[bu's mama]

if you don't know stbx & I are sharing the house until I'm done with school (4 more months). I really dislike this arrangement but I really want to be able to keep my house when all is said and done.

Anyhoo...yesterday I was trying to get some studying done & I overheard him ask dd if she wanted to run some errands with him. Awhile later I hear his car start up, so I went outside to give dd a kiss goodbye and said to E (very calmly) I would appreciate it if you let me know you were leaving. He got all indiginant, said dd told me she said goodbye (which is the quick cover up he's famous for since she was with him for 20 minutes) and I said it's your responsibility, she's 4. He said sorry very sarcastically when I closed the door.

He has done this frequently, leaves with her and then says well I though you knew. I really don't think I'm controlling but dd is 4 & I like to know where she is. I would do the same if she was with my mother for example. I think it is part of respect and I'm thinking he does this just to be an ass & get under my skin.

Am I overreacting? Do you think he should just leave the house with dd without saying anything? Please be honest.

 

[Jilian]

I would be worried if anyone left the house with my child without telling me. You should not have to assume your child is safe with her dad. What if he didn't take her to the store and you assumed he did, and she was actually outside roaming around? I'd want to know too. Even just a quick "Hey, we're running to the store, be back in 15 minutes" is fine. Just SOMETHING to let you know that she is in safe hands and you don't have to go looking for her when you don't hear from her for 5 mins.

 

[annarbor931]

He should let you know himself. The other day, DS let himself out the front door. He unlocked the screen and sat on the porch. He was crying to come in before my Dad figured out he was outside. I went to the pharmacy for my Dad, so I wasn't home. We had no idea he could unlock the door. The point is that kids can wander off or something could happen and I woudl certainly want to know if my kid was leaving the house and that they had returned. It is just normal, and you are not being controlling.

 

[bu's mama]

Thank you Jilian & AnnArbor.

Everything has the potential to piss me off & sometimes I don't know if my anger is directed toward the right thing. I'm trying really hard to be calm and address only major things, but it's so hard to deal with him when he lies, backtracks, puts the onus on Hannah (that one really irks me

: ) or omits any important information.

oohhh, counting the days....

 

[Jster]

Doesn't sound controlling either, I agree with the pp it's a matter of respect.

Unfortunately, I've found that if someone has little respect, there is almost no way you can get them to act as if they do.

I hope someone has a good idea about how to communicate to a non-responsive person!

 

[TAC]

I think it is a small thing to be upset about. I think leaving without saying anything, the child is gone and you have no idea, that is wrong. But you heard them say goodbye, and you could have simply looked out the window to be sure dd was with him. I think you feed right into his hands by reacting and saying anything. If you knew they were going, I wouldn't have said anything at all. That just made it worse.

As far as speaking with someone to get respect I'm at a loss. Any suggestions, let me know.

 

[bu's mama]

Thanks for the additional replies.

Quote:

Originally Posted by rmcarons ...But you heard them say goodbye, and you could have simply looked out the window to be sure dd was with him...

But they didn't say goodbye. I overheard the initial converstation when I was upstairs and he was downstairs talking to dd so he had no clue that I even heard that part. I was studying up in my room (in the front of the house) when I heard his car start up.

I think have one of the things the lawyer said stuck in my head, about if you accept certain behaviors and don't do anything about them you can't really bring them up during divorce proceedings. They'll just say, well you accepted that before, why should it be any different now. I hope that makes sense. I feel like I have to say something, to have it established that his behavior is unacceptable.

 

[Autumnschild]

I wouldn't think of leaving with the children without mentioning that we were going. Nor would I leave without them without saying I was going and they would be staying. Because you never know, when we get our wires crossed, a child could be overlooked. It is best not to assume when it comes to children. If you come to accept this kind of behavior, then what happens if dd does dissappear and you waste the time you could be looking for her because you assume she is with him?

It is hard to say anything to him right now, I'm sure, without it seeming like a reason to argue. Hang in there.

 

[TAC]

I agree that what he did was wrong. I agree he should have said something to you. but what I'm saying is instead of feeding into his behavior, because he's just trying to rile you, you could have let this situation go and said something to him when they got home, and not in front of dd, which probably made him more defensive.

You have to co-habitat for another 4 months. If you can avoid a confrontation you should. I would expect him to say something to you to, but you know he only did that to piss you off, and it worked.