Do you have a sling? It really cuts down on the amount of time when baby is "available" to the sibling. Does dd have time when she can hold/interact w/baby in a positive way?<br><br>
Something that helped me was to spend some re-connection time w/my older dc, one-on-one when new baby was sleeping. Try and empathize as much as possible and look to dd's needs rather than punishing the behavior. She's trying to communicate and/or get your attention. Some children really get into a helper role (mine didn't...but I've met many who have <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/smile.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="smile">) which meets their needs to be a part of things....Hang in there....it does get easier <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug">
Prevent access. They should never, ever be alone together. If you go somewhere, one of them comes with you, even to the bathroom. A sling is a great idea. Or a playpen until the baby is mobile (not to keep him in but to protect him from HER).<br><br>
Spend as much one-on-one time with her as possible. Read books about new siblings with her (there's one by Mr. Rogers that I like a lot), talk about how it's OK to be mad, but not OK to hit. Practice deep breathing with her. If she happens to hit, remove her IMMEDIATELY and then give HIM all your attention for a few minutes.<br><br>
A 2 1/2 year old just isn't capable of controlling her impulses.
My two girls also are just 21 months apart. Trust me, it is true what they say that later on they will love one another and play lots with one another. So it is just a phase. What I am doing now with them is different, but when they were babies I also avoided leaving them together unsupervised, as pps said (sling, taking dd1 everywhere with me, etc). Recently, I also found this article, which I wish I had read at the time.<br><br><a href="http://www.naomialdort.com/articles.html" target="_blank">http://www.naomialdort.com/articles.html</a><br><br><div style="margin:20px;margin-top:5px;">
<div class="smallfont" style="margin-bottom:2px;">Quote:</div>
<table border="0" cellpadding="6" cellspacing="0" width="99%"><tr><td class="alt2" style="border:1px inset;">When he hurt his brother, I would stop him gently, give love, and say "You are a wonderful person. I see that you want to hurt your brother. It is normal to feel that way. I love you just the same when you are hurting him, but we cannot hurt him. When you grow up you'll be able to control yourself. For now I'll help you."</td>
mmmmhhhh... makes you think....<br><br>
One last thing is creating moments in which you leave them together purpusefully (I know, I am contradicting myself, but life is just not linear). Like when the baby is fed, and happy, and your eldest is in good spirits, you can put them both in your bed, or better on a mattress on the floor and just let them enjoy one another with as little intervention from you as possible. You can really turn this into a "love ritual". Show your eldest you trust leaving the baby alone with her, indeed, show her you trust her caring for the baby all by herself (you can still supervise from a distance, trying to busy yourself with other things at the same time).<br>
Hugs and enjoy your babymooning...
My two are about the same distance apart. I have never been so angry as when my son hits my daughter! What previous posters have said about limiting access has been helpful for me--and I also realized that much of my anger at hitting is anger at myself for letting it happen. Most of the hitting is a message to me, about needing attention or love or a snack, more than a comment about the baby. There are times I can tell he's rarin' to hit and I watch him very closely.<br><br>
Some successful interactions are important, too, so (as someone else said) don't restrict access totally. I had good luck in letting my son play with my daughter's toes, or peek at her while she nurses. He loves her toes, and we often exclaim about how "even her big toe is little!"<br><br>
I used the techniques in "Siblings without Rivalry:" after a hitting incident, I pay attention to the hittee before reminding my son that hitting is not OK. Kissing is OK. Saying, "Mama, I need a hug" is OK. Hitting is not OK.<br><br>
The baby is now 10 months old and it's getting better. They have crawling games that they play together and they love to make each other laugh. Hang in there!
thanks mamas. it has been getting better and dd has becomre more loving and hitting less. she doesn't have too much access to ds unless supervised and both are in good spirits. also, we have foumd that she is worse in the evening when she is tired so we havew started naps again. she has that gentle nurturing quality in her, when ds cries she runs over and tries to comfort him.
That's great--thanks for the update! I try and etch those helpful, nurturing times in my memory to help ease the times when things aren't so, uh, loving <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/smile.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="smile"> One of the most beautiful times is when they both nap at the same time, and you can just snuggle in and s l e e p !!!
My son was 2 when our youngest was born... I agree with limiting access to the best of your ability... but also, the thing that's helped us most, is enlisting our son as a helper. So.. "Sami... we need to change Ali's diaper... can you get me one?? Do you think Ali wants some baby powder?? Etc." We've also taught him to give Ali "Ali's toys"...so that he's not tempted to share his toys which tend to all be choking hazards. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/smile.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="smile"> He's really gotten into being a helper to the point that whenever Ali cries, he comes and gets me at top speed to let me know that Ali is crying. Now 9 months later, some aggression is returning now that Ali can move around and grab Sami's toys. Still for the most part, he's pretty protective of his little brother.<br><br>