could you suggest to your mom that she make the trip in mid to late december, as you'd really like her to be there for baby's first christmas? that would give you a month or so...

there's a saying...
a visitor is always a pleasure, if not when they arrive, at least when they leave.

 

[mommy2jonah]

I would just be honest with her. I know that will be the hardest thing but in the end it will be the best. She needs to know that your family needs this bonding time just you guys. She will probably be hurt at first but she will get over because she will want to see her grandbaby. Hope it goes well for you!

 

[Doberbrat]

Just tell her you'll let her know when you're ready for visitors. I feel strongly that the first few weeks are for immediate family only. I Told my mother the same thing for the same reasons.

She hung up on me and didn't speak to me for several weeks. I was, quite frankly, delighted.

In the end, we went to see them about 5w after dd was born so we could see everyone. It was the trip from hell - 15h driving w/2 dogs and a nb. But it worked for us.

She came for the next Easter.

Might as well set the boundaries now b/c it can get worse. You're going to be the Mommy now and must do as you see fit for YOUR family.

On the plus side, I have to say that since having dd, my relationship w/my mother has smoothed out. I'm quite firm in her butting out and she tends to focus on dd and therefore leaves me the heck alone.

This time since I'm due end of Nov, I think I'll just tell her to come for Christmas. I think I'll have labor etc covered w/a couple of friends and it'll be easier that way. FWIW, I haven't told either. last time, I waited till I was 5mo along to tell her.

I often wish we had the relationship that Shanti-Mom apparently had but I just do the best I can with what I have to work with.

: it'll work out.

 

[shakenbake]

ugh i love my mom but my MIL is SOO stuck up im trying to figure out how to tell EVERYONE i want ONLY my mother and my DH at the hospital this time and they will get a phone call and be let in when I want them there last time my ex was there my mm his mom my sister her bf any like 5 other people all holding the baby as i was being sticthed up its like GET OUT! i want to be nice but its driveing me nuts them all makeing plans and not even asking me

 

[brightonwoman]

My mom and I have a great relationship, but I never did want her at my births, and thankfully it's never been an issue (ie, she couldnt' have made it even if she/I had wanted her to because she lives too far away and still has kids at home). I would have loved to have her or MIL visit shortly after to help with cooking and so on, but we are blessed to have good relationships with both of them. I can totally see how a different type of relationship would add stress and strain rather than comfort, and that is NOT what you need right after birth!

*SO, I think being very vague about your due date is probably good.
*I think telling her that you need/want private time with just DH and the baby for a while is a good idea. Can he get paternity leave or anything? If so, that's a good excuse--he can get the time off and you wouldn't *need* her until later, so let's be smart and space things out

*if you're ok with having her come later, I think telling her straight up that you would prefer that she come at Christmas/New Years is a good idea.
*If you genuinely don't want her to come at all, is there a time when she could come (post-christmas lower airfares?) because she will want to see the baby, and if you can stand it that's only fair to her...
*I wouldn't get confrontational about it if you don't have to...but I wouldn't let her be pushy about it either. Did she have *her* mother around when her babies were born? A lot of women like that, and she may be assuming that you want her there. The only way she'll know that you don't is if you tell her.

My parents always waited as long as possible to tell my paternal grandmother because she was (is) uber-nosey and would get all freaked out every time they planned a homebirth (which they did 8 times). She lived 800 miles away and never visited, so it wasn't hard to keep the secret. She was probably hurt over them not telling her until well into the pregnancy(ies), but she was obnoxious, you know?
this is YOUR baby to make decisions for, and if you feel that your mother would be a toxic influance on the situation, then you are well within yoru rights to do whatever it takes to keep her out of the situation.

 

[jess5377]

Thanks for the advice everyone. I'm thinking (gentle) honesty is probably the best option, along with the suggestion that she come after Christmas airfares have gone down.

Or...maybe I can convince her to stay put by planning a trip back home in January or February with the baby? That way, I'm there on my terms and have the freedom to come and go as I please (when she's in my house, well, she's in my house and I can't really get away unless I sit at the library for 3 hours, which, yes, I totally did during her last visit).

I moved all the way across the continent for a reason....

(Shanti_Mom: I lost my dad last year too, it's hard. I hope she's there with you in some way.)

 

[pjs]

You could always ask her to stay in a hotel when she comes. The postpartum period is such a new time, even guests who say they'll stay out of the way and help do still get in the way.

My ILs tried to force their way into a visit with my 2nd. We had told them many times no visitors until 2+ weeks after the birth. They called us within 24 hours of the birth and said "we got a really good hotel deal and were able to get a room"- at that time of year, hotel rooms are very hard to come by here- we'll bring a lasagne. That quickly turned into them wanting my dh to leave me with a newborn and a 2 yr old so he could go have drinks with them at the hotel. The pp hormones were raging and I called them and told them no way, no how. Even my parents, who made a vague attempt at being helpful, said they'd bring lunch. Well, when they finally showed up with "lunch" at 3:30, they ate, dirtied dishes, and left a mess. Um, no thanks.

 

[by-the-lake]

Quote:

Originally Posted by pjs Even my parents, who made a vague attempt at being helpful, said they'd bring lunch. Well, when they finally showed up with "lunch" at 3:30, they ate, dirtied dishes, and left a mess. Um, no thanks.

Yikes!