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Discussion Starter #1
Hi guys.<br><br>
We are visiting my parents next week. My parents are going to watch Goo and Moo in the mornings while we catch up on sleep.<br><br>
How do I bring up the "please don't hit my kids" request? My parents see nothing wrong with spanking, but I don't want them to use any corporal punishment with my kids.<br><br>
I don't want this to be a big deal. Just a simple, "BTW we don't hit, so if Goo gets over wound, just talk to her calmly. She will usually calm down then", but some how that doesn't sound right.<br><br>
I don't want to say "Don't dare spank my kids" because that is contentious. I don't even know if my parents would do that (though I suspect from my nephews' conversations about Poppa Ray).<br><br>
How would you approach it without causing any stress or putting them on the defense?
 

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That's a tough one. I think I'd say something like "thanks so much for offering to watch the girls in the morning. if you run into any altercations, please don't hesitate to ask us." or maybe "it's really important to us that the girls be disciplined in a consistent manner - if you have any questions about how we handle things please don't hesitate to ask us"...<br><br>
my parents have been really great at following our lead and doing as we do. you'd think people who have had children would know better than to go and discipline someone else's kids, huh?
 

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My parents lived thousands of miles away when my two oldest were young. They spanked my sister and I frequently. It didn't take them long to realize I didn't spank and that my kids responded to words. I never had to ask them not to hit.<br><br>
My MIL hit her other grandchildren several times an hour. I did tell her that she was to never hit my kids and they were never there alone until they were teens.
 

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My mother threatened to spank my son a couple of days ago. Since she didn't actually do it, I waited for a few minutes to pass so ds wouldn't hear. Then I said, "please don't threaten to do something when you're not going to do it." She said, "Oh, but I will." And I said, "Oh, no, you won't." We had a silent standoff for a few minutes. But then I said, "Mom, let me start again. What I'm trying to say is..." Then I went on to give her a run-down of gentle discipline techniques. She was actually receptive, and interested. Then a few days later I heard her threaten to sit my son down on the couch if he continued whatever it was that got on her nerves that time. Not ideal (we don't use threats at all) but better. The thing that kills me is that DS doesn't need threats. Just a simple explanation ("We don't throw toys down Granny's steps because they might scratch the wood") usually is all it takes. Oh well.<br><br>
This wasn't an attempt to hijack your thread, I just wanted to say that you always have to stand up for your kids. Maybe before you get there, could you talk to your parents? Could you bring it up in a non-personal way, by saying "When I was growing up spanking was all that parents knew to do, but now research has shown that spanking isn't the most effective way to discipline. So I wanted to let you know how we handle situations so that when you're watching the girls you'll be able to handle them the way they're used to."
 

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I guess I just feel very differently about this. I was hit as a child, too. There is no way in @#$! that my child would be alone with someone about whom I was unsure if they hit. Even if there was a small chance. No amount of sleep (and believe me, I need sleep) is worth the tiniest chance that my son get hit.<br><br>
And I have no care in the world if I come off as contentious to people who might hit my child. I do understand you're looking to avoid the off-putting that assertive demands can create. But I wouldn't *avoid* outright stating that my child is not to be hit just to stroke an abuser's ego.<br><br>
Good luck to you and family...
 

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Wow- tough situation! I would do a couple things.<br>
- Bring up your views on GD at a neutral time. Let them know that you don't spank, and that you don't want anyone else doing it either.<br>
- Really stress what someone else said- "Please don't hesitate to come and get me if you need me to disciplien ****"<br>
- If I was really truly worried, I would forgo sleeping in.
 

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My parents occasionally spanked us when we were kids, but they would never consider hitting any children who aren't theirs. Your parents are probably the same. I know of very few people who would consider it appropriate to spank a child who didn't belong to them. Maybe, grandparents are different, though.
 

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Don't follow the advice that suggests you assume things are safe and that your parents probably wouldn't even think of spanking your child unless you don't care if your child gets hit. Since this is a possibility, you need to deal with it to ensure that it doesn't come to pass. Do they use e-mail? You could send one ahead of time. Or, less honestly, you could give them something typed up saying that you give it to anyone who takes care of your kids so that they know how you expect them to be disciplined.<br><br>
There are nice ways to state your beliefs. If your parents have a problem with you telling them in a gentle way that your children are not to be physically punished in any which way, that is really their problem. I know you want to avoid hurting their feelings, but there is nothing wrong with telling someone what they need to know to take care of your children properly.<br><br>
Good luck!
 

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Mmmmmhhh....<br>
It is nice to sleep in and I am sure you and DH need some time together. We sure do....So, I would make an effort to make it work out.<br>
I really do think that a lot of people from my parents generation spanked because they did not know any other way. So, why not try and sit down with them when the children sleep and just say you have been thinking a lot about your children's education, and you are trying an approach which is working in fact very well with your kids' personality.<br>
I would take care to explain how you do things in your house without in the beginning stating that you would like them to also do things this way. Just tell them as if you are opening up your heart to them. As a daughter. Tell them frankly what things that you do work best, others where you feel you have still work to do with one of the children. Tell them episodes. Why not show a video of a particularly cute part of your day.<br>
At the end of all this talking you will have understood how they feel and if you have the slightest suspicion that they may spank, take turns with DH for sleeping in. Another possibility to have some time off if you are not sure how they will treat the kids is minimize possibilities for conflicts. For example, if they are going to a park: help prepare the kids and show up at the park when it is time to go home. Enjoy the time off while they are swinging and sliding ... nothing major should be happening.
 

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Discussion Starter #10
THanks for all of the advice guys.<br><br>
Here's what happened:<br><br>
The first day, we got to sleep until 8. Then everyday after that, it went downhill because my mom didn't know how to handle Moo (like PICK HER UP if she is crying?)<br><br>
Anyway, One day, Goo had a 2 year old moment (from being told "don't touch" the 10 millionth time) and hit me in the face. She then buried her face into my chest (her reaction when she hits me and didn't mean to, but just couldn't control it)<br><br>
We talked and she ran off to her room. Mom said "The super nanny says to just swat them back" I replied that I would NEVER hit my child. Mom argued that just once wouldn't hurt. The evil Dr. Foo stepped in (I love this man) and said that he wasn't super and if you can justify one hit, you can justify infinite numbers and we weren't willing to do that to our kids.<br><br>
They got the message.<br><br>
Dr. Foo also explained to my Dad that we are raising the kids to be respectful, but to not take any gruff from anyone. Of course, the problem is they won't take gruff from us either, but that is not a bad thing...<br><br>
THanks again for all of your advice. It was a stressful trip, but it wasn't a disaster!
 

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I'm glad the trip wasn't too bad. And kudos to Dr. Foo for standing up as well.<br><br>
I will never understand how some people think hitting is a great way to teach a child not to hit. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/headscratch.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="headscratch">
 
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