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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
I believe that a great deal of gd is modelling--showing dc through my example the appropriate way to handle myself, my emotions, conflict, etc. To me, this extends to play. When I play make believe with dd, my characters are always kind, generous, polite, etc. The exception would be when we role-play, and I am giving her a chance to practice responding to another childs poor treatment---but in that case we have discussed "how to" beforehand, and she understands it to be role-play.<br><br>
Dh's play style is very, very different. When he plays make believe, his characters are rude, obnoxious, even violent. They head-butt, wrestle (we don't watch wrestling <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/headscratch.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="headscratch"> ), demand, refuse with loud "NO!", and are generally uncooperative and unpleasant. Very, very aggressive. Dd thinks it is hilarious. So does dh <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/img/vbsmilies/smilies/eyesroll.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="roll"> .<br><br>
Now, at 3, dd is a polite, cooperative, and delightful child, but she does have some aggressive moments. I think these moments are well within normal for her age....but.....how harmful do you think this type of play might be? You know, they are having FUN! And dh is (apparently) reliving his boyhood and really enjoys playing with her, and I don't want to micromanage their relationship. And he *does set a pretty good example for her in their interactions outside of play. And....dd is very good at separating fantasy from reality. But it just seems that exposure to all of these aggressive words/actions *can't be good, and must be undermining our positive efforts on some level.<br><br>
Thoughts?
 

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That's they way daddies are supposed to play.. Daddies are supposed to be more rough and tumble.. They do things we are mommies cringe at.. They are essentually little boys in grow up bodies.. They play like boys.. And let me assure you.. THAT is how my boys play.. I have read that mothers hold our hands and keep us safe, and fathers push us higher.. Fathers test our limits.. They push us past them..<br><br>
Your dh is playing like a boy (which he is) and a daddy.. It's not how you would do it, but with everything.. It doesn't have to be..<br><br>
Enjoy their relationship because it's different than yours.. It's everything it's supposed to be..<br><br>
Warm Squishy Feelings..<br><br>
Dyan<br><img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/thumb.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="thumbs up">
 

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Discussion Starter · #4 ·
Making me feel better!!! <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/love.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="love"><br><br>
"Playful Parenting"....I keep hearing really good things about this book....things that seem applicable to my relationship with dd. I think this will be the next parenting book I invest in.<br><br>
Thanks for the reassuring replies! I have a daughter, 2 sisters, and mostly female cousins, and this "boy behavior" is really very foreign to me! <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/orngbiggrin.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="orange big grin">
 

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I used to be concerned about this very same issue... then DH and I read Playful Parenting together. He got the pleasure of telling me, "See, I told you I'm good at playing with DS!" Me? Very sheepish and extremely appreciative in that our while our playing styles may be different, they compliment each other very well.<br><br>
The thing is, what I've learned is... aggressive play can also be extremely helpful in teaching children about boundaries and in the role play sense can help them work through a miriad of issues. There is however certain guidelines available in Dr. Cohen's book that have helped DH and DS with their more or less aggressive play/wrestling. The details are such that to post them all would be long long long but a few highlights are that if both parties are engaged, making eye contact and most importantly, giggling uncontrollably... thumbs up. If OTOH, the play escalates to a level where there is less and less eye contact, someone is getting hurt and the laughing has ceased, then there is something to be concerned about. DH and DS have a code word when one of them wants to stop (banana cream pie<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/smile.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="smile">). Dr. Cohen mentions not to have codewords of "stop" or "no" because sometimes saying those things is part of the play...<br><br>
We've actually had issue with DS becoming aggressive with playmates from time to time. Recently, he began hitting a playmates baby brother. It was disconcerting at first, but we found through play (my role play and just tuning in kind of play) and DH and DS's wrestling matches, that DS is working through this, is less inclined to be aggressive with playmates and is learning about the boundaries of where anger lies and aggression begins (i.e., healthy outlets for aggressive "fun" behaviors and relying more on his words in situations where he feels truly upset or angry).<br><br>
To say the least, it's been a real eye opener. And DH is gloating every chance he gets. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/orngbiggrin.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="orange big grin">
 

