Mothering Forum banner

1 - 8 of 8 Posts

·
Registered
Joined
·
4,627 Posts
Discussion Starter · #1 ·
Is anyone coping with this?<br><br>
My dp is, in my opinion, an alcoholic. We have had various discussions and showdowns about it, and several times he has stopped entirely, but then it starts up again.<br><br>
He is as good as he can be within that framework, he only drinks after dd has gone to sleep, and he is not mean or destructive in any way. But it hurts his health, and I think it contributes significantl;y to his tendency to be dark and gllomy and depressed. Plus, I am disgusted by him when he's drunk. Just totally turned off and annoyed.<br><br>
I come from an alcoholic family and I just can't freakin believe that my own created family is turning out the same way.<br><br>
When we met we were both heavy drinkers, but now I like to have a beer or two once or twice a week and have gotten drunk once in the past year, he drinks to get drunk every time.<br><br>
I want this to be different, and if there are other people grappling with such things I would love to talk about it. I am not totally opposed to 12 step stuff, but I am skeptical and irritated by many aspects of it, so that's a factor too.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
748 Posts
I was in a relathionship with an alcoholic partner and also had an alcoholic parent. The two seem to go hand in hand because we gravitate towards what is familiar to us. I went to alanon to learn how to deal with it and eventually ended up leaving that partner but it was before children. I know when you have children, it is a totally different decision. Alanon really gives you some concrete things (tools) you can use. I can't say enough good things about it and I felt the way you did beforehand.<br><br>
You may have to go to several groups to find one you like because each group has it's own regular members and it's own personality. It helps if you find a group with other women in similar situations you can relate to. I also recommend going to the self-help section of the bookstore and getting a few books on adult children of alcoholics and dealing with alcoholic partners (co-dependency.) I know what you are going through and it is so very difficult to deal with a depressed person who drinks on a daily basis. I was/am totally disgusted with drunk people to this day.<br><br>
I remember being surprised to find out a year later that my previous dp was an alcoholic. After counseling, I learned that it was very apparent from the beginning.<br><br>
My current partner also has an alcoholic parent but he very rarely drinks and if so it is only 1 beer. He is aware of his genetic potential to become an alcoholic and my intense feelings against alcohol in excess. I have to say, life is much better for me without an alcoholic in it.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
2,080 Posts
.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,844 Posts
YES, my dp is an alcholic. When we met, we were travelling & poor. I didn't see him drink alcohol for a good year into our relationships--then he got trashed beyond belief.<br><br>
We bought a restarant & we are still handling the financial consequences of his free reign around beer. He drank EVERY day, at least 2 beers, mostly more. He would lie to me about how many he drank before he drove. I almost hated to have friends b/c we would end up apologizing to them for him hitting their fence, etc.<br><br>
When my dd was 10 mo old, he decided he needed to drink & smoke with his friends rather than be a father. He left us, and that's when I finally got strong.<br><br>
I'd grown up with an absent alcholic father (who recently relapsed too) so I could NOT believe would NOT believe for a long time that I'd created the same exact situation that I grew up in. I bawled for days thinking my kids would end up hating him, hating me, when I knew that we COULD be so good together.<br><br>
When I met him sober & fell in love with that man...well it saw me through the awful times when he was drunk, screaming for his keys & calling me a c*nt. That was the night I told him I would not do it anymore, that he would not be part of my life ...he has not had a drink in over a year since that awful time.<br><br>
Just now, I'm beginning to trust him again...to believe that he won't turn into that person I did not even know. Our marriage & love is so much stronger even though we're going through a really rough time financially.<br><br>
So, mama, you cannot make it stop. I didn't make any of these decisions...I always told him my opinion, that he sucked as a person when he was drunk. I told him my standards, that I was NOT going to let my children grow up the same way I did. Is there any hope? Do you know the man he can be when he's not drinking? Does he? Can he try?
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
10,292 Posts
