[wemberly]

My dh works out of town, M-R night. While he's gone each week, he calls around 7 to talk to Elliott each night, and then he calls later in the evening so we can chat for 15 minutes or so. This usually keeps us pretty well connected and things are fine.

Periodically, there will be an evening social function to attend. Dh still calls Elliott, and then as always, says he will call after the dinner, outing, etc. More than once, he's neglected to call until the next morning, which I think is inexcusable. I don't think he's cheating on me, but I do think he's drinking more than he should, and he doesn't always make the greatest choices while alcoholically-compromised. Coming back to your hotel, too drunk to call your wife seems like a bad idea on many levels. Despite the culture of inebriation that pervades this Fortune 500 company, I don't think it's a good idea to be the rising young star (ok, not so young

) who drinks too much (albeit in good company). I also think that not calling shows a serious lack of respect for my needs/wishes. It's not like I want to have a 20 minute conversation about the inefficiency of the dishwasher--I just want to catch up with my best friend--live vicariously, you know? It's been a long time since I've been to a schmancy French restaurant, or any other grownup venture. I do think too, that he my curb his drinking a little, if he knows he needs to be coherent enough to chat after his evening of fun.

Dh feels that since he has disappointed me twice within the last two months (2 outings in a row) , that we should change the plan, and he shouldn't plan to call after the event, but I'm not comfortable with this idea. Maybe if he followed through more consistently, I'd feel less unhappy with this suggestion, but as things stand, I really want him to call at the end of the night. Am I asking too much?

Thanks,

 

[SamuraiEarthMama]

sounds like there are two issues here: his drinking, and his failure to follow through on a promise. does he disappoint you on other occasions, or is he usually pretty reliable?

if you seriously believe he's got a substance abuse problem, you might need to contact AlAnon for advice on how to move forward.

i don't think you are asking for too much, but then again there are always two sides to a story... i wonder what your dh would say in his defense.

i know you didn't ask about this, but i feel compelled to toss it out there: IMHO, it was a M-R work week that significantly damaged my first marriage. if you have anyway to change this, do it ASAP! i'm not kidding... you will grow in different directions and you can't reconcile this with daily phone calls.

katje

 

[wemberly]

Thanks katje,

For the most part dh is terrific--loving husband, amazing devoted father, the whole bit. I don't really think of his drinking as a problem, except when he's socializing in a work setting. Most evenings, he might have a drink with dinner, but when he's out, he really drinks more than he should. His choices while drinking are less than stellar, and it just seems to me that this is reason enough to follow through with calling at the end of the evening. While I trust his judgement, I'm not naive--I know that living away from home for months at a time leaves lots of room for errors in judgement, so I really try to circumvent what I perceive to be 'problem spots.' Socializing with your workmates while the wine flows freely definitely counts as a problem spot for me...

I appreciate the advice about the M-R workweek. It was never supposed to be this way, but the company restructured shortly after dh started with them (five years ago), and working from the home office is the exception rather than the rule. He'd like to stay forever (they dangle an awfully big carrot when they talk about partnerships) but I can't live this way. It is very hard to co-parent with someone who isn't home all week, and it's totally stalled our plan to adopt number 2. He promises to look for another position this summer, but I fear that anything else he finds will be more of the same. In the meantime, we drive down with him every few weeks, and stay the first part of the week (an added benefit of homeschooling) in DC, but it's still not as nice as having him home each evening. OY! I really didn't want to whine, but I really don't like to talk about this with our IRL friends and loved ones. Thanks katje.

 

[khrisday]

I can relate to the situation of being a single parent during thre week, as we are also in that situation right now. Honestly, if on the occasions that he is going out that he will not be able to call you later- I think that is reasonable. Take 5 minutes to talk when he calls to talk to your son if he has plans to go out. It doesn't sound like he's doing that very often- twice in two months, and everyone deserves to have a night out occasionally.