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Discussion Starter · #6 ·
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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>Embee</strong></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">healthy outlets for aggressive "fun" behaviors</div>
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I had considered this....if dd just has some innate aggression (which she does seem to have), the play would give controlled circumstances where it is ok to roar and pummel and whatever.<br><br>
Just to clarify (although I'm not sure it makes a difference), dd and dh don't really "roughhouse" with their own bodies--they act this stuff out with her baby dolls and stuffed animals. And it is never dad or dd saying these rude things--it is the dolls and stuffed animals <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/wink1.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="wink1"> .<br><br>
I guess my only remaining concern is that she is learning so many *new* forms of aggression from the play--like super-rude things to say (including name calling). I guess these are things she would learn from other kids anyway, but it just seems so inappropriate for her to learn them from a parent, kwim?
 

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I used to be uncomfortable with how dh plays with the kids (rough play, more "guy stuff"). But dh isn't me. He is a guy and that's how a lot of them play and relate to their kids. I'm just glad that he's involved with them.
 

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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>sunnmama</strong></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">Just to clarify (although I'm not sure it makes a difference), dd and dh don't really "roughhouse" with their own bodies--they act this stuff out with her baby dolls and stuffed animals. And it is never dad or dd saying these rude things--it is the dolls and stuffed animals <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/wink1.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="wink1"> .<br><br>
I guess my only remaining concern is that she is learning so many *new* forms of aggression from the play--like super-rude things to say (including name calling). I guess these are things she would learn from other kids anyway, but it just seems so inappropriate for her to learn them from a parent, kwim?</div>
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Indeed, using dolls or stuffed animals for this kind of play is the same idea, via a different mode so to speak. Useful in the same way.<br><br>
I tend not to introduce anything new in our play, rather let DS take the lead. This has been a really important way for me to know where DS is at and to allow him to call the shots for awhile--heck knows, I spend most the rest of the day setting the tone. Play gets to be HIS time! <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/orngbiggrin.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="orange big grin"><br><br>
DH does introduce new ways of playing together because this is more his style and I think DS appreciates this in him. DH's main goal is to get DS laughing--another Playful Parenting suggestion: "Follow the Giggle." It sounds like your DH is on the same wavelength there. It also sounds like they have some pretty good fun together. As far as name-calling and such goes, I think perhaps your DH has given your DD a good outlet for this sometimes hilarious mode of play... given that she associates this with dolls, stuffed animals and most importantly, playing with Dad, she's probably got a great outlet for it and won't find it necessary or even make an association to treating friends this way. This is definitely something DH and I've realized since embracing this approach to playing with DS. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/smile.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="smile">
 

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For some children at 3 they come to name calling naturally.<br><br>
But what is nice with this pretending and name-calling he can teach your child wonderful ways to combat it. It is easier to teach this now than when she is heart broken.
 

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Discussion Starter · #10 ·
<div style="margin:20px;margin-top:5px;">
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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>Embee</strong></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">DH's main goal is to get DS laughing</div>
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This is dh exactly <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/orngbiggrin.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="orange big grin"><br><br>
Ok, I'm convinced! It's funny, cause I was actually a little ashamed to post about this--as if the gd mamas were going to say "Your dh does WHAT??!!!" I thought for sure I had the only dh who showed his kiddo how much fun it is to headbutt and karate chop and call baby dolls "bald-head" <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/orngbiggrin.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="orange big grin"><br>
Who knew?!
 

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Oh Sunnmama!<br><br>
I hear ya! I used to spend an awful lot of time micro managing DH, int he name of gentle parenting. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/guilty.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="guilty"><br><br>
It's really so relaxing (for him I'm sure, more than me!), to be able to just let them play, hear them laugh and be oh so grateful for the wonderful, playful father he is. The other night I walked in from taking my shower and DH and DS had tied a stuffed gorilla to the post in our entryway. They were batting it all over the place and in particular, right into the post, all the time singing, "George of the Jungle." <b><i>WATCH OUT FOR THAT TREE!!!!</i></b> <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/nut.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="nut"><br><br>
I reccomend the book (Playful Parenting) whole heartedly by the way. It's a great read, very insightful. I've read several great parenting books, but if I were only to read one, I'd want this one to it.<br><br>
The best,<br><br>
Em
 
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