[bits and bobs]

DS is 7 and if he doesn't get what he wants or if he is upset about something he breaks down crying, and keeps on crying and can start yelling also while crying. Lots of crying! The crying really bugs me for some reason because it seems such an over-reaction to the situation.

For example today...he wanted to share a small item [eraser] that was his sister's. She said no he couldn't share it as it was hers, and bingo he broke down sobbing. The tears are just pouring down his face. I talked to him about how it didn't belong to him, that perhaps he could use his pocket money to buy one but no he only wanted to share it. His sister said he could have it for the day, still not good enough, then she said he could have it for 2days, then 10 days. No still not enough he said it had to be sharing or nothing. Still crying and crying.

So I say to him he needs to stop crying because I can't resolve anything when he cries. I don't mind if he is upset or sad or angry but he must express it in words, not just cry as the only mechanism to get what he wants. I am being too mean by saying he needs to stop crying. I want him to be able to express his feelings but he cries about everything that doesn't go his way, and it's wearing me out.

Help!

 

[AFWife]

All I can tell you is that I learned to cry on command to get what I wanted as a child...

It worked until my mother caught me practicing in the mirror...

 

[philomom]

I think I'd walk away from him. He obviously likes an an audience. Tell him when he is calm again... you will hear him out.

 

[Surfacing]

We have a similar situation here. Interestingly, dd1 often cries and carries on with us where she NEVER does that with my parents, for example. She does it sometimes because she can get away with being accommodated or get her way through crying with us.

Like you I've struggled with the question of being accepting her feelings vs. discouraging them, trusting her feelings vs. wondering if she's trying to be manipulative.

You know, as far as I'm concerned, some of it is about resilience, being able to overcome disappointment. Sometimes we talk about it initially and then I give her the space to have her feelings, not try to talk her out of it, and just walk away.

I hope some others have some good insight here.

 

[chfriend]

What happens when you try comforting him instead of problem solving?

 

[Purple Cat]

My 3 year-old daughter sounds a lot like your son. I try to focus on her need to "calm herself" as opposed to "stop crying." I also try to focus on communicating that I cannot understand her when she is screaming, crying, etc., and that I need to help her calm herself so we can resolve the situation. The ability to think, process, problem-solve, listen, communicate is virtually non-existent when anyone is extremely upset. HTH

 

[birthdancedoula]

My 7 y/o has been acting in a similar manner recently. In our house we talk a lot about respect...especially respect of the other people around us who don't appreciate being screamed at. I tell ds that he can choose to stop crying/screaming and stay around his family/friends or he can take some time by himself to calm down and re-group. He usually chooses to stop crying and work out whatever issue he had initially.

I think its important to find a balance between being accepting of feelings and expecting appropriate communication. I agree, it can be very draining.

 

[hipumpkins]

Quote:

Originally Posted by chfriend What happens when you try comforting him instead of problem solving?

I agree with this. It doesn't sound an eraser issue but rather..a rejection issue. It hurts to hear your sister say no.
I would just talk through the emotions but not resolve the issue for him. Teach him some problem solving skills and some coping words (on a good day) and help him use his skills.

 

[bits and bobs]

Thanks.

I like the change of focus from the crying to asking him to calm down. That takes the emphasis off the tears, and puts it onto being able to talk.

He cried again this morning because he didn't like the shirt I'd put out for his Xmas concert.

I don;t know if it's rejection he can't deal with or if it's that he can't cope with not getting things the way he wants-whether it be the eraser, shirt, bed time etc.

We talk a lot about using words to fix problems and using words to express how you feel but I guess it's not translating.

CHfriend-he isn't a very touchy kid, so comforting him when he's upset does not go down well. He oftens asks for a few minutes alone if I go to give him a hug.

Hipumpkins-are you able to elaborate on this "Teach him some problem solving skills and some coping words (on a good day) and help him use his skills. "

Thanks everybody!

