[JuJuBees]

okay. i guess this is the right place to post this. i gave birth to an adorable baby boy last week. i now have three kids. my oldest daughter (maya) was only here with us breifly. she was born with a hole in her heart and passed away days after she was born. my second daughter (annabell) is 2, and my little man is 5 days old. anyway... i was talking on the phone to my sister who says

"how does if feel to be a mother of two kids"
i respond "well, i a mother of three kids, actually"
she says "huh? three kids?"
"yes, three kids"
"oh! maya. i forgot"
"yeah" wth do you say to this? then she responds..
"well, she doesn't really count. she was only here for such a short time"

WHAT? WHAT? she doesn't count?? you know what. F**k her! she counts just as much as my living children. why wouldn't she count? she is my child, she was born to me. she lived, she breathed. she was HERE. she counts!! people are so insensitive. i hate discussing the death of my daughter with anyone other than my husband. no one understands.

 

[chrissy]

of course she counts! i'm so sorry your sister was so insensitive. you are certainly the mama of 3.

 

[JuJuBees]

you know her forgetting bothers me just as much as her insensitive comment. how can she forget? how does she forget her neice that passed away? she was there with me. there at her funeral. how do you forget that? did it not hurt her?

 

[JBaxter]

Quote:

Originally Posted by JuJuBees okay. i guess this is the right place to post this. i gave birth to an adorable baby boy last week. i now have three kids. my oldest daughter (maya) was only here with us breifly. she was born with a hole in her heart and passed away days after she was born. my second daughter (annabell) is 2, and my little man is 5 days old. anyway... i was talking on the phone to my sister who says "how does if feel to be a mother of two kids" i respond "well, i a mother of three kids, actually" she says "huh? three kids?" "yes, three kids" "oh, maya. i forgot" "yeah" wth do you say to this? then she responds.. "well, she doesn't really count. she was only here for such a short time" WHAT? WHAT? she doesn't count?? you know what. F**k her! she counts just as much as my living children. why wouldn't she count? she is my child, she was born to me. she lived, she breathed. she was HERE. she counts!! people are so insensitive. i hate discussing the death of my daughter with anyone other than my husband. no one understands.

OH MY GOD>>>
I would be so mad. F**k her is what I would have said /thought. Your baby is your baby on earth or in heaven. How DARE she.
BIG HUGS to you mamma.

 

[Naughty Dingo]

Oh no, what a terrible thing to say

I am sorry that she lacks understanding like that

Sorry that you had to hear that too.

Take care Mama, all your children are meaningful and special, no matter how long they are with you or when.

ND

 

[umami_mommy]

the first time i spoke to my birthfather on the phone (i was 36), he says to me "i was so surprised when G. (my birthmom) said she wanted to get on a registery to find you. (this was right after he had a baby with another woman) frankly, i had had forgotten you had ever been born."

really now, how do you respond to something like that? i can only chalk it up to extreme self absorbtion. what kind of person forgets a baby born of your own flesh and blood, no less? your sister sounds like my birthfather.... i'm not sure i could ever forgive her if i were you. i certainly haven't figured out a way to get past what my birthfather said.

put it up there with "the 10 stupidest things anyone has ever said about losing a child, ever."

of course Maya is your child, if your husband dies you are suddenly a single-never-been-married woman? of course not. my mother (who has been a widow for 25 years) is still called "Mrs." someone needs to straighten your sister out, someone needs to tell her how saying silly, thoughtless, self centered things can wound someone else.

 

[gridley13]

You ARE the mother of three. In twenty more years, you will STILL be the mother of three (or more by then!!) If it helps you get over your anger at her, I would love to hear about little Maya, as short as her time on earth was...

 

[momz3]

Oh my.

I'm sorry for your little Maya and I'm sorry that your sister said such a thing. We've only lost Alexis 6 months ago...but when her birthday comes around (May 11th) I wonder how many family members will mention her birthday to me....also we are ttc and I know they will say I have only 3 kids when I still have 4, kwim? I agree with a pp who said she lacks understanding...most ppl who've not had a loss, especially a fullterm loss DO NOT understand. They do not understand how the things they can say can damage a person for life. They don't understand how we can still see our angels as our children when they are not physically here. I wish you and your family the best. Congratulations on your little boy.

Maya

 

[HaveWool~Will Felt]

I am soooo sorry mama.....I so know how this feels.
My dd died 6 hours after she was born...so many people have said comments like that to me! UGH!!!

 

[Mom4tot]

I'm sorry. That was very insensitive.

 

[philomom]

Write her out of your will.