My dh is also an alcoholic. He has been sober for almost 15 months though really seems to be fighting it the last few days. When we met, I knew he was in recovery. I knew nothing about alcoholism and did not think I needed to as he was "better". <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/img/vbsmilies/smilies/eyesroll.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="roll"> After we had been married for about 4 years he began drinking again, though in secret. I did not find out until he was in an accident. He began going to AA right away and I thought everything would be fine.<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/img/vbsmilies/smilies/eyesroll.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="roll"> He started drinking on and off about 2 months later and never had more than 3 months sobriety. The more time passed, the longer his binges would be and shorter time between them. When our dd was born in 2003, he was drunk and was not present at the birth. I ended up taking 5 kids to live at my mom's house because I did not feel this was a healthy place to be with a newborn and 4 others under 9. He chose to stop drinking the next day. That was almost 15 months ago. It has been a really rough road to travel. I have spent many nights worrying about him, myself, the kids, and everything else.<br><br>
In November of 2001 I began attending Alanon meetings. I found it very helpful in letting go of the things I can not control (him) and worrying about the things I can, my reactions to him. With each binge of his, I feel I have handled it better. It is not easy but I hope I can continue to improve. I do not want to base my happiness on him but I do love him and want to stay with him.<br><br>
Gotta go get a fussy baby but feel free to PM me if you want to talk more. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug">
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
2,159 Posts
Steph, I am so happy to hear that DH is getting it together for you, for his kids... and for himself. It's been almost exactly two years since I got into it with him on a similar thread... frankly I didn't have much hope for him. Good for him for realizing all he had to lose and that he DID have choices, and in the meantime good for you for doing what you needed to to keep your kids safe <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug"><br><br>
FWIW, Mike and I are both the children of alcoholic fathers. His dad died a few years ago, he hadn't seen him in over 10 years (Mike's choice, his father's apathy) and had been divorced from his mom since he was a baby. My mom is still married to my dad... unfortunately... so we've seen both sides of what having an alcoholic father can mean. We are infrequent social drinkers (maybe 6-10x a year). We know we have a genetic tendency towards alcoholism, so we are very careful about it. We don't want our dc to suffer like we did.<br><br>
My father was a mean drunk. I squandered so many opportunities growing up because I was acting out so much (of course, that just made me a 'problem child' and he felt even more justified in his attitudes and behaviors). I dropped out of school, ran with the wrong crowd, and generally just tried to make my parents' lives as miserable as dad's drinking had made mine. I have spent the last 10 years of my life trying to unlearn his hatered, his contempt for everyone around him. He is not currently in our lives right now. He is a toxic person that I must keep my ds safe from. His only grandfather is not in his life, and its sad. But those are the choices he's made, so those are the choices I must make.<br><br>
You cannot underestimate the impact an alcoholic parent makes on your kids. That will become their reality. They will seek out similar relationships, they will think that they deserve to be treated the way that you are treated. This can do a lifetime of damage to them. It took a lot for me to be with Mike... he was a good guy and I used to pick fights with him all the time because that was the only way I knew how to relate to a man. My sister exclusively dates addicts (although recently she seems to be making better choices) and both of us have had some huge issues with self-esteem, body image, trust, anger, risk-taking, depression... sometimes I wonder who we might have become, had we not had to live our lives like this...<br><br>
Big hugs to you, Sadie and all mamas who have to deal with this... <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug"> Sorry I don't have any answers, and this was probably somewhat off topic, but I can't stress enough how much living with alcoholism damages children, and how important the choices you make are to their well being. You can't change him- he has to do that himself- but you can keep your dc safe till he's ready to do so. You <i>must</i> keep them safe... they're depending on you!
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
2,159 Posts
I wanted to add that my father is a good man... when he's not drinking. And in the last 20 years, I can count on my hands how many weeks he's been sober... <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/mecry.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="crying">
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
3,735 Posts
My father is the same way. It started after I moved out of the house (6 years ago), but still it was the same thing that you said- late, after kids are asleep or near bed time. My mom has been so upset over it and it just got worse and worse.<br><br>
We moved back to WA (by my parents) last year and moved back out to Mich a few months ago after we decided WA was not for us. My dad had a very hard time, very hard, I think he cried the whole month before we left. So a few weeks ago my mom took him to the doc and they said that the alcohol is a depressant, and if he keeps drinking even if he thinks it makes him feel better it makes to worse. So they put him on anti-depressants and my mom says he is back to his old ways, of being sweet and happy.<br><br>
Maybe you could get your DH in to see your family doc.
 
1 - 8 of 8 Posts
Top