 

[hipumpkins]

I used this book
that book made problem solving into a game that was easy to play at anytime anywhere.
I also got it much cheaper on half.com

Anyway the idea is to teach kids to think first and the games teach them how to do that. Then you can have trigger words that remind him to use his skills until he is old enough to do it himself.

The games are like this..you play them but don't make them all about conflict at first so one of the games is, "If..Then"

If you jump in the pool then [you get wet]
Play as many as your kid wants...the games build on each other until you are solving real life problems with multiple steps.

Good luck!

 

[OakBerry]

My ds is 6.5 and we are getting alot of the overdramatic crying and yelling too. It can be very tiresome!

I comfort him (which he often pushes me away) and then I empathize. Next step is to try to problem solve. If he continues the drama at this point I busy myself with an other task and sort of ignore him. He usually snaps out of it on his own. Sometimes me empathizing/hugging makes it worse, so I just go right to the keeping busy/ignoring response.

I have sensory issues and I can only take so much screaming and crying.
I don't tolerate it well and tend to shut down after a few minutes. I think because he doesn't get much of a reaction, he's never been much of a tantrumer. Of course until now, lol.

 

[CarrieMF]

The pp's have some good suggestions. If they don't work then just ignore him or if you can have him go in his room until he gets it out.

I would talk to his sister too, just becuase he's tantruming does not mean she has to give in & offer what he wanted, or even more than what he originally wanted. She needs to know that it's okay for her to say no & stick to it.

 

[chfriend]

Quote:

Originally Posted by bits and bobs CHfriend-he isn't a very touchy kid, so comforting him when he's upset does not go down well. He oftens asks for a few minutes alone if I go to give him a hug.

I have a kid with sensory issues so I've had to get very creative about comforting her when she is distressed. Touching her then isn't a comfort.

It sounds like you maybe aren't sure exactly *how* to comfort him when he is distressed. That can be a real puzzler with some kids.

 

[velcromom]

If he can hear you, (mine often can't,lol) I'd say, "You are very dissapointed about __, I'll be happy to help you when you calm down. Let me know when you are ready" and go about your business. My six year old has drama fits too, I am sure based on a real feeling but somehow blown way out of proportion. So I just have to make sure he hears that I notice the feeling behind the tantrum, and don't give undue attention to the negative behavior. I try to talk to him about the issue later when he's calm.

It is distressing to have a kid that won't be comforted. My ds hates being approached when he's upset, it makes things worse.

It's hard not to take that personally, and to try to save the comforting for when he can accept it.

 

[Shanana]

My dd is much younger (almost 3.5) so I don't know if this is age-appropriate, but I read something recently that has been a little help - role-playing and story-telling. I've only used it a little, but it might be worth a try. Here is the article:
http://www.mothering.com/articles/gr...leplaying.html

 

[Jojo F.]

Sometimes DS has a breakdown and sobs and sobs and sobs. I tell him he can be upset all he wants but, he needs to do it in his room. (DH is still in school and is always trying to get homework done so sobbiing for 30 minutes in the living room is not ideal).

I try to console him but, often times he wants nothing to do with me, he just wants to be upset. I agree with the PP- "It is distressing to have a kid that won't be comforted. My ds hates being approached when he's upset, it makes things worse. (I have learned this the hard and now know to jsutlet him be, let him get it all out) It's hard not to take that personally, and to try to save the comforting for when he can accept it." Fine, go in your room and cry, throw your pillow, punch your pillow, stomp your feet, scream in your pillow, just do it in your room.

 

[bits and bobs]

Thank you so much everyone-hey no one said I was mean!!!

I'm kind of glad it's not just me and my kid dealing with this too!

 

[mamazee]

I would deal with the crying - like hold him for a while and snuggle with him - but I wouldn't let this "work" for him. So snuggles since he's sad, but no eraser (or whatever it is next time), would be my plan.