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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
While I have had a few friends express concern over my homebirth decision, for the most part the people we've told have been really supportive.<br><br>
However, now I'm sort of afraid that our family members might try to show up and be witnesses to the big event. Pretty much all the family lives within 20 minutes of us.<br><br><i>Part</i> of the reason I decided to homebirth versus hospital birth was that I tend to be really shy and private around a lot of people.<br><br>
My MIL in particular is the kind of person that will be calling several times a day for updates as the due date gets closer. I'm afraid that when we stop answering our phone or if we do and tell them that we're in labor that they just might show up.<br><br>
I really just want it to be me, DH and the midwife. I really don't want other people around until after everything is done and cleaned up and sort of normal.<br><br>
How do I make sure this happens?
 

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If everyone will not respect your decision to stay away (if you choose to ask them too) then I think the only thing you can do is to not answer the phone or the door.<br><br>
That is what I would do. And since you will be in labor, you may have to have someone there that is willing to NOT let anyone in. Like if you DH will cave to his mom, you many need a friend that can just come and "stand guard".
 

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I'd just start not answering the phone a week before your due date <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/smile.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="smile"> Let them come over once or twice thinking you're not answering because you are in labor and be dissapointed. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/smile.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="smile"> Soon enough they'll stop coming by. Then, after delivery, you call them and say LO was born yesterday, would you like to come visit?<br><br>
Ok I dont really know what I'm talking about (just starting to plan for our homebirth) but I thought it was funny<br><br>
-luv
 

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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>luv</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/11585394"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">I'd just start not answering the phone a week before your due date <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/smile.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="smile"> Let them come over once or twice thinking you're not answering because you are in labor and be dissapointed. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/smile.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="smile"> Soon enough they'll stop coming by. Then, after delivery, you call them and say LO was born yesterday, would you like to come visit?</div>
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this is what I'd suggest. I assume you're not going to call people and tell them you're in labor -- so I'd go ahead and stop answering the phone early, if you have voice mail, just put a message on there that you're still gestating, want some extra rest as you get ready to meet your new little one and you'll call people when you have something new to report.<br><br>
Also, make sure DH is aware of this and knows to turn away anyone that just happens to show up. You can also place a sign on the door saying you're still waiting for your little one to arrive, want extra rest right now, and will call when there is something to tell. If anyone shows up before labor, don't answer the door then - or if they're very persistent, I'd politely but firmly turn them away so that they get the point that they aren't welcome to just show up at anytime.
 

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I'm afraid of the same thing happening. When I was pg with dd, we lived a plane ride away from almost everyone in our family. Now, they are within 30-45 minutes! My MIL sounds like yours, and my mom would have that behavior also. So, I think you should make sure your dh is on your "side" and either have him mention to his mom that she can't just show up - that you'll call her when you are ready to have visitors or need help. Repeat that every time she calls in a nice daughter-in-law voice. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/wink1.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="wink1"> During your homebirth, have some music going so that every noise you hear outside won't make you think someone has shown up. It's possible that you would want to tell everyone now - NOT to show up if you stop answering the phone, just in case they assume you are giving them permission to check in personally. I might go ahead and address the behaviors you're fearful of now, instead of waiting. Also make sure to change your voicemail(s) to something like the others have mentioned - that you're resting and will call when the baby arrives. I might do that at 36-38 weeks. Good Luck!!
 

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i'm not terribly concerned about this, as my ILs would be most likely to do it, yet they live 1.5 hrs away and i've been adamant that we will call them.<br><br>
first, i would simply ask them not to call or stop by. let them know that you will tell them when the baby arrives.<br><br>
with this, inform them that you will be screening calls and/or shutting off the phone from a certain date so that you can have a quiet, secure place in which to prepare for birth as a family (DH and yourself).<br><br>
continue with the assertion that anyone who 'stops by' during labor or birth will be turned away by your DH and will not be allowed in the house.<br><br>
for the most part, i think that people will follow clear instructions on what you want--you just have to be willing to assert it fully.<br><br>
i've told my mother that it's to be just DH and I, and she respects that (in fact, she thinks it's the way it "should" be). my MIL is really disappointed to not be invited, but my DH told her the process explicitly.<br><br>
a few people (friends) have tried to invite themselves to the birth, but i've kindly told them that they would not be attending the birth and neither would any family except my husband. it's weird how many people want to invite themselves.<br><br>
i consider birth a very private event; why would i want random people there? <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/smile.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="smile">
 