 

[DetroitMom]

I think you might just a little unreasonable. Do you know why he didn't call those two nights. Did he just fall asleep because he was too tired, did the boss have him in an unoffical meeting, did he get back late and thought you would be asleep, ect. If he called the next morning you must have asked about it (ok maybe not but I would). While I can understand your worries about the drinking, acting like you are his mother and need to know his every move may not be helping. Maybe it's time to find adult activities for you so you don't feel you have to live vicariously though your DH. I agree that maybe on nights that he thinks might run late you guys should talk when he calls the first time or make a date to call the next morning.

 

[VikingKvinna]

...and if he wants to change the plan, and not have to call after an event, it sounds like he's chafing a little bit under your "rules." Which means that your attempts to enforce them might backfire and be divisive, instead of achieving your aims. Whether or not he wants to not call you b/c he's out carousing, (while that is a separate issue that needs to be dealt w/) your insistence that he call sets up a dynamic that might just make him rebel against you, you dig? Just keep that in mind. Best wishes to you both...as much as I get annoyed with DP,

I can't imagine how hard it would be to be separated during the week.

~nick

 

[Nankay]

ok..maybe I've been married too long,but if DH called AFTER an event I would be PO'd because it's too damn late and I'm trying to get to sleep!

Not calling only twice in how many months??? Hmm..doesn't seem that horrendous.

 

[wemberly]

Thanks everyone--I appreciate the replies.

I guess it's just really hard to say, "I don't trust my husband when he's drinking socially" but I know that's what it boils down to. While Dh is very much attached and devoted, he's made some colossal mistakes while drinking--none of them involve infidelity, just a supreme risk of personal safety, and honestly I don't sleep knowing that I haven't heard from him. If dh indicated that something was important to him, I'd do my best to follow through, because it's something that matters to him. In this case, i don't know why I can't be awarded the same courtesy, you know? He thought it was reckless every time I stuck a fork in the toaster to retrieve errant toast, so I stopped, because he was sure I would be electrocuted (I thought he was being silly, but you know, I stopped because he asked me to) In this case, he's being reckless with himself, and I fear, our marriage, and it's important to me that he call. Shouldn't that be enough to motivate him, no matter how silly it might seem to him?

As for rules, they really aren't rules. Before he started working out of town, we sat down and talked about how to keep things together and intimate, and he was the one who suggested that we talk at the end of the day. As he advances in the company, there will be an ever longer list of social engagements in the evenings, and I just feel like this is the thin edge of the wedge--if he doesn't make the effort to call home now, while we're in the same time zone, what happens when he's in Madrid, or LA? I know it seems like it's just a few times, but these are just the last two occurrences, and it's always while incapacitated. This may be our life for a long time to come--there seems to be no end to out-of-town engagements and I don't want to drift into a sea of oblivion--I know we need to work to maintain what we have. I just don't know any other way to go about it

.

I hope this doesn't seem like I'm arguing against any of the advice I was given, I was just hoping to clarify the situation a little more, without describing in full detail, dh's reckless behavior.

Thanks for the advice--it is comforting to know that I can share this with someone...

 

[Irishmommy]

If he's staying in a hotel, can you go with him one week and hang out. Most hotels at least have a pool, and I'm sure you could find stuff to do while he's working.

As for calling after the event, I'm with Nankay - too late for me!

 

[A&A]

Quote:

Originally Posted by SamuraiEarthMama you will grow in different directions and you can't reconcile this with daily phone calls. katje

That's not true for everyone. My dh works on the road a lot and we have a cellular plan where we have unlimited minutes to each other's phone. So, we talk a lot and our marriage is really strong.

But my dh isn't having all that fun on the road--that would have me a little worried because it's kind of "the single life" where, drunk and with a hotel room, he could set himself up for an affair.

I don't think it works to "require" him to call you after the event, because that makes it seem like a chore he has to check off his job chart. He should WANT to talk to you--connect with you, see how you are, tell you about his day, etc. If he doesn't WANT to, then YOU wanting him to doesn't make up for it. If he only calls because you want him to, then that takes the point out of it. IMHO, You really need to sit down and discuss where your marriage is going (perhaps with a counselor.)

You can't make him stop drinking, and you can't make him call you. All you can control is your own boundaries--how far will you put up with his behavior.