Only a little kidding. That must have hurt!

 

[JuJuBees]

thanks everyone.

i called her back. i just couldn't get over her saying that. our conversation went kinda like this.

"hey, i wanted to talk to you about what you said about maya"
"oh"
"yeah, it really was hurtful when you said she didn't count. she is my child, i love her as much as i love my other children. to me she counts very much"
"oh, well i meant she didn't count because you don't have to take care of her"
"yes, but i have to think of her daily"
"hmm.. that's probably not healthy"
"whats not healthy??"
"you probably shouldn't think about a pregnancy that you lost daily"
"a pregnancy???? she was alive!! it was not a pregnancy that i lost. she was living, breathing, alive for almost THREE days!!!"
"well."

then my son woke up. i swear i was about to cuss her out. i know she said the pregnancy part just to be hateful. i am sure having a miscarriage is very hard, but i just can't imagine it is the same as having a child born to you, and losing it.

GRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!!!!!

why doesn't she get that?

 

[coralsmom]

this is so unbelievable!

it was bad enough that your sister said such an uncaring, inappropriate, and hurtful thing to you. i do not want to judge her, but... i will. she needs to get a clue.

what a strong woman you were to digest her aweful sentiment, and try to talk to her about it. i really am so impressed with that action.

she has got some problems! you went and reached out to her to try and explain why her comment would be hurtful (i still can't believe she would need an explanation of this...), and then she turned it around and just could not accept her own uncaring, mistaken, wrongful behavior by making it worse- what kind of person thinks that a baby is 'a pregnancy'. that is just so...detached from basic human emotions. she has got some issues! cruel.

i am so sorry to read about what you have been through, losing your precious daughter... and after some time, having to deal with THIS kind of crap from your own sister...

i hope she will think about these exchanges and have a reality check. i am so sorry.

 

[HoosierDiaperinMama]

You know, after awhile people can cross the line of being insensitive to just being plain nasty.

I think that's what your sister was doing. I'm so sorry you had to listen to that.

s People outside of the circle (i.e. fathers, grandparents, siblings) don't understand that they were real people. I know I've had people see a picture of Reagan and say, "She looks like a real baby!"

: Oh, and I guess a stillborn 37 weeker is supposed to look like an alien? I've never understood people's thought process on that one.

I'm sorry you were hurt.

s

 

[KittyKat]

Some people should have their vocal cords attached to a mute button. Every time they start to say something STUPID the sound just cuts out...

Sounds to me like this nutcase would be in "mute" mode every day until she got a CLUE.

That's just wrong. Sick, wrong, heartless... There just aren't words.

 

[crazycandigirl]

That is so not ok...

 

[JuJuBees]

so, i called her AGAIN. i don't like tourturing myself... i really don't. i just cant seem to grasp why she can't understand how hurtful her words are. so i told her that she does not and will not ever understand, and if she doesn't get that maya was not "just a pregnancy" than we will no longer talk about her. we agreed to that. she kept calling maya an "it".. saying "well if you no longer want to talk about it, then we don't have to" etc. she is clueless.

so, now i dont get to talk about my daughter with my sister. i know it's not ideal, but i can't handle her hateful words when it comes to this.

 

[HoosierDiaperinMama]

Quote:

Originally Posted by JuJuBees so, i called her AGAIN. i don't like tourturing myself... i really don't. i just cant seem to grasp why she can't understand how hurtful her words are. so i told her that she does not and will not ever understand, and if she doesn't get that maya was not "just a pregnancy" than we will no longer talk about her. we agreed to that. she kept calling maya an "it".. saying "well if you no longer want to talk about it, then we don't have to" etc. she is clueless. so, now i dont get to talk about my daughter with my sister. i know it's not ideal, but i can't handle her hateful words when it comes to this.

Just curious...does she have any children?

 

[umami_mommy]

just wondering why you need to speak to her at all.

life is too short to have people aorund me who can't be loving and compassionate to me all the time, rather than just when the fancy strikes them.

you sister seems to have some very real issues around death, children and acceptance. she just doesn't seem to be a person who is good for your heart... if i was in your shoes i would just walk away and not look back. maybe some day she'll catch on and then apologize.

(i did this with my brother BTW and he still hasn't figured it out, but i don't expect him to, so it's no loss to me)

 

[gretasmommy]

How horribly insensitive!

Can you simply wait for her to call you/get in touch, see how long that takes, and then tell her that you need for her to understand the Maya is very much your daughter, your first child, and that though her time with you was brief on this earth she will always be with you.

See how she responds to that.