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I will be drawing the curtains and putting a sign on my door that says "Unless you are the midwife, PISS OFF!!!", just to warn off anyone who randomly happens to stop over for some reason. And my husband will be responsible for enforcing it. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/thumb.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="thumbs up">
 

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Dh and I are afraid of this too. We're constructing signs that are going to say "Please, NO visitors until after x/x/08" to put on our door after the babies are born -long story, but we only want SUPPORTIVE people coming by/helping in the first 2-3 weeks after the babies come and at this moment, the only people that would simply come by unannounced fall into the very much unsupportive category. Although we JUST had to discourage my FIL from simply coming by just saturday - after I had TOLD him that dh and i were staying in for the day resting and didn't feel like having any visitors, he asked if we had a grill. I said no. He says "oh, cuz i'm coming by anyway and bringing some steaks and wanted to grill out!" <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/irked.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="irked">: I had to tell him emphatically that we are TIRED and resting and don't feel like visitors, then I had to wake up DH to tell him the exact same thing. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/img/vbsmilies/smilies/eyesroll.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="roll"> If we get the feeling that he's just going to drop by unannounced, then the sign will be on our front door even earlier than the birth. I also agree with pps suggestions about not answering the phone or door. I'll have enough people at my birth (8 people total!) to fend off unwelcome visitors if they happen to show up unannounced to the birth. I suggest being firm beforehand that with all the rest you need, you need and appreciate advance notice of any visitors (and am going to be taking my own advice).
 

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Sign on the door, turn off the phone ringer, message on the answering machine, cover or disable the door bell. It was obvious that something was going on when dd2 was born, but there was no way that anyone unannounced would have been allowed to just come in. I suppose that certain friends may have been allowed in, but we don't have that type of friends! Who knows what will happen this time ... but this baby is due near Christmas, so I have a hunch everyone will be preoccupied with their own lives.<br><br>
I announced it to my family in the wee hours, when labor began - but they aren't the type to come over uninvited. And if they did, they would have been turned away! Thankfully, everyone waited til we invited visitors. My parents were flying in the next day. (I was so late, we just picked a random date, and it worked out perfectly) My parents and his parents were so very freaked out by the notion of home birth, but we're pigheaded enough that they knew they wouldn't get to SEE the baby if they were snotty.<br><br>
--janis
 

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This post was hugely helpful. I'm trying to figure out how to do this as well. My mom lives about 30 minutes away so I think this time I will have my husband call my mom when I start pushing.<br><br>
I love all my family dearly but they all tend to be hugely imposing. I am fine with being naked and doing this with an audience, but my husband isn't, and I want him to better enjoy this birth then to be so freaked out. He never let on that he was freaked but afterwards talking to him, he really was freaked and couldn't relax and I hope to not have a repeat of that. I'm just envisioning calm and peaceful tub time together, just us.
 

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Share your concerns with your midwife--most don't mind being the "bad guy" and turning away any unwanted visiters.<br><br>
For myself, I'll tell people politely in advance that I need space and privacy during and after the birth. I'll tell them politely one time. If they choose to ignore my reasonable request I reserve the right to not be nice about it.
 

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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>prothyraia</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/11585755"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">I will be drawing the curtains and putting a sign on my door that says "Unless you are the midwife, PISS OFF!!!", just to warn off anyone who randomly happens to stop over for some reason. And my husband will be responsible for enforcing it. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/thumb.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="thumbs up"></div>
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<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/lol.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="lol"> I love it!
 

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ITA with everyone who's suggested to start not answering the phone <i>before</i> your EDD. also, changing your voice mail message is a great idea. i went 2wks over with my dd, and it was hell on earth dealing with all of the stupid, "just calling to see how you're feeling...sooooo...you guys have enough broccoli...you haven't had the baby yet, HAVE YOU?!?" calls that everyone was making. this time we fully intend to do voice mail updates, "hi, this is kelly, we haven't had the baby yet. if you're calling any other reason, besides an update, feel free to leave a message. *BEEP*" we're hoping it will drastically reduce the amnt of well meaning, but totally annoying phone calls we intercept. DH also knows there's a "don't put me on the phone with your family" rule. we don't do a home phone, so if someone wants to talk to me, they can call me on my phone, and i'll decide weather or not i want to answer. i know i might come off a bit over-protective of my privacy, but after feeling so overwhelmed by all of the calls and such last time, i guess i'm just trying my best to protect myself emotionally this time around. it was just really draining to deal with all that silliness. i hope you can find a way to protect yourself from being intruded upon too OP. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug">
 

