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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
I feel as if I can't make decisions in my babies life and future.<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/greensad.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="greensad"> See, I live with my family because the father doesn't want to be in the pic and they are helping me with everything. I feel very blessed to have them for that but I feel that my beliefs are very different. Which can be an ongoing battle.<br>
In fact as I am typing we are discussing things. Like the episotomy. She says that it is needed. I guess because she had it done but I wish that there was a way that I can calmly educate her. My mother is the type of person that thier is no changing her mind and she is always right.<br>
If there is any advice from anyone to help. I would appreciate it. I just want to raise my son the way I belief and not my mother but at the same time I don't want to upset her. I mean I respect her and I love her but some of the ways she raised me are not the way I want to raise my son and she wants me to raise him the way she feels.<br>
Another example, is breastfeeding. I want to al least breastfeed my son for 2 yrs. My mother was apalled and she keeps saying things like my boobs are going to be saggy and ugly. Then she says that it is disgusting and wrong to have my son drinking from my breast at that age.<br>
My mother is also very itimating <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hide.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hide">: and no matter how much I argue with her it just doesn't seem to get through and my mother turns it around on me. Please, help me I am so torn right now and any advice will help me.<br><br><br><img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/belly.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="belly"> with first <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/img/vbsmilies/smilies/babyboy.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="Babyboy">: going to have a <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/img/vbsmilies/smilies/waterbirth.jpg" style="border:0px solid;" title="Waterbirth">: in May
 

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I am soooooo sorry that she is being so unsupportive of your wants<br>
(((((((((HUGS)))))))))) The only thing I know to do is to sit and have<br>
a heart to heart with her and basically in a nice way tell her to shut up<br>
and please listen bc there is a certain way that you want to raise your<br>
son and if she doesn't like it that is too bad and could she please keep<br>
her comments to herself bc it really hurts you for her to be that way.<br>
She is going to have to understand that this is YOUR child and not hers<br>
and you are going to raise him the way you want to regardless of what<br>
she says so I mean tell her thanks for the advise and oppinions but enough<br>
is enough and you are doing what you want to do and you would really<br>
appreciate her acceptance of that regardless of her oppinions. It isn't like<br>
she can change what you are going to do anyways but I know how bothersome it can be and how it can really stress you to have a loved one<br>
be that way. Maybe if you don't feel that you can sit and have a heart to<br>
heart with her then try writing her a letter and give it to her and then tell<br>
her you will be back in a little while that way she has no choice but to listen.<br>
I really hope you can work things out with her. I mean what is she going to<br>
do throw a fit bc they don't give you an episiotimy??? My doc will only do it<br>
to keep you from tearing but if you don't need it he surly isn't going to cut<br>
you anyways....and about the bfing is she going to spend the next 2yrs on<br>
your butt bc you are doing something so wonderful for your child? She really<br>
needs a reality ck and those are the only 2 things I can think of is either<br>
sitting her down and being strong and basically telling her to shut up and listen to you or write her a letter....anyways Good Luck!
 

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I think ellymay has made some excellent points mama. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/nod.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="nod"> People often get defensive and angry at the choices someone else makes because they have issues with their own decisions. You have to do what is best for you and your son. I can understand how you may feel obligated to them but your first and most important obligation is to your baby boy. I hope that you are able to get into a better position soon, one where your feelings and views will not be attacked every time they differentiate from what someone else would do or wants you to do. <b>You're</b> the mama. This is <b>your</b> baby. I'm so sorry that your family is stressing you out like this. Especially at such an emotional time in your life. Big hugs to you. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug"><img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/img/vbsmilies/smilies/hug2.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="Hug2"><img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug"> Let us know how things are going.
 

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I was sixteen when I got pregnant with my firts child, and his father disappeared and has never seen him.<br><br>
Luckily, my parents were supportive of some of the things I wanted, such as breastfeeding and natural birth. But we had huge religious difference, and big differences on education.<br><br>
Its still a struggle, but its gotten better. I realized that I had to stay calm, because it was the only way I could even have a chance of getting my point across. If I got upset, they would just use it to support their views.<br><br>
I got good books, and gave them to them to read, which did help. Try also looking up research that shows that episotomies are not helpful, and that even natural tearing is better for the mother. Give them hard facts. Print things out and hand it to them, in a gentle way. I was kind, but persistant. Even though they helped me with a lot, my son was still mine.<br><br>
I also had to learn how to pick my battles. Some things just aren't worth fighting over, and you can quietly just say "um hum,' and then go ahead and do what you want.<br><br>
I think Dr. Sears writes really good, easy to understand, middle of the road books, such as the Birth Book, and the Baby Book (a must have). Maybe you could take time to read half a chapter of the Baby Book every day with your mom?<br><br>
I hope it works out well. Good luck!
 

