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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
Help me sort this out.<br><br>
I'm 22 weeks pregnant, Due Oct 1. Our families all live within driving distance... but traveling is *really* hard on me. MIL lives 1 1/2 hours away. We've made a couple of quick trips out there since becoming pregnant. I always end up miserable, puking, uncomfortable, exhausted. I realize that if there are going to be any showers that I will have to travel, but I set a restriction, no traveling after Aug 1.<br><br>
Both DH & I have told her (nicely) that I don't want to travel and that after Aug 1 I *will not* be traveling. There's been no mention of having a shower since announcing the pregnancy BUT she's talked about having one in the past (before we were pg). So DH asked her today if she was planning on doing anything (so we would be able mark the calendar). She wants to do one "sometime in August"!!!<br><br>
I'm frustrated b/c both DH & I have told her "no traveling after Aug 1st". DH says I can't make any demands because they are doing this for us. I feel like yes, they are doing something nice for us, but they also need to be respectful of our needs. I don't care about anything else (guestlist, location, etc) but this. Kind of like "you don't throw someone a party at a time when they have specifically said is not a good time"<br><br>
Am I being petty? How can I get it across to MIL that it needs to be June/July? We told her today that August isn't a good idea and she totally ignored that part of the conversation (which is what she does when she doesn't like your answer).
 

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Technically, in-laws or other family are not even supposed to host showers. It is considered a significant breach of etiquette (it looks like you/they are soliciting gifts). With that said, I would not have had a single baby shower for DD if my in-laws hadn't made that breach, so even though I was embarrassed at the time, I am glad they did. Otherwise I would be sad about it for all eternity.<br><br>
But, I digress. Have DH (because it's his family & therefore his responsibilty, period, end of story) tell her that you need the shower before August. He should have had the balls to tell her when she first said it, because now it looks like it will be coming from you instead of both of you.<br><br>
I had to tell my in-laws the same thing about my last shower, and I would not hesitate to do it again.<br><br>
ETA if he MUST take an easy way out (not that it is necessary to justify why you don't want to travel when you don't want to travel), he can tell them it is per doctor's orders.
 

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How did I miss that you're in Houston, QuestionGal?! It's funny because an hour and a half drive here could just be to the other side of town! <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/lol.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="lol"> But, given that they must also live in part of this bustling metropolis, what about a shower closer to you? Even if it's not specifically in your neck of the woods, something that's, say, a 30min drive for you would be a lot better than an hour and a half, right?<br><br>
You (or DH) might talk to them about the whole shower thing - how nice it is of her to want to do this for you; how hard it is to think you'll be up to travelling any distance at that stage of pregnancy; and how lovely it might be if the shower could be either earlier or closer to you. Perhaps that gives her enough options to figure out which part is most important to her - time or place.<br><br>
I'm thinking about the drive from here (Sugar Land) to Conroe, which is about that distance, and eep... I don't care for that particular drive at all, but can definitely understand not wanting to do it while pregnant. (Though I've had friends do the same drive just to get a VBAC in the Woodlands!)<br><br>
Anyhow, keep us posted! <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/smile.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="smile">
 

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I agree you should enjoy your shower. You are NOT being a control freak!!! You need to take care of yourself. DH needs to stick yo for you!! Good luck. I never knew about the ettiquette throwing showers. OOps my mil is throwing mine too.
 

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my MIL threw my shower too, I'm sure I won't be having one this time...<br><br>
Anyway, I definitely make DH deal with his family, I deal with mine. Why can't your shower be somewhere closer to you? Like a nice restaurant.
 

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I would have replied sweetly, "Oh, sometime in August, that means it will be somewhere close to me, how nice of you to consider my aversion to travelling".<br>
Then I would have let DH "handle" her.
 

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i think you are not being controlling (well, not overly controlling, jsut controlling in a good way) ~ well-meaning family members often forget that just because a baby is joining the family, the entire clan doesn't get a say in what goes on :p
 

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Awww, NICE PLAN about the no-traveling after August 1. I love it, I'm going to steal it. We are just back from a 3h trip to visit dh's relatives, and I'm seriously DONE with going anywhere. EVER. EVER! (Except for when I'm flying x-country with my 3 kids by myself from July 30-Aug 12. But after that, NOTHING! I SWEAR!)<br><br>
I agree with the pp's, it's your call, if they plan to throw you a shower it must be before August 1. You can put it on your dh (he doesn't feel SAFE about you traveling so close to your edd) or your midwife or doc or whoever.
 

