[Attached Mamma]

Our ds has been definately been testing his limits lately, he loves to say "no" when we ask him to do something, even when we don't ask a yes or no question, like "you may put away your pajamas", he says "no". We recently had a baby (3 weeks old), so I'm sure that has something to do with his behavior. I have never wanted to bribe him or threaten him to stop doing a behavior, but have found myself doing just that the last couple of weeks, and would like to stop. An example, when his grandma came over today we were sitting on the couch and he kept kicking it, I asked him about 5 times to please stop and he would just look at me and laugh and keep doing it, my mom was looking at me like "do something" (she told me last week that we should start putting him in time-out), but I was totally at a loss, I don't like to yell, and I wasn't going to bribe him and say "if you don't stop, you can't do or get such & such". Then when she was leaving he went outside and was hitting the car, same scenario, I asked him to stop and he just laughed and kept doing it. Then when she left he asked me if he could have an earth ball (natural choc. balls we gave out on halloween), and I said "no, because you didn't behave while grandma was here, you wouldn't stop kicking the couch when I asked you or stop hitting the car". I hate that I even did it, but I am at a loss as to what to do otherwise. I know doing stuff like that doesn't even help with changing the behavior, because when his other grandma came over later he basically did similar things when i asked him to stop.

Please help!!

Thanks!

 

[mamaduck]

Let me think for a bit, but I just wanted to post and say that if this is the worst you have from your brand new big sibling, the he is handling major change/stress better than I would have predicted! My son turned into a terror (temporarily) when his baby brother came along.

I'll post again in a bit...

 

[Katiemare]

I need help, too. DS is 3 1/2 yo and he is taking me just to the edge on a daily basis.

sunday night at my parents' house he hit my niece in the face (apparently to get my attention) and he was WARNED (threatened?) and had a time out. Then a bit later he kicked his other cousin --while looking me in the eye-- and so I had to keep my word and leave without taking home the mylar balloon, pumpkin & candy that his grandparents had for him. He cried, sobbed, about the balloon & pumpkin to the point that he almost threw up.

So, now today I have been using the field trip his preschool is taking as a motivator (leverage?) for him to follow directions. I say that he won't get to go on the fieldtrip IF . . . (fill in the blank).
barring something totally crazy in the next hour he should be going on the trip tomorrow.

Time Outs just don't mean anything to him anymore and I am at a loss right now. It's hard enough for me not to yell at him. HELP!

 

[maya44]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Attached Mamma An example, when his grandma came over today we were sitting on the couch and he kept kicking it, I asked him about 5 times to please stop and he would just look at me and laugh and keep doing it, my mom was looking at me like "do something" (she told me last week that we should start putting him in time-out), but I was totally at a loss, I don't like to yell, and I wasn't going to bribe him and say "if you don't stop, you can't do or get such & such". Thanks!

What I would do would be to say "Stop kicking the couch, ds, its very annoying to the rest of us." And if he did not, I would pick him up and move him away.

Then I'd say "if you can't stop kicking the couch, you need to stay on this chair (or somewhere else that he won't be hurting/bothering anyone or thing).

I would not say it angrily but calmly. If he moved back I would calmly pick him up again and say "no kicking the couch" If he did it again, I'd just gently move him. No more discussion. I'd do it over and over if necessary. I would not comment or criticisize him for saying "no" or laughing.

 

[johub]

Threats and bribes are just a parents way to try to get their child to comply with little to no action or effort on their part. The alternative is to get up and intervene directly.
He wont put his pajamas away? Tell him, "Ok let's go, I'll race you to your room to put your pajamas away" or get up and take his hand and escort him gently while saying "you can hop to put your pajamas away or you can slither like a snake. WHich do you want to do? Let's go!" These types of creative ideas help but the important thing is that you get up and follow it through to the end.
He is kicking the sofa? After asking him to stop and he does not you can intervene and walk him away from thesofa and tell him "please dont kick the sofa, would you like to kick this ball instead" or "we sit on the sofa, we do not kick the sofa. Would you like to sit with us?" (or whatever) Or you can touch his foot with your hand telling him that the sofa is not for kicking. (sometimes, if you havent really gotten up, this doesnt quite do it.)

I will repeat something once to make sure I was actually heard. AFter that it is time for me to get up.

Joline

 

[HappyHSer]

Some proactive strategy:

If anyone is calling him "big" boy or "big" brother, you might want to stop. Calling a new sibling "big" often has counter productive results. Many kids feel pressure instead of proud. They hear "be big" when "little" looks so much better.

Another thing is to talk directly and head on about the baby. Talk about how the baby is warm, cuddly and funny and cute. And *also* talk about how the baby is noisy, stinky and takes a lot of time and doesn't know how to play. Make it completely safe for your child to have very mixed feelings about this creature you call a baby. Tell him it's okay for him to feel however he's feeling about it. Don't tell him *you* feel anything negative towards the baby because then he'll wonder how you feel about him but do validate his feelings, the "good" and the "bad".

Quote:

he kept kicking it, I asked him about 5 times to please stop and he would just look at me and laugh and keep doing it,

Stop talking and simply act.

http://joanneaz_2.tripod.com/positiv...nter/id21.html

 

[Attached Mamma]

Thanks everyone for the great ideas, I seemed to be more creative before the baby came along, I guess right now my dh and I are just exhausted because the baby is only 3 weeks old, and we haven't been getting much sleep, we both seem to be short on ideas lately. I definately agree with the point of having to get up and remove ds, but the times I am speaking of I have been nursing my other ds and so I was unable at the moment to get up. Also what do you do when you try to remove them and they start flailing in your arms so you have to put them down and they run back to whatever it was they were doing and continue?