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I totally agree with mentioning this to your midwife.<br><br>
Also, a doula would be perfect for this. (You could consider hiring a novice one for very little and make her main job simply to be the enforcer, if you didn't actually want her in your face at the birth.)<br><br>
Either way, if it's your MIL you're most worried about, then I agree that your husband's actions are the most important ones. And as long as he understands that, once labor starts, you don't want to see or hear ANYONE but your midwife, then that should automatically extend to his mom.<br><br>
People can be crazy, but in the end it's simple; lock the doors, pull the shades, turn off the phones, and just <i>don't engage</i>. If someone actually stands outside your door harassing you to open up, call the police, seriously.<br><br>
Good luck!
 

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just simply not tell anyone when you go into labor. That's what we did with out hospital birth. Only those who had to know, like my mom who was going to watch the kids.
 

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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>mommathea</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/11587357"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">just simply not tell anyone when you go into labor. That's what we did with out hospital birth. Only those who had to know, like my mom who was going to watch the kids.</div>
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I didn't tell anyone when i was in labour and I had a whole whack of people show up to 'support me'. My supportive person let them in, my midwife did nothing. I ended up going into a rage roughly 30 minutes before I started to push<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/irked.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="irked">: I cleared the room, but I shouldnt have had to do that.<br>
People have a way of sniffing out a women in labour.<br><br>
I would start screening calls, be VERY clear that there will be NO ONE welcome, post a sign, post a a very firm guard at the door, Change your routine, and for me, next time around Im fudging my due dates for a month later than Im really expecting <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/winky.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="Wink">
 

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I also want to suggest that, if it's your MIL who is one of your worries, that you make your feelings very clear to your dh in advance.<br><br>
When I was pregnant with London I thought I'd made it clear who I wanted to attend the birth. When I was in labor MIL showed up and just stayed. She ended up asking dh if she could stay <i>while I was in transition</i>. Talk about overstepping boundaries! I was so overwhelmed that I totally couldn't deal with her so she sat at the end of the bed as I gave birth to dd even though I remember feeling totally inhibited and worried because she was literally sitting right at my business end.<br><br>
I felt completely violated and it really has damaged my relationship with her. DD is 9 years old and I *still* am not completely over her doing that.<br><br>
I prevented her barging in with both of my boys because she watched the kids while I was in labor. This time, though, I'm homebirthing and want my kids around. I've told dh, in no uncertain terms, that his mother is not welcome until <i>after</i> I've had the baby and agree to it.<br><br>
He's totally fine with that (I think he was overwhelmed and everything then, too, so I really don't blame him). But I think it's important to make expectations like that perfectly clear in advance. When you're six centimeters dialated and have contractions coming every couple of minutes is not the time to have that conversation.
 

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People just amaze me...I just would never even think of intruding on such a personal experience for someone and their family! Nor would I feel entitled!<br>
We got all sorts of angry calls from family when we went 3 weeks over that still piss me off to this day. I understand on one hand that they didn't have the information to really know what was up, but on the other hand, being so nosey and pushy sends one message that we are thoughtless parents who have no idea what we are doing...grrr...thats the last thing you want anyone to feel before/during/right after a birth. Well, ever, but especially then!<br><br>
Sorry for the rant, but its just so infuriating. Are they really well meaning? I mean I say this too, but I wonder sometimes. People I know who do this(who are friends and family I love, mind you) do it when they want to feel right, justified, entitled and even gossipy. Perhaps there's care in there somewhere, but its not a primary motivator we give it.<br><br>
Ok, I'll stop now...<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/blush.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="blush">
 

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Discussion Starter · #19 ·
Well thanks for all the advice. I'm pretty sure everyone knows what I want already. I'm just afraid that at the last minute when it comes down to it they'll do what they want and like I said, just show up uninvited.
 

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You are in control here.<br><br>
If you tell them you're going to want privacy ahead of time, then you've done your part.<br><br>
If they choose to ignore you and show up anyway, they deserve to be met with your wrath. Or, simply an unanswered telephone or doorbell.<br><br>
Provided your husband is on board, this really shouldn't be complicated.<br><br>
Good luck.
 
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