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Discussion Starter · #9 ·
Told DH that HE has to work this out with her, she's his mother. Told him he could say that MW says no traveling, that HE says no traveling...etc but bottom line NO TRAVELING!!!<br><br>
Thanks for reassuring me that I'm not just being hormonal =)
 

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<div style="font-style:italic;">Technically, in-laws or other family are not even supposed to host showers. It is considered a significant breach of etiquette (it looks like you/they are soliciting gifts). With that said, I would not have had a single baby shower for DD if my in-laws hadn't made that breach, so even though I was embarrassed at the time, I am glad they did. Otherwise I would be sad about it for all eternity.</div>
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I was relieved (and others might be, too) after hunting around online to find that an exception to this rule is if the shower is for family ONLY. Then it's acceptable. And mine was. Makes sense, and now I feel silly for being embarrassed about it last time.
 

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Glad you feel better about this.<br><br>
When I read your post, what struck me was the fact that you actually get sick to the point of throwing up when driving such long distances. And that's it - decision made. Noone should have to compromise on unnecessary throwing up and getting sick IMO. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/smile.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="smile"><br><br>
Luckily I don't have that problem and a number of friends are likely plotting something in terms of shower.
 

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I guess I just don't see that short distance as traveling....I drive almost much every morning and after noon to get to work, and an extra 2 times on Mondays.<br><br>
Then again, I'm no longer getting sick. When I was, I had to snack on the trips....particularly the one on Monday nights.<br><br>
Is there any way to convince your MIL to have the shower where you are? People host showers at the guest of honor's home all the time.
 

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Discussion Starter · #13 ·
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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>amberbella</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/8244876"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">I guess I just don't see that short distance as traveling....I drive almost much every morning and after noon to get to work, and an extra 2 times on Mondays.<br><br>
Then again, I'm no longer getting sick. When I was, I had to snack on the trips....particularly the one on Monday nights.<br><br>
Is there any way to convince your MIL to have the shower where you are? People host showers at the guest of honor's home all the time.</div>
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I don't think you are being petty -- when it comes to baby showers, I think the mom's comfort and well being absolutely must come into play. I'd never dream of hosting a shower for someone when it was not a good time for her, either because she was unable to travel while pg, or because she was still getting used to the newborn.<br><br>
We do tend to do things after the baby comes in my family, what about waiting? Mine was held two weeks after DS was born, at the time it seemed like it would be OK but I now will wait longer if I'm ever planning someone else's shower, because I was still having trouble nursing at that point and was exhausted, it was still not the best time for a shower. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/smile.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="smile"><br><br>
I did once have to have a shower at the new mom's house though, not by choice but I was having it at my parents and my dad got sick -- so we couldn't very well bring the newborn into the house! I felt bad, but really didn't have any choice, I'm sure people understood she wasn't throwing it for herself.
 

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Discussion Starter · #15 ·
i like the idea of waiting, but if I'm uncomfortable traveling BEFORE baby comes I can't imagine I'll be up to it anytime soon after the baby comes. With this being #1 I don't want to commit to something so soon after having a baby.<br><br>
We were planning on having a "visit the baby" party (NOT shower) when G is about 8 weeks old so that all the aunts, uncles, etc can see the baby. Our families are so large (40+ just counting parents, brothers, sisters, nieces, nephews) that I don't want the mass influx of "company" after the birth.
 

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I love all of the ettiquette comments in these posts. I keep thinking I will buy one of those books just because I find it so facinating.<br><br>
What I really wanted to say is: (please note that we are not close to family on either side for various reasons so this is probably skewed) It seems like the shower thing is sort-of for them not you <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/img/vbsmilies/smilies/duck.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="Duck">: Kind-of like some wedding arguments with family members. If they want to celebrate you and your DP and the baby, why don't they come to you? With that said, I would probably feel obligated to go.<br><br>
I also want to add that (and this can be added to my comments in the shower for 2nd + pregnancies thread) that even the planning of my blessing was a lot of work and stress for me. The person who facilitated it wanted to make sure that everyone I wanted to be there was invited and that it was all something that I would be comfortable with...which I totally appreciate, but I ended up having to do a lot for it and it was tiring (get addresses and lists together, pick the wording for certain parts, pick out pages for a book that we had made, okay the location, etc. etc.) But I digress again!
 
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