Mothering Forum banner

1 - 5 of 5 Posts

·
Registered
Joined
·
408 Posts
Discussion Starter #1
Hi everyone. I am seeking advice on what I can do to reconcile the differences my husband and I have when it comes to disciplining our child.<br><br>
I have read quite a few parenting books and am leaning very much towards Attachment Parenting and Gentle Discipline.<br><br>
My husband on the other hand doesn't really have time or interest in reading the books. He disciplines and parents kind of off the cuff...meaning, he follows his instincts, which are heavily based on how his parents raised him and sometimes his patience/mood at the time:<br><br>
...Lots of "No!"<br>
...Lots of "that's bad" or "bad!"<br>
...Some yelling or voice raising<br>
...Some swatting (not spanking but still...)<br><br>
I would very much like my husband to do more distracting, calming, explaining, etc.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
484 Posts
Oooh, I've gotta send my wife to this post! I'm sure she has good ideas, I can tell I'm slowly changing. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/orngtongue.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="Stick Out Tongue">
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,933 Posts
I don't know what you have tried, but most of the guys I know will respond a lot better to a logic and results based arguement over an emotional plea.<br><br>
If you yell at your child to get your point across, how do you think they are going to try to get their point across? Probably in the way that they have been taught.<br><br>
If you say "no" the best case scenario is that you can get them to stop now. If you explain WHY then you can prevent this and other similar things from hapening in the future.<br><br>
The more you TEACH the easier your job as a parent becomes. Negativity, restrictions, and hitting are awfully ineffective at teaching.<br><br>
The world works on compromise and communications. When you deal in absolutes like "NO" and "BAD" and physical intimidation, you cut out compromise and cut short communication. You stunt your child's ability to make acceptable decisions and prolong your responsibility as their proxy decision maker.<br><br>
Teaching them how to live is a much more effective strategy than teaching them how not to live.<br><br>
I come from a family of people who know how to follow instructions, but could not imagine a creative solution. It is exhausting just being around them.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,458 Posts
Yes, we so go though this at our house. I am very "laid back" alternative solutions, while DH tends to be more "traditional" and athoritive in his parenting style. We are always working on meeting on a middle-ground that we both agree with.<br><br>
If I find something seems a little more "harsh" then i am ok with, I explain why I think that reaction is not ok, and then provide an alternative way to handle the situation. If DD has been told by DH several times to put something away, and each time they both get a little more frustrated at each other. I might step in and let DH know that DD may be confused to what exactly he is asking her to do. Then ask him if he could please show her exactly what is expected. Showing and helping, instead of telling works great in our house.<br><br>
I basicly explain how I feel, why the other way of discipline is not working, and a solution of how to fix it. Then i spend time explaining why it works later. I learned why and how gentle discipline works in child development classes and in books, so I just pass the information on. Once its explained and is shown to work, then DH tends to use it more often.<br><br>
Oh and DH loves the Hathor the Cow Goddess cartoons and website, and many of her drawings are based on great gentle discipline ideas. You might want to share some of those with him.<br><br>
Its not perfect, and we still struggle on days to keep things on a middle ground, but things keep getting better and better.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
322 Posts
I know that with my DH (who, while he doesn't intellectually believe in spanking or belittling, and understands about GD, still has residuals from a very authoritative father), most discussions of discipline between us devolve into huge fights.<br><br>
This is mainly because i'm so emotionally invested in the discussion that i become the absolute WORST advocate for GD. it's hard for me to be reasonable about it - and i become decidedly NOT gentle with DH, which defeats my whole argument...<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/greensad.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="greensad"><br><br>
If it's at all possible, try to get your husband to read a book that was particularly meaningful to you - for us it was <i><b>kids are worth</b></i> it because it was more of a "way of being" with your kids as opposed to specific scenarios and rules. he told me it made him realize how what he said could SOUND like to and be interepreted by DS.<br><br>
Whatever book you pick, leave it somewhere easy and neutral - like the bathroom, or the kitchen table, or by the bed or his computer. Or pick it up and read it yourself and read outloud a passage that strikes you.<br><br>
Just for me, i know it's something my DH and I have a hard time talking rationally about, even when we DO agree, because of the emotions and baggage involved.<br><br>
a book as intermediary has been very useful. even if it's just a passage here and there.
 
1 - 5 of 5 Posts
Top