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I am in this huge "acceptance" phase of life. You may have to accept the fact that she is not going to change her mind. My mother has not. It doesn't matter how much I "educate" her or show her the stats etc. She has issues with just about everything we do.<br><br>
If your mother is like that too (won't change her mind) then the only thing you can do is get support from outside the home! Start going to local La Leche League meetings now (to meet other BF'ing mothers), Find out about Attachment Parenting groups in your area. Try your tribal forum to find like-minded moms near you. Having them in your life, re-affirming what you believe, will help keep you strong against opposing views.<br><br>
Hugs to you and your baby!<br><br>
Traci
 

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Honestly, I would say to stop trying to "convince" her. Because as previous posters suggested, you probably won't be able to and all it will do is lead to conflict. Make your own decisions and don't consult her about them. If she asks, say "I am doing X." If she objects, say: "I appreciate your input, but I'm the mother. I will make the decisions for my child." And leave it at that--attempting to justify yourself only makes it seem as though the issues are open for debate and they will provide your mom with a forum to try to convince YOU. And, as someone else said, get as much support as you can outside the home--La Leche League, this board, an attachment parenting group in your area, whatever.<br><br>
Good luck!
 

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Ugh... if she wants another episiotomy, let her get one! My dad even advocates against episiotomies, he witnessed my mom being cut three times. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/greensad.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="greensad"> I had one my first birth and they are awful... it's not your mom's perineum.<br><br>
As for breastfeeding, I would print out the AAP amd WHO guidelines and say, I'm doing what I believe is right, please support me or don't say anything at all.<br><br>
I hope they come around, how difficult it must be since you live with them!
 

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That sounds like a difficult situation. It can be very difficult to justify parenting decisions to those who don't understand (and who are often defensive about the choices that they made). My advice is to recognize that you don't need anyone's permission to raise your children the way that you feel is best. It's a point in your life where your role as a <b>mother</b> needs to take priority over your role as a <b>daughter</b>. Easier said that done, but probably agreeing to disagree will be easier than convincing sceptics. I hope that you can surround yourself with supportive folks. Definitely check out the local "find your tribe" thread here at MDC. I strongly recommend a book called Whole Child/Whole Parent. It's about growing into being a parent - emotionally and spiritually. Hang in there!
 

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My mother must be about the same age as yours-we have had the same problems. Mostly only with my 1st child though. She has gotten used to the way I do things over the years. I am sure she laughs or thinks I am crazy behind my back-but honestly I feel the same way about some of her ideas-so I totally understand. Some ways of thinking can not be changed. I homeschool,home birth, breast feed etc. with my first I let her talk me out of BF but I was really young. I really regret that. With my second I knew my intentions were to cosleep for as long as week could, homebirth, BF etc. But I didn't say much about it to her. She knew my plans for the present but I didn't push my extended plans. After a while she caught on that I was Bfing longer than many-she wpuld occasionally mention it but time goes by and people get over things as they become a way of life. So maybe by just letting things happen as you do them your way she will see the wisdom in them over time.<br>
As for the episiotomy that is between you and your health professional-she won't be the one getting it so she won't even notice the absence of it until after the birth and she asks you.<br>
good luck-mothers can really hold on to their beliefs-after all they have waited a long time to pass this knowledge on. It is hard to see that knowledge has changed and that our children question our decisions regarding how we cared for them. I am sure my sons will have differing opinions than me-and I will probably get my feeling hurt-hopefuly I will get over it though. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/smile.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="smile"><br>
gretchen
 

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How about, it's my labor, let me do it my way, said in a nice way? I understand things worked for you, but I want to learn through my own experience.
 

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Discussion Starter · #11 ·
Thank you all for your advice and I will take each one into consideration and as time goes by I will let you know how everything goes. I love this site. It is nice to know that I am not alone in my decisions. So, far I have been keeping my views to myself as to not cause conflict as I am dealing with enough as it is. Question: What is some good research on the vaccinations? I am finding that I am confused on this issue. Thanks a million.<br><br><br><img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/belly.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="belly"> with my first<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/img/vbsmilies/smilies/babyboy.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="Babyboy">: and having a <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/img/vbsmilies/smilies/waterbirth.jpg" style="border:0px solid;" title="Waterbirth">: in May
 

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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>babyblue107</strong></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">Thank you all for your advice and I will take each one into consideration and as time goes by I will let you know how everything goes. I love this site. It is nice to know that I am not alone in my decisions. So, far I have been keeping my views to myself as to not cause conflict as I am dealing with enough as it is. Question: What is some good research on the vaccinations? I am finding that I am confused on this issue. Thanks a million.<br><br><br><img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/belly.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="belly"> with my first<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/img/vbsmilies/smilies/babyboy.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="Babyboy">: and having a <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/img/vbsmilies/smilies/waterbirth.jpg" style="border:0px solid;" title="Waterbirth">: in May</div>
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Definitely visit the vaccination board! There are tons of info there!
 
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