 

[Attached Mamma]

Quote:

Let me think for a bit, but I just wanted to post and say that if this is the worst you have from your brand new big sibling, the he is handling major change/stress better than I would have predicted! My son turned into a terror (temporarily) when his baby brother came along. I'll post again in a bit...

He seems to be having other issues emotionally rather than behaviorally (is that a word?). He has been having constipation issues, which are emotionally related, also saying different parts of his body are hurting, and for the last 5 days he has wet his pants once a day (he has been potty trained since 2 1/2 & he is 3 1/2 now). I feel so bad for the little guy, and when he acts out, I know it is just to get attention, because I am spending so much time holding/nursing the new baby.

 

[johub]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Attached Mamma Thanks everyone for the great ideas, I seemed to be more creative before the baby came along, I guess right now my dh and I are just exhausted because the baby is only 3 weeks old, and we haven't been getting much sleep, we both seem to be short on ideas lately. I definately agree with the point of having to get up and remove ds, but the times I am speaking of I have been nursing my other ds and so I was unable at the moment to get up. Also what do you do when you try to remove them and they start flailing in your arms so you have to put them down and they run back to whatever it was they were doing and continue?

When I cannot follow through, I dont even bother to expect complaince. Unless ds is actually starting fires or doing something dangerous. I dont give him instructions that I am unable to get up and enforce immediately. This was particularly true when he was 16 months old and my twins were born. The only way for me to deal with his not listening was for me to stop expecting him to listen just because I said so. So if he was being messy or annoying or whatever, I let it go.

As for the refusing to be redirected. I put myself as a barrier between my child and the activity. Or I might remove the child from the room temporarily, I dont expect sitting still for x amount of time. And the place is usually the playroom wiht all the toys and the TV. But I put the gate up so he no longer has the freedom to do what he was doing before. However his freedom is not entirely limited, as in time out, because he has lots of toys etc. . . When my twins were very small we all spent a lot of time in the gated playroom so my ds was in a childproofed space and was unable to really do anything or get into anything he shouldnt when my hands were full.

p.s. Do you have a sling? So you can hold/nurse the baby WHILE reading him a story or doing puzzles or playing legos or something?

Good LUck
Joline

 

[cmb123]

In this situation (with the couch) I would have gone the distraction route, and tryed to just move him on to something else. What he wanted was attention, and he got it- but changing it to positive attention through redirection ("hey, DS, why don't you show grandma your new book?" ) could have changed the tone of the day a little.
If you know that he is troubled over the new baby, then his acting this way is your cue to give him some attention. When you see he is being intentionally annoying, instead of following the instinct to want to just try and make him stop look at it as his way of letting you know he needs your time. Try not to show annoyance, just change the subject and do something for him.
I know that is really hard when you are exhausted, and have hit the end of your rope, but the payoff in NOT then having to engage in a big power struggle (trying to make him move to another chair, or stop hitting the car etc..), or deal with annoying behavior is worth it.

 

[zipworth]

When my son does annoying repetitive behaviours, and refuses to be redirected, I will just remove myself from the room or situation unless he is doing something damaging to himself or our property. I find that sometimes i am reinforcing his behaviour by focusing on it too much, so when I get up and move away he no longer has an audience and he almost always stops.

A strategy I have you in a similar situation to the one you described with your niece:

My friend has a daughter that is younger and smaller than my son. Sometimes when we visit he will intentionally push her, smack her, etc. much to my embarassment. The first time he does this I say to him,

"No hurting. That hurts Sara when you hit her, look she is crying, she is sad. Be gentle."

If he does it again, I say,

"If you hurt Sara again, we will have to leave. You are not being safe with Sara."

Then I watch him like a hawk with frequent reminders to be gentle, and use his words when he is frustrated. I am right there to intervene if I can, but you know, sometimes things happen really fast

: . I follow through on leaving, but I try to empathize with my son about how he is feeling if he is sad about leaving. I try to avoid "punishment' but sometimes I think, Sara has a right to not be hit and bullied in her own home!

So far these strategies have worked for me really well. I think they keep my son's dignity and feelings in tact as well.

 

[zipworth]

Just wanted to add:

Your situation is going to be my situation in about a month

!!!

I hope I handle as well as you and your son seem to be

.

Natalie

 

[Attached Mamma]

Quote:

p.s. Do you have a sling? So you can hold/nurse the baby WHILE reading him a story or doing puzzles or playing legos or something? Good LUck Joline

Yes, I definately do this as much as I can, whenever I sit down to nurse ds usually will go get books, because he knows that's what we can do. Just this week I have mastered the sling, so hopefully that will help things go even smoother, last week I found myself not being able to do much because little ds just wanted to be held, so as we speak he is in the sling fast asleep, and older ds is doing a puzzle on the floor.

Thanks for the suggestions about going with ds to do things, I think my ds is very mature for his age, so I maybe take too much advantage that he can do things himself just by being told, and before the baby came he was so adamant about doing everything himself, even washing his hands, if I or dh would even start following him into the bathroom he would about have a tantrum "I can do it myself!" Now with the new baby I think he wants us to do more for him and that is fine, whatever makes things easier I'm all for it.

Thanks again!