Alternatives to Time out

We use what most people call time outs. But I am very aware of what I am teaching instead of just punishing/banishing them for behavior that I don't like. I do not use any set amount of time or clock to determine when they can rejoin the activity. They can come back whenever they feel ready to pet the dog nice, help Daddy feel better, or whatever phrase is appropriate there. A timer has no way of knowing when they feel able to reenter the situation that just overwhelmed them. They get to hear what needs to be done differently. I have two kids so sometimes it's difficult, but I try to offer to stay with them if they want me to. My goal is to remove them from the moment, give them a chance to pull themselves together, be comforted and heard, and hear what they can do differently next time. We usually use the stairs for our moments of removal because they are adjacent to the family room, pretty private, and not many distractions there.

I often end up sitting with them on the stairs for a few minutes, then walking away letting them choose when they feel ready to participate. Then, when they come over I greet them enthusiastically telling them I'm happy they are choosing to be happy or whatever fits.

I want them to know I want them to be included, I am happy they can sort things out. My goal is that when they are older and feel angry, frustrated, or overwhelmed that they walk away, cool off, think of what to do or say instead, and then come back.

I also am a little afraid to use their rooms as a place they have to go when you aren't happy with their behavior. It just seems that would set you up for them associating being left in their room as a bad thing and it would carry over and disrupt sleep comfort.

We've delt with hitting as well (few parent's haven't I'm sure. ). We don't use time-outs. When DS hits the cat, we make sure the cat is ok, put her in a safe place away from DS and then, explain to DS simply and shortly (too many words = DS tuning us out), "that he may treat the cat gently, or leave the cat alone. His choice." The next time the cat comes around, I keep a very close eye on him. I trust him as best I can to do the right thing and say nothing. If it looks as if he going to be rough, I intervene without letting him know what I'm assuming and say, "Oh, Sidney just loves a head scratch!" And we go forth TOGETHER in petting the cat. By preventing it before the onset, and then giving him a gentler option, I help him find a better way to behave with the cat and we connect, rather than disconnect through discipline.

If DS hits DH or I--when he's tired or really worked up, he can get punchy--we hopefully stop the arm gently, but firmly before the strike. We usually say something like, "I won't let you hurt me. I would LOVE a hug though." If DS is worked up (from playing hard or being in a tired frenzy), often times hitting is about connecting. He's so wired though that his signals get crossed and he needs hands on redirection. He knows it's wrong and that it doesn't feel good, and I don't feel I need to drive the point home about that-- e's been hit by a playmate or two. Later, when we're back in a good emotional space, I'll play or talk with DS about hitting, if we happen to come across it through play or conversation. I generally let him take the lead on this and grab my opportunities to help him through where Ic an. This has helped us work through much of those very normal aggressive behaviors.

If the hitting is in anger (as in the situation you described), I would again try and stop the hand before it strikes. I would then let her know that it's perfectly ok to FEEL angry, but it's not ok to hit. Validating emotions is important kids. Feeling so strongly can be unnerving and they need to know it's ok. OTOH, not all actions can be accepted such in the case of aggression. I imagine that at 2 1/2, she fairly verbal? I would add to my comments then, that she's welcome to TELL you in her words how she feels and that you will listen (not necessarily change your mind about the situation mind you, but that you will be understanding of how she feels). Kids need our help in finding different, more acceptable ways of dealing with strong feelings. I don't feel time-out is an effective way of doing this, but that's just my opinion of course.

Honestly, though I credit Dr. Sears with much of my AP knowledge with regard to babies, I pretty much parted ways with him on discipline issues. I found Playful Parenting and How To Talk... much more in step with my own instincts. And again, that's just me of course.

Best of luck!